Saturday [1-24]

Not much to say now.  I'm not sure if Sam is elsewhere this morning.  Not sure if one's shadow aspect spends time away from the person for certain reasons, like having to hunt for food, get food through other means.  If they have friends or others they visit, do other stuff.  If they get in moods like anyone does and like to be alone or do other stuff elsewhere.  Or if he's getting a bit less dense so harder for me to feel.  Since i guess my feeling ability may not be very sensitive. 
----------------------

Wonder if I should continue as is or maybe try adding in either lucid dreaming or astral projection to see if that may help with integrating Sam faster, better, same speed but adds to a new avenue of fun. I think I'll also use some hypnosis for relaxation on my mp3 player and see if I can turn it off so I can take myself out when I want.
----------------------------
asked soul about the color change he's been going through over the decades.  I got it in the usual pop all at once.  That was an hour or so ago.  not sure how much of it I can remember.

it was multi purpose.  Part of it was to show the future me my degree of awareness . And it also allowed soul to somewhat experience briefly (I guess at a soul's point of view) of being the younger soul ages, though not fully possible since some old soul stuff would still leak through.

Soul ages is a pretty complicated thing that I'll not go into here.  Maybe in another entry.

-----------------------------

I think for the next week or so I may try a few new things to see what works and what doesn't.  Some stuff like astral projection to see if I can interact with Sam more, maybe help speed the integration, or if it'll be more fun.  the hypnosis for relaxation to see if that helps me to be more aware of being in the buffer space, and or if it helps with my meditating.    See if i can get to do some lucid dreaming to see if that'll help with integrating with Sam and soul, though likely not both at once.  though if possible why not.   THink I may try a past life regression to see if I can get any off world stuff.  if not that is ok.

astral, hypnosis, lucid.    just notes here for myself.
=====================
Tried the astral projection, nothing. Maybe I'm not evolved enough yet as an individual or a soul yet to astral project.

No word from my shadow aspect all day so far. Nothing since last night. Guess maybe either he wants time alone, I got him mad, or he decided he doesn't want to integrate. Maybe he didn't like my thinking of my calling him by my name in rl and Sam on here. Maybe I should have kept with Shad.

No word, I did apologized and nothing I can do. I may try to see if soul is up for any work, or just focus on trying to get better at relaxing with the hypnosis for relaxation. Nothing else I can do but that, continuing to try to remain between my thoughts and do meditations on that and going to that buffer space.

Who knows, maybe this is as far as I can go for this lifetime. Time will tell. As it always does.

Just wish future me would give some tips now and then.

--------------------------
figured out part of why I've been feeling kinda odd.  I've had no mystic type experience in over 12 hours.  First time in many years.  Except Thursday afternoons when I'm with the rpg group.   i wonder what is up.   maybe I've come as far as I can in this lifetime and the rest has to be finished by the next incarnation. 

Still no message, reply, nothing from the shadow aspect of me.  Soul aspect isn't responding when I send him messages.  eh, maybe this as far as I can go in this incarnation.  and its' the next one that'll pick up from this point and finish.
-------------
some is really messed up with me, no idea what. Tried that 20 minute hypnosis audio for ultra deep hypnosis. yesterday i went very deep. Today not past a light hypnotic trance.

-------------
Ick, think I'll give up on mediating for the rest of the day. I tried to go to the all white space. I saw what looked like an anthro dolphin already there, a dark colored one. I asked soul aspect if it was here for some work we needed to do but I got what sounded like harsh mental voice that said [No!] and more unnerving was the friendly expression of the anthro dolphin.

Oddly I tried to conjure some food stuff but it looked disgusting and rotten, ick. I'll not try that again nor go there again. I tried to do one of 2 regular old fashioned mediation technique I made up as a teen. Just relax and let whatever thought wants to pop up pop up, but don't push it aside. I had the mental image of a very friendly playful with it's mouth open dolphin (except it's/?his? eyes were forward facing) kept appearing. Even when I tried to go between my thoughts. Luckily I have a technique that instantly gets me out of that light meditative state, or even if it is medium or deep, which I never can control how deep of a meditative trance I go to. Light, medium or deep, it just happens and i have no say. Luckily i can snap myself out by just jerking a body part and poof I'm out.

Wow I must have degraded or devolved or something. no wonder I got that harsh No from soul aspect and shadow aspect is who knows where. I'll try playing dr who legacy. i notice i can go between my thoughts playing that and not even notice. as if i could ever fully awaken. I actually thought that i could, this is big proof I can't.
--------------------
tried the past life audio to see what would happen. No idea where I was. it was no past life. I was sorta in 3 places, my body in the all white buffer space, and at the same time some place that was water/not water, all white crystalline type. Or maybe it was I was in the all white buffer space then maybe I felt a force grasp me and pull me to a place that was water/not water, like slightly thicker air kinda, and i had the impression of white crystalline type structures or a room i was in. not sure since this all was a brief glimpse.

Though most of my view was take up by a, I think, was a non anthro dolphin of some sort. I don't recall the color i was still grasp in some sort of force, pk maybe and pulled close as it said "welcome". Feeling down with one hand, and I'll be vague to keep it pg was his male ...I did feel it and to my hand it felt firm and slick, he seemed to enjoy the slight rub, then I remembered the harsh "no!' from earlier and jerked the body of this shoulder to pop back out of the trance I was in. I had the same sorta headache that I have if my eyes get to much light, slight though it is. pain on each side of my head, kinda near my temples but inside my head somewhere. for a minute or so felt like the pads of the fingers and thumb had the slightest resonance.

Think I'll lay off anything mystical for a while, no idea what the [censored] is going on nor why i guess soul & shadow aspect may be angry at me or at least shadow doesn't want to talk to me or be near me an soul is angry for some reason. I'm totally confused. yay for being confused, as Matt would likely say if I told him and was famous enough to talk to him. Hope it's not to nasty to have put here, i did try to keep it as pg as possible, sorry, though it's likely only me reading this. think I'll go take an asprin or iboprofen or whatever I have.
---------------------
Still no idea what the [censored] is going on. Wish I knew or that someone could tell me so I'd know. I'm not sure how to feel. Except I should stay away from anything mystical since I've no idea what the [censored] is going on. maybe if I stop whoever is mad at me will stop being mad and can cool down. I'm sure someone will tell me in a very obvious way it's ok to continue, unless I was meant to stop and let the next incarnation pick up from this spot. wish i had been told that. though considering my age how much time do I really have anyway.

That is to bad really since I do want to continue and would like to merge back into 1 being, or merge as much back into 1 being as I can in the time I have left.

Guess that includes no matt videos for tonight. Just wish I knew what the .... is going on and when and if I'll be ok to continue but I'll have no way to knowing till after this incarnation is over then it'll be to late.

This whole system sucks. your memory of who and what you are is blocked, you're expected to awaken and merge while stumbling around blindly with no idea what to do and at the same time you have aspects of you that fight and hate you. this is a pretty [censored] up system. I know this me would not come into such a system. no [censored] way. The humans want this system, let them live with the ramifications for the rest of the life of their species. They were cautioned about the unsavory, disadvantages. I don't see any advantages in such a system. Humans must be one of the most stupid species around. I'd go on but it would end up being whole pages.

with such an idiotic [censored] system in place I don't believe any one trapped in a human body can awaken more then partially, certainly under such a system getting to ascended master is NOT possible. what a [censored] [censored] [censored] system. the souls who came to inhabit here were given the drawbacks of such a system. i say let them stew in their own decision. if they wish there are other worlds they can move ot once their incarnation is over, or if they have none at present they can move right away.

it may seem like I'm angry or really pissed off but I'm not.  I'm feeling, calm, also confused as to what happened earlier and scared about what happened also. 
--------------
Think I'm past the anger.  Still think it's a pretty stupid system the humans have here. 

also still no idea what was going on this afternoon.  Still confuses me.  If someone can get information to me wither by asking their guides or soul since I'm confused.    I don't know how i should feel.   Since i don't know what was happening in those scenes, maybe different things.
-----------------------------------
Not sure why but I got the name Shad or Chad, not sure.  I think Shad since I then got Shadington.  Looked it up and found a thing that lets you search for a name and got Shaddington.  Very interesting.  Not sure of the full meaning of it.  I'll put the link here for mainly my own reference.  I've not fully read it, just read some, scanning, and it does seem interesting.  Wonder if that is ? shadow aspects name? 

http://www.sevenreflections.com/name-numerology/shaddington/
-----------------------
Still wonder what was going on earlier?  misunderstanding on my part at some point about something? I've no idea, maybe some else can see plainly .   It does happen at times, others can see what is plain to them but one can't.  Well maybe someone will respond on this or pm about what was going this afternoon.  In the meantime, back to Monty Python.  Glad I got myself that Christmas gift a few years back.
--------------------

Not sure why, maybe cause part of my mind is focused on the game, but i've noticed over the past week for some reason that while I'm playing the android game Doctor Who: Legacy that either I don't think, remaining between thoughts or when I do think it tends to be in what I guess is the concept, I don't think words when i do think it's more like 'poof' thought is done.  instead of making it into words.  I do try to do this when I think of it but keep forgetting to go between and even harder to think when I do in those poof concept things.

also not sure how going between my thoughts is supposed to help.  I've been doing that off and on since I made up that sorta mediation as a teen and I'm not very advanced of an individual or incarnation.
-----------------
I thought about it and though others may find it strange I do think it is healthy to find one's aspects sexually attractive and like the idea of sex with them.  Why not.  Ignoring the human culture thing, and humans are very strange creatures.  It does seem quite normal, and un healthy if one did not.  At least the aspects one gets along with.  I assume I assume the various aspects of me get along fairly well. 
-----------
I also wonder who was that male dolphin and where was that white place with white crystalline structures though I didn't get a good look.  and why was I yanked there from that white buffer room?
 ---------------------------