Sunday [1-25]

Looking back at it it may have been some sort of misunderstanding. Maybe that was shadow aspect in the buffer room thing. Is it some other plane or something inside me as a multidimensional being? I still wonder what that all white crystaline place was. I only got maybe a half second to see it yesterday then I was pulled close to the non anthro dolphin or whatever it was, my face about an inch or 2 from his chest. but I described the brief encounter above, no idea where that was or who he was.

I guess Shad's come back from whever he was. Maybe I can't feel him to well currently maybe since we've started integrating past a certain point, or maybe where my sensing ability isn't very good or my awareness of the aspects of me isn't very good yet or just my overall awareness isn't very good.

His refractory period must not exist or be like that of a dolphin. I do wonder if sex between us isn't just pleasurable for him but goes down more spiritually. Yesterday evening I felt a bit tired, lay down and he wanted to ... and afterwards I did feel much better. Not sure if it was my laying down for 15 or so minutes was it or something else. This morning after getting out of bed and his ... 4 times maybe I did feel in a better mood then I am usually in the morning, not that I'm in a bad mood in the morning. My moods are usually somewhat neutral to maybe slightly up since I don't think i'm fully awake when I wake up in the morning.

Don't want to be to crass, or pornish but I do use this to record both my feelings, thoughts and mysticial/spiritual experiences. Not all my though just the spiritual/mystic related stuff. If I really like say a certain mlp music video I often won't mention that here for example, or the 6 monty python episodes i watched last night or the 4 Addams family I watched Thursday and friday night. Forgot how funny those 2 series were. Glad I got them on dvd.

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Had an interesting experience on the bus on the way home. I was trying to go between my thoughts and remain that way, sorta a very light meditative type thing. When I sorta felt a very gentle almost unnoticed pull and I was in 2 places. I was sorta maybe 40-30% in my body and 60-70% back in the bright white crystalline place. Like before I didn't get a very good look since this time the part of me that was there had had a dolphin's face and sometimes more of his body, taking up most of my field of vision. I felt some sort of, connection, kinship. It was like on the tip of my tongue. I couldn't quite remember or think of what it was. Some of what he said to me is a bit confusing since its' like at times he sent 2 or more concepts at once so i got them piled on top of each other in a bit of a confusion.

Dolphin (besides the feeling or almost knowing above I felt he was glad/happy to see me: "Welcome (here I got to concepts at once so It was like I got both Welcome home and welcome back at the same time).

Me: "uh, what is this place?" I said, I tried looking around a bit but most of it was obscured by the dolphin.

Dolphin: (here i got several concepts at once. I think separating them I got
temple of masters, assemblage of masters, crystal ? of assemblage.

Also without my conscious knowledge I had reached my right hand down to grasp his maleness without realizing it at some point. It was as as if part of me knew he would enjoy this, it was ok or proper to do this, not sure why part of me just did that. He did shiver or shake a bit in pleasure, no idea how long this went on for, felt like maybe a minute or a few. Time seemed compressed so when the experience was over the me there maybe went through 5 or 10 minutes (or maybe longer) but the me in this body went through a minute or 2 I think.

Dolphin: "an excellent way of saying thanks." at this point I realized what I had been doing consciously and jerked my hand back.

I can still feel the kinship? recognizion, some soul connection? I can't tell what, like I said it's like the tip of my tongue. I ask the dolphin: "Are you like a guide or my oversoul or something?"

Dolphin (giggles) : "you'll find out very soon," at this point he put either his flippers or hands on my shoulders or upper arms, "and boy won't you be surprised."

me: "you're not my future self." I said feeling he wasn't that.

Dolphin: "no, that would be to much like talking to yourself." I thought I could sense another me or future me somewhere nearby.

Dolphin: "but you can feel your future self came here..."

me (I interrupt the dolphin since I knew the rest of the line he was going to say somehow): "I came here since I experienced things already from this viewpoint I wanted to see things from the outside." No idea how I knew that I just did. I could feel the future me was sorta nearby but could not pinpoint exactly where.

Dolphin: "anyway, you'll still interact with your soul some in the near future. Your shadow aspect you'll have to handle yourself but you are doing excellent in that regard. You're ready to begin the next phase."

The experience ended here with me still in the body. Later, no idea why I just sent him, the dolphin a mental question, normally I'd be to bashful or shy to do it. I asked him if we could share in the future, using the term my immediate soul family use for intermingling energy, what some earth humans call soul sex or spiritual sex, but we don't like the term. The dolphin sent back, <sure we can.> I was a bit bashful and embarrassed that I just asked him like that. I sent back, "you mean you don't mind us sometimes...." He answered back <of course not.> and I felt an impression of a grin and or he was looking forward to sharing with me in the future. A bit embarrassed about typing this down but though i should since this is where I put the mystical/spiritual experiences, and some of my thoughts & feelings. Maybe as a thing for me to reread, maybe help others maybe, also maybe work through certain issues myself this way.

I'm not sure what to make of any of this. Also what sort of being could pull part of someone out of their body just like that so they'd start experiencing multidimensional being in 2 places at once. I guess that was some other plane somewhere.

almost forgot to put in. Though i can't remember his color, his eyes were not at the sides of the head like an earth dolphin but more forward facing, but not as close together as a human's eyes I think.

Also forgot to add. Afterwards I felt ? lighter, or some inner part of me felt lighter? Hard to describe.
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Tried going to the buffer space after I lay down to rest. Found Shad was already there ahead of me. Also he looked like an anthro dolphin, like in some furry pictures I've seen. Not sure if he got there ahead of me on his own or soul aspect summoned him there. He did seem very happy with his appearance. It was very, attractive, to put it in a g rated term. So that was the surprise. Last night I did try once to see if I could get a mental image of him, but he said for me to stop, it was a surprise.

Seems like there is a huge theme of dolphins to me for some reason. Not that I mind, just surprised and wonder what is obvious to everyone but me, is going on.

Saturday [1-24]

Not much to say now.  I'm not sure if Sam is elsewhere this morning.  Not sure if one's shadow aspect spends time away from the person for certain reasons, like having to hunt for food, get food through other means.  If they have friends or others they visit, do other stuff.  If they get in moods like anyone does and like to be alone or do other stuff elsewhere.  Or if he's getting a bit less dense so harder for me to feel.  Since i guess my feeling ability may not be very sensitive. 
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Wonder if I should continue as is or maybe try adding in either lucid dreaming or astral projection to see if that may help with integrating Sam faster, better, same speed but adds to a new avenue of fun. I think I'll also use some hypnosis for relaxation on my mp3 player and see if I can turn it off so I can take myself out when I want.
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asked soul about the color change he's been going through over the decades.  I got it in the usual pop all at once.  That was an hour or so ago.  not sure how much of it I can remember.

it was multi purpose.  Part of it was to show the future me my degree of awareness . And it also allowed soul to somewhat experience briefly (I guess at a soul's point of view) of being the younger soul ages, though not fully possible since some old soul stuff would still leak through.

Soul ages is a pretty complicated thing that I'll not go into here.  Maybe in another entry.

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I think for the next week or so I may try a few new things to see what works and what doesn't.  Some stuff like astral projection to see if I can interact with Sam more, maybe help speed the integration, or if it'll be more fun.  the hypnosis for relaxation to see if that helps me to be more aware of being in the buffer space, and or if it helps with my meditating.    See if i can get to do some lucid dreaming to see if that'll help with integrating with Sam and soul, though likely not both at once.  though if possible why not.   THink I may try a past life regression to see if I can get any off world stuff.  if not that is ok.

astral, hypnosis, lucid.    just notes here for myself.
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Tried the astral projection, nothing. Maybe I'm not evolved enough yet as an individual or a soul yet to astral project.

No word from my shadow aspect all day so far. Nothing since last night. Guess maybe either he wants time alone, I got him mad, or he decided he doesn't want to integrate. Maybe he didn't like my thinking of my calling him by my name in rl and Sam on here. Maybe I should have kept with Shad.

No word, I did apologized and nothing I can do. I may try to see if soul is up for any work, or just focus on trying to get better at relaxing with the hypnosis for relaxation. Nothing else I can do but that, continuing to try to remain between my thoughts and do meditations on that and going to that buffer space.

Who knows, maybe this is as far as I can go for this lifetime. Time will tell. As it always does.

Just wish future me would give some tips now and then.

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figured out part of why I've been feeling kinda odd.  I've had no mystic type experience in over 12 hours.  First time in many years.  Except Thursday afternoons when I'm with the rpg group.   i wonder what is up.   maybe I've come as far as I can in this lifetime and the rest has to be finished by the next incarnation. 

Still no message, reply, nothing from the shadow aspect of me.  Soul aspect isn't responding when I send him messages.  eh, maybe this as far as I can go in this incarnation.  and its' the next one that'll pick up from this point and finish.
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some is really messed up with me, no idea what. Tried that 20 minute hypnosis audio for ultra deep hypnosis. yesterday i went very deep. Today not past a light hypnotic trance.

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Ick, think I'll give up on mediating for the rest of the day. I tried to go to the all white space. I saw what looked like an anthro dolphin already there, a dark colored one. I asked soul aspect if it was here for some work we needed to do but I got what sounded like harsh mental voice that said [No!] and more unnerving was the friendly expression of the anthro dolphin.

Oddly I tried to conjure some food stuff but it looked disgusting and rotten, ick. I'll not try that again nor go there again. I tried to do one of 2 regular old fashioned mediation technique I made up as a teen. Just relax and let whatever thought wants to pop up pop up, but don't push it aside. I had the mental image of a very friendly playful with it's mouth open dolphin (except it's/?his? eyes were forward facing) kept appearing. Even when I tried to go between my thoughts. Luckily I have a technique that instantly gets me out of that light meditative state, or even if it is medium or deep, which I never can control how deep of a meditative trance I go to. Light, medium or deep, it just happens and i have no say. Luckily i can snap myself out by just jerking a body part and poof I'm out.

Wow I must have degraded or devolved or something. no wonder I got that harsh No from soul aspect and shadow aspect is who knows where. I'll try playing dr who legacy. i notice i can go between my thoughts playing that and not even notice. as if i could ever fully awaken. I actually thought that i could, this is big proof I can't.
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tried the past life audio to see what would happen. No idea where I was. it was no past life. I was sorta in 3 places, my body in the all white buffer space, and at the same time some place that was water/not water, all white crystalline type. Or maybe it was I was in the all white buffer space then maybe I felt a force grasp me and pull me to a place that was water/not water, like slightly thicker air kinda, and i had the impression of white crystalline type structures or a room i was in. not sure since this all was a brief glimpse.

Though most of my view was take up by a, I think, was a non anthro dolphin of some sort. I don't recall the color i was still grasp in some sort of force, pk maybe and pulled close as it said "welcome". Feeling down with one hand, and I'll be vague to keep it pg was his male ...I did feel it and to my hand it felt firm and slick, he seemed to enjoy the slight rub, then I remembered the harsh "no!' from earlier and jerked the body of this shoulder to pop back out of the trance I was in. I had the same sorta headache that I have if my eyes get to much light, slight though it is. pain on each side of my head, kinda near my temples but inside my head somewhere. for a minute or so felt like the pads of the fingers and thumb had the slightest resonance.

Think I'll lay off anything mystical for a while, no idea what the [censored] is going on nor why i guess soul & shadow aspect may be angry at me or at least shadow doesn't want to talk to me or be near me an soul is angry for some reason. I'm totally confused. yay for being confused, as Matt would likely say if I told him and was famous enough to talk to him. Hope it's not to nasty to have put here, i did try to keep it as pg as possible, sorry, though it's likely only me reading this. think I'll go take an asprin or iboprofen or whatever I have.
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Still no idea what the [censored] is going on. Wish I knew or that someone could tell me so I'd know. I'm not sure how to feel. Except I should stay away from anything mystical since I've no idea what the [censored] is going on. maybe if I stop whoever is mad at me will stop being mad and can cool down. I'm sure someone will tell me in a very obvious way it's ok to continue, unless I was meant to stop and let the next incarnation pick up from this spot. wish i had been told that. though considering my age how much time do I really have anyway.

That is to bad really since I do want to continue and would like to merge back into 1 being, or merge as much back into 1 being as I can in the time I have left.

Guess that includes no matt videos for tonight. Just wish I knew what the .... is going on and when and if I'll be ok to continue but I'll have no way to knowing till after this incarnation is over then it'll be to late.

This whole system sucks. your memory of who and what you are is blocked, you're expected to awaken and merge while stumbling around blindly with no idea what to do and at the same time you have aspects of you that fight and hate you. this is a pretty [censored] up system. I know this me would not come into such a system. no [censored] way. The humans want this system, let them live with the ramifications for the rest of the life of their species. They were cautioned about the unsavory, disadvantages. I don't see any advantages in such a system. Humans must be one of the most stupid species around. I'd go on but it would end up being whole pages.

with such an idiotic [censored] system in place I don't believe any one trapped in a human body can awaken more then partially, certainly under such a system getting to ascended master is NOT possible. what a [censored] [censored] [censored] system. the souls who came to inhabit here were given the drawbacks of such a system. i say let them stew in their own decision. if they wish there are other worlds they can move ot once their incarnation is over, or if they have none at present they can move right away.

it may seem like I'm angry or really pissed off but I'm not.  I'm feeling, calm, also confused as to what happened earlier and scared about what happened also. 
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Think I'm past the anger.  Still think it's a pretty stupid system the humans have here. 

also still no idea what was going on this afternoon.  Still confuses me.  If someone can get information to me wither by asking their guides or soul since I'm confused.    I don't know how i should feel.   Since i don't know what was happening in those scenes, maybe different things.
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Not sure why but I got the name Shad or Chad, not sure.  I think Shad since I then got Shadington.  Looked it up and found a thing that lets you search for a name and got Shaddington.  Very interesting.  Not sure of the full meaning of it.  I'll put the link here for mainly my own reference.  I've not fully read it, just read some, scanning, and it does seem interesting.  Wonder if that is ? shadow aspects name? 

http://www.sevenreflections.com/name-numerology/shaddington/
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Still wonder what was going on earlier?  misunderstanding on my part at some point about something? I've no idea, maybe some else can see plainly .   It does happen at times, others can see what is plain to them but one can't.  Well maybe someone will respond on this or pm about what was going this afternoon.  In the meantime, back to Monty Python.  Glad I got myself that Christmas gift a few years back.
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Not sure why, maybe cause part of my mind is focused on the game, but i've noticed over the past week for some reason that while I'm playing the android game Doctor Who: Legacy that either I don't think, remaining between thoughts or when I do think it tends to be in what I guess is the concept, I don't think words when i do think it's more like 'poof' thought is done.  instead of making it into words.  I do try to do this when I think of it but keep forgetting to go between and even harder to think when I do in those poof concept things.

also not sure how going between my thoughts is supposed to help.  I've been doing that off and on since I made up that sorta mediation as a teen and I'm not very advanced of an individual or incarnation.
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I thought about it and though others may find it strange I do think it is healthy to find one's aspects sexually attractive and like the idea of sex with them.  Why not.  Ignoring the human culture thing, and humans are very strange creatures.  It does seem quite normal, and un healthy if one did not.  At least the aspects one gets along with.  I assume I assume the various aspects of me get along fairly well. 
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I also wonder who was that male dolphin and where was that white place with white crystalline structures though I didn't get a good look.  and why was I yanked there from that white buffer room?
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Friday [1-23]

Think shadow said a message to my subconscious in a dream, but I already typed that up. My shadow aspect has been talking to me a bit this morning, mostly before I got out of bed. Using more crass language. I guess normal since that is either how most talk where it spends most of it's time, ? lower astral realms/planes? or that maybe just how it normally talks. Not to unlike how some humans talk much more crass then others, even when talking to friends casually.

I can honestly say I enjoy the encounters with my shadow aspect. I may to save time start calling him Shad. not as an insult but so i don't have to keep typing out shadow aspect. and soul aspect i may just call soul. I can honestly say i do enjoy being with shad. I would assume this is a good thing that one does get along with and likes being with another aspect of oneself.
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Forgot to mention last night that when I lay down to go to sleep it felt like Shad came and lay on top of me, like he put his arms on my side.  No idea if where he is they need to sleep or not.  Or maybe he was just resting and enjoying our being physically close.

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I had a laugh at something Shad said about a picture I looked at on fa.  Wasn't expecting him to comment.  Guess he can see what I see or can see this world from where he is.  ?lower astral?

I guess he's male either cause I'm male or because earth has male dominated societies?  both, other reasons. 

Tried asking Shad what what organization soul is a member of but he just said, 'go ask him."  Since soul won't say for a mischievous reason, I do wonder how I can find out.
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Had an interesting experience, not sure exactly everything that happened.  I was trying a youtube video I had downloaded that was for ultra deep hypnosis.  A short 20 minute one.   Part way through through the human female in the audio has you try to left first one leg then the other then one hand then the other.  It felt like I could left my hands and arms so to speak.  Not sure if it was astral, etheric , or something else.  They felt very very light compared to my physical body.  I turned and saw Shad standing nearby (I'd guess maybe 18 inches from me roughly) , but all blurry, like I had my glasses off.  He looked reptilian, from what bit I could see, but friendly body language.  I knew it was him by some inner instinct or knowing, like the first time i went wherever that place is and saw my soul aspect I knew exactly who and what it was by some inner knowing instinct.

I had started to try to shift to get a better look at him but he climbed on top of me, his arms at my sides and back saying, with a bit of a mischievous look in his eye and mental voice, "no need to go anywhere. We stay here like this."  For some reason he felt like he must way 500 or a thousand pounds or more.  And I think compared to me he felt very dense too.  As  I touched his back with my hands I felt a pleasant type tingle, resonance shoot through my hands and go up to my forearms.    After maybe 5 or 10 seconds it felt like he had lost most of his weight and was feeling like he usually did.  And I couldn't see him anymore.  For the time I could see him up close he did look reptilian, pretty muscular looking and a very friendly look to him, with a bit of a mischievous look in his eye.

I said something like , "uh." not sure what else to mentally say to him.  I wasn't scare at all of him, just a bit bewildered at what he was doing and why.  He said basically with the same hint of mischievousness, "we can have fun later, for now let's stay just like this."

Not sure what happened, but overall I'd say a pleasant experience looking back.  During the time it was also pleasant, but not sure what to make of it or not.   Didn't know he had a bit of a mischievous nature to him.  Maybe it came out or he didn't feel like indulging that part of him.

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Not sure how answered.  I asked soul, so what is it about the sorta anthro beluga looking beings we look like in that buffer space thing.  I got a reply from what sounded like a female voice, no idea who it was, "that is one of the little known races of Sirius, little is known of it on earth."  wonder if it is true and who that was.
Though with space travel possible some may have moved from elsewhere.

  Sort of like if say in the star trek universe if some vulcans moved to earth and had some kids there, and their kids had grand kids, the kids and grand kids could say they are from earth.  When the race originated on vulcan. 
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someone mentioned that something called the Galactic Federation of Light may be the organization soul is a member. I guess all incarnated members here are incarnate souls of high ranking members.  I'll have to look into seeing if i can find info about that.
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I recalled from an earlier conversation that shad may feel bad about himself so I decided to give him a compliment, that I find him sexually attractive.  I felt him give me a hug and for some reason when he did I felt this immense pleasure shoot through my body and for a few minutes the are he hugged me felt like it was resonating.
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I've been trying to stay between my thoughts as much as I can, not sure how that helps with anything.
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Not sure if it will help Shad any, but while taking a shower I thought since life is harsh in the lower astral or wherever Shad is, that it may help him if I visualized an all white filling my entire apartment and asked for soul aspect's help in making it protective from lower vibrational things would be kept out of my apartment, except that I want Shad to be excluded from that and unaffected.  Not sure if it did anything.  I'm guessing either nothing happened or it did work and he was not affected since I felt he was near me before during and after this.  I got no complaint from him so no idea if it worked or not or if he even knew what I tried to do and asked soul aspect to help me with.

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listened to a hour hypnotic relaxation audio.  Hoping that by using it daily I may be able to relax more fully in my mediation and get to a medium meditative trance or deep if I want.

It felt like I did get very relaxed and went deeper and deeper into a trance.  it also felt like during this Shad wanted to lay on top for most of the hour and just hug me.  I certainly don't mind and like the feeling.  I enjoy the physical closeness, or as close as we can get.  I kept going deep and guess I either fell asleep or went so deep I lost consciousness.  I awoke but was in a sort of light or medium trance.  I felt unusual, sorta like my body was the usual heavy feeling when I'm very relaxed.  But also I felt sorta fuzzy inside, and like I had a second body that was very light inside the physical body that felt pretty heavy.  And Shad felt heavier.  I tried to see if I could get a look for what Shad looked like and got 2 mental images.  The first was a the humanoid reptilian type, but also in instant later i got the image of a solid black muscular anthro orca.  Not sure if he's in the process of changing his appearance or is deciding on which one he wants to look like.   I mentally mentioned it's up to him which he wants to look like.  I like both appearances.
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I had a few encounters with Shad tonight. I did try a suggestion someone made to allow Shad to see through my eyes as i watched a livestream show. Felt like he sorta stepped into me. guess he had fun. Felt for a bit like our energies did some mingling or something for a bit.

Later while sitting in the chair it was like he got closer, sorta got the impression I was sitting on his lap as he hugged me. I did get some pleasure feelings during this. I got the mental image of a muscular solid black anthro orca. And the feeling of protectiveness.

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Had an idea today. Not sure why I didn't think of it before. In rl I'll refer to my shadow aspect as my real life first name. it is another me, and that may help with the integration perhaps. Online I thought of referring to him as Sam. I got the idea from Shadow Aspect. then thought what normal human name is short and starts with sa. Sam was the first one I thought of. I gave Sam a few minutes to think it over since I do think his preferences should be taken into account. I think he said that he liked the rl name and online name. hard to tell since his mental voice sounds exactly like mine. I like the idea. Better then a impersonal name like shadow aspect. Soul aspect I think I'll refer to as Soul, simpler that way. Though it may feel odd for a while for me to day my name while talking to Sam. I'm sure it'll pass soon.

Though I do wonder what the person who mentioned to me shadow can be devious and kinky. Guess I'll find out. I found out today they can be mischievous too. :)
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Hmm, matt mentioned a Galactic Council.  I wonder who they are.  If my soul aspect is a member of them.   Now if I were someone famous I could ask Matt, but since I'm not that avenue is unavailable, soul is not talking.

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Thursday [1-22]


Think I got a piece of a fragment of a maybe soul memory.  I usually prefer to call past lives parallel lives since time works different for souls, but I seem to sorta remember as of a short time ago that this me has had at least 1 previous life.  Not sure if it's accurate or a mistake I'm making.    and some of it isn't clear.   I was on some other world not earth and did awaken.  Not sure if i had soul aspect as a lover type then or if soul aspect split temporarily 2 aspects so it could experience incarnating 2 at the same time to be twin flames/lovers and 1 fully awoke earlier and the other started to awaken, further helped by the first.  and whichever is true, the energy that was me then choose to remerge with soul aspect, or both of them did, not sure if that was just the me then, if there was a 2nd incarnation soul did then, or if soul was a guide/lover. I can't remember that part very well.   but on coming to earth soul choose to use the energy of itself that had been that previous incarnation.  It does get pretty complicated when talking about soul, parallel and past lives.  I think i understand at least some of how it works.   Though all this could be just my imagination.

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Got another I think fragmentary memory.  Its a bit confusing.  When soul came to incarnate here it choose specific bits of it's energy that had been a previous incarnation that had fully awakened on another world.  Not sure if it experienced this as a twin flame who either helped each other to awaken, if 1 did and helped the other, or if it was just the 1 incarnation and it and soul became  lovers during this, since I guess a soul and it's aspects being lovers is natural. 

It choose this makeup of energy to experience awakening as a human, with the sort of hope that it may choose to be a separate soul and they could share their love and be lovers, and be a new member of the immediate soul family since she had chosen to merge with it before, or they choose to merge, the memory is unclear if it was 1 incarnation or a twin flame type.

? choosing one that had awakened before would make things easier ? ?

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I decided to try something, not sure if was a good thing, neutral or a bad thing. I went to wherever that all white place is that soul has been giving me soul, or whatever it is, food and hugging and kissing and yesterday we had sex. I invited my shadow aspect there and when I went there (still getting use to being in 2 place at the same time) we were already kissing and hugging each other. I could feel the love and sexual attraction we both felt for each other. I guess that means we're still on good terms. I couldn't see it to well, given the closeness, except it was a bit darker colored. I went back asking it if it could show me what it looked like or wanted to look like. We were hugging still and at first it looked like me, but slightly darker. Then it shifted the way it's eyes looked to be reptilian slit pupils, and I felt like it was watching to see and feel my reaction. When I thought and felt to my core "cool" it shifted a bit to look more like an anthro reptilian type. Then we kissed again.

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I do wonder what exactly is my shadow aspect. I tried asking it just now and all it said was <soul> and I tried asking my soul aspect what it is (soul aspect) and it answered [soul aspect] . So was my shadow aspect being vague ? Since i can say I'm soul. I am soul, just part of my energy is inter-meshed with the brain of this body.

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for a brief time it felt like I was mentally in 2 places but physically here, unlike being mentally and physically in 2 places.  it was that place again and it was as if soul and shadow were both hugging and kissing me at the same time, but like in that escher picture I could only mentally experience 1 of them at a time, though I did try to mentally feel them both at once.  I ? think/feel/know? this was perhaps a first lesson on them trying to expand or increase my awareness so i can get to where i can mentally experience both of them hugging & kissing me at the same time, then they may move to where the experience may be where I'm both mentally and physically in both locations then move the next step where I can experience both.  Though I may be totally wrong. 
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had an experience that I think is shadow doing something.  Felt like it connected on an area on my upper back and like it linked our energy systems partially so that at certain intervals it felt like it was squirting energy into my energy systems.  The effect was I could feel the energy pathways resonate with the energy, then the body would start to slightly resonate.  this went on for maybe 5 or 10 minutes.  With it pausing for certain lengths of time.  Not sure it's adding to the amount of energy, increasing the amount for some reason, increasing the vibration level, or something else.  A curious sensation. 
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 Had a short but passionate encounter with my shadow aspect.  Interesting, enjoyable, and perhaps more.
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Feels like my shadow aspect did something again. connected to back or something briefly and feels like I'm resonating again.  I'm pretty use to the feeling.  Hmm, felt like for a moment I mentally was both it and me at once.  for an instant.   like we almost merged then.  Hmm.   It did feel sentient, but more ? primal too?  if that makes sense.

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had another encounter with shadow aspect.  Seems the 2 of us do get along well.  That is good indeed. 

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 Hmm? Sign I am integrating shadow aspect? was meditating and feeling in my mind or being had notice I have some ? primal? bit added to my being, mind or personality? not sure of the right term. I think shadow aspect noticed this so he came for a bit of fun.

i was feeling the difference in the love we have for each other. Mine feels sorta more like soul's love and shadow aspect's feels more primal.


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WED [1-21]

Had an interesting experience this morning.  I'll try to type up the experience as best as I can recall.  Some of the stuff may be out of order.
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I was laying in bed resting a bit before I got up.  I had an image again of the 2 of us, soul aspect and me, in the bodies like we have before, sorta anthro beluga whales, but not quite, and as before when soul touched the body in the image I could sorta feel it.  Perhaps soul is getting me use to being multidimensional.  Intellectually.  I guess maybe this is getting me use to being multidimensional instead of just knowing intellectually knowing I am.  If this is experiencing what it's like then it can be said to be practical experience.

Soul was hugging me from behind again. 
I started asking soul about some stuff that I can't remember now.  <edit added in later: I do remember 1 thing.  I asked: "So which is true.  I read & heard that ego has to die for me to awaken fully, but in a video I saw last night Matt said ego is just inflamed personality, which is correct?"  Soul answered: [Matt]

I then got the mental image of  silver tray floating into the bouncing slightly up and down.  On it were to fancy pitches of 2 different colors.  One of them lifted as if by some pk and poured an invisible liquid into an invisible cup.  It felt like the invisible cup was put into my hand.  And soul said to me: "drink."

I asked: "but how can I? it's just imaginary, not real."
Soul: "Drink." with a gentle mental poke. I mentally shrug and imagine drinking the liquid.  The odd thing is I could feel the liquid both in the mouth of the image that as me and I could also feel it in the physical body's mouth, like it was some sort of soul energy and when I imagined swallowing it in the image I felt it start to go down my throat for a inch or 2 then wash through my entire energy of my energy in my physical body.   I've never felt that before.   I wonder how that liquid worked, what was it.   I think soul want back to hugging me from the back again, this time resting his left cheek against my right one.  I do have to admit that somehow I do notice I feel better after drinking whatever that stuff was. 

I just enjoy the experience for a while.  Then I ask soul aspect something that I can't remember. It then gently turns me around, it's beak touching the tip of mine.  It's eyes staring deep into mine and into my being. It feels like I'm in a light hypnotic trance.  It then says some stuff to me.  I don't recall all of it.  I think it started off with something like: "relax, accept, enjoy....." the rest I can't recall.

It goes back to hugging and us both enjoying the experience.  I ask: "Will I know what the liquid stuff was?" I ask with mild curiosity. Soul puts its left cheek on my right cheek and we sway a bit side by side.  "someday." he says.

I then ask, "So did you put me in a hypnotic trance?  How did you do that?"

Soul answers: {well, I am telepathic, and you are me so....}   I ask just out of mild curiosity: "doesn't that violate some sort of free will?"

Soul answers: {well you want my help don't you?}    I answer: "Certainly."   then soul rubs my chest in the image with it's right hand and says, {see, no free will violated.}  we go back to enjoying the experience of it hugging me with it's left cheek on my right as we sway a bit side to side.  I wonder if the reason soul is doing these seductive things is so I'll get use to it since we (soul and the immediate family) do this often and soul wants me to get use to this since this is normal for us.   I somehow know this is why soul is doing this, for that reason and so we can just enjoy the experience. Soul then says: {certainly. and some friends do too.}  maybe getting me use to this sorta everyday way we have fun and share enjoyment of being and being seductive before the deeper or further stuff we normally do with each other is introduced to me so I can get use to the next level.  Soul says basically the same as before: {certainly, us and some friends as well.}   We continue to just enjoy this for a bit before the image stops.

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I wonder what the liquid was.  Some sort of multidimensional drink.  I wasn't upset or anything before I drank it, but I do recall I felt better after drinking it.  It makes sense, since apparently they have implants, and tech or a method to put the implants into and take them out.  It makes sense there could be some sort of liquid.  I wonder if the liquid did something to me or not. I don't recall it having any taste.   I did ask soul, "if we can have some of the soul food and liquid later eventually?"   soul did answer: [certainly.] 

A little after I typed this I got the mental image of being kissed and could dimly feel it.  Now that I think about it it's like I am only feeling maybe 10% of it.  Maybe since I'm not fully aware of being multidimensional, or only partially aware?

Then I got the mental image of a small plate with a slice of cake on it floating into my mind's eye, bounding a bit as if it were carried by someone.  It was offered to me.  I recall it smelled delicious and I took 2 bites, it tasting delicious, but but like the kiss it was dim, like I was only getting maybe 10% of the experience?  maybe since I'm not yet fully aware of being multidimensional or I'm not fully awakened or ascended yet?   I did mentally chew a bit but it felt like I don't need to chew it.  So I swallowed it.  I could feel a warm feel like it went down my physical throat or the energy equivalent of my throat and into my stomach.  Then I felt a burst go from the stomach through the energy in my body.   A faint tingling?  but it was diffidently a good feeling that burst from the stomach and wash throughout the energy in this body.  Very interesting experience.  I wonder what it's like if i were getting 100% of the experience, smell and taste.

I find it that i can feel stuff in the mental image body of the experiences.  My idea is I'm being introduced to what it feels like to be multidimensional.  Also interesting how if I drink or eat something in the mental image body I feel it in the energy in this body.  So I guess what I take to be a mental image is real, some other location in one of the planes perhaps?

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I was curious and before I lay down to take a nap I asked soul out of curiosity if there is a liquid that can help me get to sleep quickly.  Not to use as a crutch, just since I'm curious.  I got ready to take a nap and when I lay down I had the mental image or was also wherever I am in that body.  and I had a glass of some liquid in my hand.  I did a sort of mental shrug and took mouthful of whatever it was.  Again it was like I could not taste all of it, just maybe 5 or 10% of it.  It was delicious, but a taste I can't describe since I've never tasted anything even remotely similar.  I took a second mouthful and went to sleep in less then a minute.   Guess that answers that question.

Also as I woke up I was there (and here too) again and found myself opening my mouth.  For a moment I wondered why then heard soul say as I saw one of it's hands with a piece of what looked like cake appear and put it into my mouth.  As it did it said, {don't swallow immediately.}  I held it in my mouth seeing if I could taste it and had the feeling again I wasn't fully tasting it, just a small percent.  It was a delicious sweet type of taste.  then it said [ok]  and when I swallowed I felt a type of tingle and a good feeling erupt from my mouth that rippled through the energy in this body.  Interesting that there is some sort of multidimensional food.

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later I was watching a short video on starseeds and it got to a bit where it said you are here on a mission.  And in a good naturedly joking manner said mentally to soul aspect, "yea, to be seduced by my soul aspect."  I was also partially in that wherever place and it gave me a hug as it said {oooo, that is just a fringe benefit.}  just a bit of good natured joking back and forth.

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Was joking around with soul aspect again asking it humorously: "why are you giving and feeding me all this soul food stuff?  Trying to get me fat?"

It responds in a similar humorous tone to it's voice: "you can't get fat on this kind of food."

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Just as I reread this I remembered something I forgot.  It was as if a part of my mind or me knew soul was going to put me into a light hypnotic trance and decided to accept it, then I forgot that bit until just now.  Still no idea on all that soul said to me while i was in that trance state.  just an impression of the first few words that i said above. 

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Took a short break in typing something for an rp I'm in elsewhere.  I was sitting back in my chair and at the same time I was there, the same place in the same looking body.  This time I found I had a piece of cake in my hand, no plate.  I did a mental type shrug and put it into my mouth, pausing to see if I can taste it.  Again it was like I was getting only 10% of the taste, but it was delicious, but also the tastes were far more complex then the human body can taste.  After I swallowed it I felt the usual burst from the back of the mouth area of this body with a pleasant good feeling wash through this body's energy.  But also a warmth from either my stomach or the 3rd chakra area, not sure which.  I did ask soul aspect why it's giving me all this food but all I get is the impression of a smile that means it won't say, at least not now.  I am curious though.  I would guess the sensations I'm feeling are that the food, or whatever it is, is having some positive effect on me that I'm not aware of, at least not yet.  I am still curious though.

I'm also thinking, is there a reason, an ulterior motive/reason,
silly pondering: or is it some sort of feed the incarnation some of our food day?
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After I took a shower then lay down to rest or nap. I was in 2 places again, like in my posts. In my physical body but also somewhere else in a sorta anthro beluga whale sorta body. Soul and I were hugging and kissing again. Soul went right for that, no talking. Then caressing that body of mine with it's hands. It moved to a more foreplay type thing, I put the mental (no idea if you know this is a specific plane or something?) I put my arms around his body and started to copy what his hands were doing, and then the rubbing of tongues. pressing a leg into each others' groin area. it felt like our energies were starting to intermingle slightly. The it moved to sex. The love we felt was there mixed in.

He had an erection in that and started to thrust into my, apparently the body I had was a hermaphrodite body. No idea of his was too or was male only. His thrusting into my female part caused a constant orgasm with the energy in this body starting to resonate, not to mention I got a physical erection. Still with love mixed in with the orgasm. It was hard to remain in the scene, but to hard. then he started to use a hand to caress my male bit and the constant orgasm grew stronger, the energy in this body grew hot and resonated stronger. Though this made it harder to hold onto the scene. I kept slipping back into being in the physical body only. After a half minute or so he stopped rubbing my male bit, then continued thrusting with the constant orgasm and the energy in this body resonating. The scene ended and it felt like a minute or so but the clock says 5 minutes had past. ever had an experience like this. It was ,wow, I do hope to experience it again. I guess having ? sex? , with one's soul is a good thing? I wonder if this was just for fun, or for other reasons also.

I can honestly say i'd like to experience it again. if doing this with ones soul aspect is like this, I wonder if what it would be like with one of one's guides or immediate soul family. that is if some guides do that or immediate soul family does. Ever heard of anything like this?  Though for now I think I'd prefer to keep it just between me and either my soul aspect or another aspect of myself.    I wonder if and when we, soul aspect and I, will share this again.   I did ask if we can do that again sometimes and it did say [certainly].  I think it best to not try for it or want it every time. Perhaps best to let soul decide when is best since it can see the larger picture and see more then I can.

Someone mentioned there may be some connection or association that ties me to to this particular version of me? The only thing I can think of maybe is maybe some sort of past live me? Since soul did say I would have the choice if I want to re merge with it or not. The key word here is re-merge which one can mean that I can guess that this me did have a past life of some sort and choose to re-merge with soul for some reason. Maybe it was a life that I fully awakened in it. and or soul may have incarnated twice to do a twin flame thing, or maybe soul and it were lovers. No idea if any known alien race looks like that I see. Though soul may be just taking images from who knows where.

Tuesday [2]   1-20

I decided to ask soul aspect of me: "So what is your opinion of me." i got quite a bit. Some of it is not g rated. But not x rated or anything like that.
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Soul: "a part of me, achieving & has achieved everything I set out to do. Just being is one of them. a part of me that I do love, feel attraction for, (soul sexual and non soul sexual), who needs to remember to relax and accept. You are well on your way to becoming me. We are helping and another you know is, and some you do not know at present but will know of & learn soon enough. Who will eventually be another soul, no longer part of me, but a new family member, a full equal since my memories will be kept, a present and future lover, relax, accept, a part of me who is becoming aware of his true nature, mmmm the lover part you've only partially experienced, wait till you are here fully, then you'll really see/experience. "

For a moment I was both in this body & also there with soul aspect, both in sorta anthro beluga whale type bodies (but not exactly but close) with it giving me a hug from behind (in a loving and seductive manner), i could even feel it's arms around my chest and its chest & belly touching my back. "[mmmm, this is a taste of what it'll be like here when you're here. Seductive? yes, but that is our way. You've experienced a taste of that alread" by our it means our immediate soul family. and us both too.  It was a big surprise when I found out about this recently.

I decide to accept all this

Soul: "accept, good. easier, faster, more fun for all." and again with us in bodies and I can feel it hugging me in a seductive and loving manner like before.

Don't mean this to read like a porn thing. I do look forward to being there fully. But since I'll be an independent soul with it's 'memories, i can wait however long I need to wait. After all at worst we can still communicate in various ways, and I can project there so it's not a total loss.

Me: "so are all souls as seductive, into sharing pleasure, sharing soul sex, loving as we (soul aspect, me & immediate soul family)? "

Soul's answer: "Some, all souls are love. some less emotional, more logical, but still with love. some are extremely into what you call sex. and still what humans call high level souls."

Very interesting.

Soul to what I was thinking: "oh yesss, some of both including the more extreme are friends of ours. You'll see once you are here." it said smiling, still the brief me here and there in bodies and hugging. By extreme

I'm use to being in 2 places at once. it feels totally normal since I am part of an multidimensional being.

Soul: "We may invite some to your welcoming party."

though I think this is in a more teasing manner. Not sure if it means this or is good naturedly teasing me, or teaching me something. & by welcoming party it means a welcome home party when this incarnation is over and I'm an independent soul with all of my soul parent's memories & I get introduced to our immediate soul family.


Soul: "oh, I mean all of those" I feel it smiling. guess that answers that. I accept this too.

and by inviting i feel/know soul aspect means the more extreme sex types. Not sure if the more logical,but still loving, would attend parties.

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had another brief conversation.  I got this from my soul aspect in 1 instant sending.  I think I'm use to the new communication style of not sending words but the intent. 

Soul: "what will happen is you won't become me and I won't be fully inside your body.  Layers will be pealed away and you'll be aware fully that you are me.  though your body, physical and energy, may well contain more energy then you are aware of.  Your vibration will be raised, to use human terms.  that is not the exact process but close enough to use human labels.  and when you do become a separate soul once you are here and say your intent it'll just happen." 

This next part i got while i was typing the first part.

"Though I'll make sure you'll not notice the exact moment (I feel a mischievous grin from soul) since you'll be in to much pleasure experiencing from the hugging and kissing we'll be doing once you say your intent.  I'll make sure the first experience you have as a separate soul is very pleasurable, thought not in the extent or extreme that souls can experience, just a taste and introduction."

I accept and look forward to that.  Maybe the extent or closer to the extreme maybe is saved for the welcoming party?  hmm.  Diffidently a number of things to look forward to.  :) 

Tuesday  [1-20]

I tried to do a short meditation on sharing love with the soul aspect and any other aspects of me that wanted to come.  Soul did also a mental sorta hug, but also gave me the same non human image.  I wonder why it does this. I do like anthro cetacean pictures, but also other anthro and non anthro like dragons, reptilains and certain others. I do wonder if it likes the tactician ones better or if there is some message I'm not quite catching.  It felt like another aspect did join in as well.  Not sure if that was shadow aspect or another one.  Also not sure if I've fully integrated with shadow aspect or not.  It also felt like soul aspect was keeping a more intense amount of love just below the surface, so to speak, where I could feel it.  Maybe keeping it down not to overwhelm me or something, or that much may knock me out of the experience. 

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I do wonder what aspect of me that is that when I did the open invitation for any aspects of me to come and share in the love.  It always does show up, so far.  It feels like it has around the same level of energy I have so I'd guess not my shadow aspect.  No idea if i have fully integrated with Shadow aspect yet or not, but at the start of the integration it felt like the shadow aspect had around 2-4 times more energy then I had in this body.  So it's not shadow aspect.  When I asked soul aspect what aspect it was all it would say is [it's another me] which I knew so no answer there, just curious.  and curious if I have integrated with shadow aspect fully or not. 

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Not sure how my energy changed or exactly when it did yesterday.  I'm use to the way it feels currently.

Also did a short meditation of sending some of the sexual desire to soul aspect.  Felt like it enjoyed that.  Then I got the idea to include some other aspects to share with them.  My sex drive/urge went to around mid level and shot up to normal max, when I stopped.  Didn't want it to get to high.   Seems I got back more then I gave.
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Not sure what I experienced would count as another non abiding awakening.  I was playing a game on my tablet and had something playing on youtube, just as background noise.  I decided to see if I could go between my thoughts then see if I could step back to feel the aspects of me while i was playing the game and.... the only way I can explain it was being 2 and 2 at once.  This me went on playing the game and not thinking while I was also soul.  It basically did the equivalent of shaking it's head and thinking "humans, one day they'll learn." in reference to the YouTube video.  It was talking about how a group of families and the upper echelons of the military control so many things.  I only picked it to listen to since the title made it sound like it was about something else and not what it was about.  I thought it would talk about some of the Sirius stuff.   It felt so normal doing that that it was quite a few minutes, around the time I stopped the video since it was boring, when I then realized what had happened.   I have no real interest in world events and such.  They'll play themselves out and will continue till humans eventually learn centuries from now.   

I guess I experienced again, as I have, what it is really like to be multidimensional.  I've experienced it before and when i do i never notice since it is so normal for soul that I don't notice at the time.  & it can take minutes or longer before I do realize what happened.

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Had an interesting short experience when i awoke from a nap.  I was laying in bed and thinking on an experience I had earlier and again was both the incarnate laying in the bed and the soul, both at the same time.  Soul aspect did say [soul is love].  I guess using the singular since there really is just 1 soul, with many different identities. 

I also saw a video on youtube about starseed origins.  I didn't know there could be that many possibilities for systems & planets of origin. 

--------------------------
Decided to ask soul about the implants as i was typing this, took a brief break. 

me: 'what were the implants for that were removed from me?" 
soul: They were to help in communications and your projecting.  Since i was to be a guide of sorts for you.

me: "what age were they put in?"
soul: 3

me (think I asked this before but not sure).  Why were they removed?
soul: no longer needed.
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I asked a few more questions of soul aspect, 1 question it won't answer.  I'll try to put it down as accurately as I can.

me: "so you can could just get implants to put into your incarnation?"
soul: Well, I am a high ranking member.

me: "high ranking, what do you mean by that?  High ranking member of what?"
soul doesn't answer.  I get the feel it's like smiling and purposely not answering.

Me: "ok, then does that mean when I become a separate soul with your memories will I be a member of whatever organization with your rank"
Soul (sorta a mental shrug): certainly, why would you not be?

Me: "ok, do I have your rank now in whatever organization it is?"
soul (again sorta a mental shrug): certainly, you are me (pauses for a bit) for now.

The last part I assume means I'm it and it is me till the incarnation is over and I will choose to be a separate soul with it's memories.  So it seems since I guess I am an incarnation of a soul with a high rank in some organization or something I have no knowledge about.  

Silly pondering: if true, where's my cool flying sports car/starship? 

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I went between thoughts again briefly and this time since someone mentioned I was connected to the earth grid decided to see if I could feel that.  it seems that only when I'm not thinking and I feel around in a certain way i can feel I'm connected to some sort of huge grid and there is some sort of energy coming through me into the grid. The energy feels like it comes from sorta above somewhere.  It also feels different then my energy feels.  Not soul energy perhaps.
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Found what soul sorta looks like when it gives me a mental image or I see a mental image. Not sure if I'm seeing it or it's sending me one at those times. I thought the face and forehead looked familiar and I finally remembered and looked up. It sorta looks like a beluga whale, but the eyes are more forward facing and I'm not sure if the melon is as large as in a beluga.
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