Tuesday [2-3]

I'm not sure if I will or not.  But i can decide later. 

It could be that either you've been male a bit more then female, or maybe your natural inclination is to be male when you are not incarnate. 

Maybe you can help to heal our male part or something.

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had an interesting experience this morning.  Not sure what it means or why it happened.  When I woke up I could feel a type of ? energy ? that was like love/joy/pleasure that was like either some type of channel bond or link that I had with the whole pod and the whole pod with each other.  I focused on feeling and experiencing this and also with the intent to share it with all of the other pod members as well.  Once this ended It felt like I was resonating, but the resonating felt completely different.  Or was it that it was a different energy body was resonating and that is why it felt totally different.  Not sure when I feel the resonating if that is usually the physical body or another one doing that.  this did feel different in the way the resonating felt and also maybe a different body inside this one.

I then briefly tried to project wherever the place is I've been a few times, I guess upper astral or high astral, the place where there is multi colored Crystal structures around, but they are always off in the distance a short distance away, when I'm with the pod.  it felt like someone, maybe 1 or more of the pod, grabbed whatever part of me was there to hold me there and the rest of the pod sent that energy at me. It felt dimmer weaker then before, maybe since I'm less sensitive or less aware.  Maybe since i'm in 4th d and not 5 or 6th d, thinking or awareness, if that makes any sense.

it left me with a mild headache. Not sure if I can do anything about those headaches. 

I didn't ask what was going on since I was sure either I'd get no answer, a vague one, or they'd say I'd know later, or something along those lines.  I just accepted and enjoyed it instead.

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I wonder also if thee is any way I can more fully move into 5d, increase my awareness, ect, or if I don't have to do anything and it'll take care of itself, with maybe the pod and higher self, ect doing stuff mostly behind the scenes , or below or above, my level of awareness.

I also wonder what was that experience I had earlier and why did/does the resonating feel either totally different and or it's a different energy body, something else or a mix?
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Still not sure if i"ll be going to that qi gong class tomorrow night.   I feel pulled 50/50.  qi gong does seem interesting.  I may meet some folks I may get along with, though with the class being 6 lessons that may be to short.  It would cost $40, which could cost more, compared to some of the other classes that happen at the store.  I would have to be coming home and waiting for the bus, though the temperature is chilly.  I'd miss most of the Wednesday livestream that i watch.  and this week they'll be showing the last 3 episodes of a funny anime.   another part of me is I can try learning qi gong from youtube videos.  So I'm still undecided. 
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I've been thinking, if the pod in that whatever place it is, if it is upper or high astral are the same ones in that place where everyone looks like balls of light.  I wonder if they travel back and forth, or if the balls of light are like their souls or higher selves, and the pod at the high or upper astral are as high as they can go.  Or if it may be another thing.  like they hang out there in the high or upper astral and can travel to the balls of light place when they want, or if they have to have their soul or higher selves pull them there.

if I do choose to be an independent soul with soul parent's memories, will I be in the 5th or 6th dimension, depending on how far I get to in this incarnation.  if I get only up to 5d, assuming I get to 5d and not higher, will I have to ask them to pull me up to 6d, if that is possible, and I'd have to work at going from 5d to 6d.  or if the bond/soul connection is strong enough between myself and the pod members if the bond/soul connection could pull me up to 6d.

also if I'd have to work to get to be able to travel between the pod hang out place and the balls of light place.   or if I'd be aware of being in both, the balls of light place and the high or upper astral place where the pod do look something like dolphin type beings.

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Still feels like I'm not doing anything and I do want to progress. Guess I have to get use to though I seem to be doing nothing maybe I am doing something. Maybe that being on the fast track that Scarlett mentioned.

maybe the meditations and various yoga stuff I do does some help I'm not aware of. Staying between my thoughts is still not easy. I wonder if it ever will be.

Think after my snack and nap I may try a few other types of meditation to see what happens and how I like the feel of them.

I've not heard from my twin all day. That feels normal though. No need for use to be in constant contact after all.

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I've not had any real contact with anyone, no higher self. That feels ok though. Earlier today, forgot to type it up, I did get a short mental visit from some pod member who's energy I didn't recognize consciusly but part of me knew is a pod member. It was a brief encounter. I shifted my tongue to having 3 tongues, one longer then the other 2. Then it felt like 2 others joined in, and it seemed I was in a dolpin form like theirs. from what happened I wonder if when I'm over there if i"ll be often a herm type gender. Or a partial herm, a male herm as it's called in some furry circles.

This may be more of a resting pause before more stuff starts up.

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I've not had any real contact with anyone, no higher self. That feels ok though.  Earlier today, forgot to type it up, I did get a short mental visit from some pod member who's energy I didn't recognize consciously but part of me knew that she is a pod member.  It was a brief encounter.  We caressed briefly, then I shifted my tongue to having 3 tongues, one longer then the other 2.  Then it felt like 2 others joined in, and it seemed I was in a dolphin form like theirs.  from what happened I wonder if when I'm over there if i"ll be often a herm type gender.  Or a partial herm, a male herm as it's called in some furry circles.

This may be more of a resting pause before more stuff starts up.

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also while I was eating & didn't notice I wasn't thinking it was like i was partially my higher self, not fully or maybe fully with some stuff blocked or I wasn't aware of.

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I was thinking. if the dolphin pod lives in the upper astral, is it possible that some of the females could get pregnant. Though I'd guess it works different for them then on earth.

was thinking what gender I'd prefer to be if I were to live with the rest of the pod. I think maybe male, herm, male herm, or maybe switching around based on my mood. I'd have to think on it further.

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I was thinking. if the dolphin pod lives in the upper astral, is it possible that some of the females could get pregnant. Though I'd guess it works different for them then on earth.

was thinking what gender I'd prefer to be if I were to live with the rest of the pod. I think maybe male, herm, male herm, or maybe switching around based on my mood. I'd have to think on it further. Maybe a herm? hmm, makes me wonder if the female, and any herm, pod members have mammary slits like earth dolphins have, or if they don't.

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I asked Green sister if she is one of my guides, since I've seen her recently fairly often. She said that the entire pod would be my guides until I fully awakened. I asked are you sure it'll happen. She then smiled and said they would make sure I would.

I asked what gender is soul usually when it's there, she said herm. Hmm, that feels like it would fit. I asked who was the one who visited me earlier today <one of the younger ones, she's a bit shy.> So how old is soul compared to some other pod members <one of the more senior members.> Though I get the feeling and or knowledge that they don't have a real rank system like many human societies and some animal societies. the pod members treat each other as equals, but if one needs or wants some advice they may go to one of the older members.

So what was that stuff you were doing earlier? <ask scarlett>
Do the female and herm pod members have mammary slits like earth dolphins do? <if they want to> she then added in a humorous <males can have them too if they want to.>

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are there video games and movies where the pod hangs out? <of course> in both places? <yes.>

Why have I not seen all the tech you have in both places? <you've seen some bits of it or the products of it. later you'll see more.>

<she finally overcame her shyness, and she was curious.  You have built up a bit of a repuation.>

So have you been spying on me, I ask humorously <of course.  all the more senior mebers & some of the more curious ones.>

have I seen all the pod members? <no.>
if I asked for the number of pod members would you tell me? <no.>

I'm sure I'll continue to have treatments <yes>  will some be like the one I had today <yes> 

Monday [2-2]

I wonder if my higher self will be around as much before shad and I started to integrate or if it'll be around less since I guess I'll grow more aware of being it. though i won't integrate it like I did Shad so it's not the same. I don't think I'd grieve the higher self, since it will be around, just that talking to him mentally will be like talking to myself, though I'm sure in that buffer space thing we'll still embarrass and such. Maybe a sort of transition period were the guides are my higher self & twin flame, but the dolphin guy who's, I guess, a aspect of my oversoul may start coming in more as my higher self comes less. Just a guess.

Not sure if I did make shad like he is now, if My twin taught my subconscious how to do it or how. Also not sure why shad very seldom talks, maybe since he's a part of me, he doesn't feel the need much. It may also be when I talk to myself sometimes it is him but I don't notice. And or it may be that I'm not aware enough to know when he does talk, or it may be a mix of these.

Maybe since i want to be a separate soul identity with soul parent's memories, maybe that is why Shad does talk some. Maybe he needs to grow in his self awareness, if that makes sense, or maybe I do. Maybe both of us do. it could be if I was going to just remerge with soul then Shad wouldn't be talking at all after the full merging. This may be helping me to be more self aware, expand my awareness and teach me a bit of being a soul with aspects i can talk to and can talk back. It may be a mix of these, as i grow in self awareness and expand perhaps shad will as well. and or I'll learn to tell, that is shad and this is me, though sometimes I can tell since it was a thought i wasn't expecting, and at times Shad does instead of sending words just does the intent before the words.

I do need to keep practicing going between my thoughts during the day.

I may go to that qi gong for wellness. Though I'll miss half of the livestream I enjoy on Wednesdays. 1 Wednesday to see what it's like. if I go to all of the rest it's only 6 in total. if there is enough interest the person may do an ongoing. $10 a week isn't to much, though for an ongoing I may just not go for 1 a month. not sure if it goes ongoing if I'll make any friends or not. i guess in 6 weeks it's unlikely.


last night and this morning I think I may have successfully asked one of the dolphins I've seen in whatever that place is for and got a distance hug sort of thing, slight intermingle of energies. The feel of his energy is one I think I've felt before, but cant say is it family, friend? I can't say which. Did leave me with a good feeling all over. joy/love/companionship/closeness mixed in together. I say he since his energy does have a male feel to it. Is it normal that having done that just now it feels like my sex drive has shot up, from non existent to near normal peak?

maybe the reason they have not done this was I never asked and they were waiting for me to ask and be comfortable with learning about my true nature, this part of my true nature?
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So it seems maybe I may be going out say every thursday and sunday. 3 sundays a month the sahaja yoga, the toher the mind-body-spirit fair.  Maybe a few saturdays.  so maybe 2-4 times a week I may be going out, not bad.  Though I'd be home most of those days.  Though i don't want to go to overboard.  Take it a bit at a time.

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Had I think an interesting conversation with some of those dolphins.   I don't recall all the conversation perfectly but I'll try to summarize it.

I was thinking on the dolphins and dolphins kept poping up, was it since soul likes being a dolphin best, or the early formative incarnations/years as a young soul it was a dolphin on some other plane or world or something?

one of them then said that i'm a dolphin at my heart.  <remove the human programming and be your true dolphin self. >I asked if true if they would help, another said I'm a member of the pod, of course they'd help.  another said they'd move only at the speed I'm comfortable with. 

Finding it odd they used pod since i had read that dolphins are called schools and pods are orcas, I looked it up and found that for a group of dolphins either term fits, school or pod.  reading some of the rest of the page got humorous replies, when I read some of the purposes dolphins form a pod, when i got the the for mating word one of them said <without consequences> .  for hunting got the reply <for what?>  guess they don't hunt since they can easily get food easily.  for protection got the reply <from what, getting involved in orgies?  if you don't want to get involved in the occasional orgy hanging with us isn't a useful thing>   another <and sometimes not so occasional>

I asked if they'd like to have Shad as a member, <of course.> one said I then asked them if they knew Shad, <certainly.> I asked Shad if he'd want to be a member of the pod and I'll put what he said into pg. "cool. a lot of dolphins to have sex with." though he used a non pg word there.


i asked so where do you hang out.  <high astral and upper realms)  it then asked where do we hang out.  <upper astral and higher realms>


I jokingly asked, "so who is the alpha male." I got a number of humorous replies.  <all of us are.>  <today is my turn.>  <I have 3 days next week.> 

a part of me wonders if this can be true.  think i got a message from another one jokingly saying, <we'll make you believe.>
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Had an interesting experience.   Not sure what was going on but maybe some here does.   I lay down to take a nap.  To put it simply I think I was in that are where I had been before, the place where there are the multi colored crystal structures, or was it the white buffer space?  I can't remember.  i think not teh white buffer space.

The dolphin guy that seems to be a guide, and is an aspect of the same oversoul I'm a part of appeared a short distance from me and swam towards me.  I don't know why, guess feeling an intense love is normal. I felt an intense love for him and told him that I loved him.  He swam up close and we embrased.  it was then that I noticed that I was in what was like a non anthro dolphin body, but I still had binocular vision like humans have, or very similar. 

he told me to just relax and accept and experience the love I was feeling for him.  After a bit I started to feel very light, no idea why or what was going on.  When I started to ask him what was going on he told me to relax and accept the experience. 

As I recall we embrased like this the whole time, with my feeling light several more times.  The rest of the times I just accepted what was happening and experienced it, still no idea what was going on.  I felt it one last time just after i woke up. 

He mentioned they (meaning the pod) had some sort of, forgot exactly what he said, some sort of celebrion, something they wanted to do with me later, a party, I forgot his exact words, but something fun.

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Had some interesting experiences. Some of these were talking to the dolphin guide a few hours or less ago. Interesting in highlight of what I read on an email response and a yourspace.

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I asked him if he was a guide for the whole pod and i got the feeling that he couldn't really answer that. Now on reading Shinshoo's comment I think the reason why was he sees the whole pod, including himself as equals, companions, just he knows some stuff, is more experienced, and or a bit more aware, wiser then them so maybe that is why I felt he couldn't answer the question the way i asked it.

Not sure why but I asked the dolphin guide if he found me sexually attractive since I do find him. he said he did. I also asked if we could have some more fun and sharing later, he said sure. I mentioned I thought guides were not supposed to be into that sort of thing. To which he said we are both dolphins after all. On further questioning I find that he sees me as not just a fellow pod member but also a guide, less experienced them him, and just starting out, not a full guide maybe. He said then that I was helping and guiding people though I wasn't fully aware of it and sometimes wasn't aware of it at all. He then, I wasn't aware of when he started doing the dolphin equivalent of hugging, embracing, with me. it seemed so normal I never noticed when he had started. he then looked into my eyes and I was a guide, helping various people of various species, some incarnated. And thinking i was tempted to incarnate maybe too so I could experience some of what they were experiencing since some of it did look like fun. Then I became myself again. I asked if he had done that. he said yes, he let me see a bit of what being a guide is like for him and that i would be a full guide one day.

i then asked since i'm more spiritual I should just stop masturbating then. he said cutting back was one thing, skipping some days here and there is another thing, stopping totally would be denying my true nature. i then asked if he & the rest of my fellow pod members can teach me to put that energy to more constructive uses, to which he said we will help you to remember. I asked if he or one of them could heal or fix my eye problem and he said they would handle it later

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I also went to the white buffer space thing and saw Shad there. We mainly embraced, hugging each other. he looked like a dolphing, a white one I think as I recall. He asked if I wanted to do it for old time's sake, i asked if he really wanted to, to which he said no. we continued to embrace and share our love and affection for each other. Then without my knowing it he reached down to caressed my maleness to which my kundalini immediately started to resonate. I caressed both of his, he seems to like having 2 often.

I also asked Shad if he'd want to be a separate soul with my memories or if he'd prefer I waited till I merged with my twin flame first then maybe he could pick to have both our memories or just mine.  he said he liked that idea, he'd pick both of our memories. and he would like to experience being a separate soul with both our memories, mine and my twin, or i guess I should say our twin flame since he is a part of me now.  i had not seen our twin all day, but that is ok, she has been with me friday and the weekend as i was going through some stuff and I don't expect her to be around me all the time.  I mentally asked her if she'd be ok with that, us merging at some point then letting shad try being an individual soul with both our memories.  I got the impression of a smile, so I guess she agrees.  Shad then said, if he didn't like it he could always remerge with me later.  Which is true.  or he could re-merge for periods of time, then split off when he wants.

Been the dolphin guide today.  with bits of shad.  The dolphin guide, i assume it is, has sent me a few erotic images.

I tried the Sahaja yoga mediation they had in the handout and I did feel a coolness, though not fully.  Likely need to balance my chakras, and clear blockages.  i need to buy some stuff so I can do the foot soaking thing that is suposed to clear the first 3 chakras but I have none of that stuff.  I have nothing to soak my feet in, no salt, no way to light a candle.  Should get some candles too. 
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just accept, enjoy and go with the flow. A hard thing to remember to do.

A female pod member who looked likes like her color is green, an green dolphin, neat & unique. Or at least that is the mental image I got. I assume sent by her so I know what she looks like. Unusual color. It feels like she gave me a hug, nice. Some inner part of me somehow knew she was a healer, sort of like an instinctive knowing. No idea why but when I visualized touching her side with my hand my kundalini started to resonate. No idea what it means or why. I guess she sent me a hug to say hello, or the normal dolphin type thing. I asked and she was that same green soul I saw sometimes in that place where everyone looks like balls of colored light.

Funny thing is she refereed to me once during our conversation as sister. She said we had been sisters in a past incarnation. Interesting. I had assumed that soul had incarnated as both genders. Though I've usually been a male when I am with any of them, higher self, ect. The rest of the conversation if she refereed to me it was using sibling.

If I can live with the dolphins permanently, I can see maybe changing my gender. Not sure if I'd be male usually, all the time, or change based on my mood. Still not sure if I'll incarnate or not. I'll decide later. Higher self, I think a day or a few days ago, did mention that some souls in my position, who become independent souls with their soul parent or parent's memories choose to never incarnate again. he mentioned once i was over there fully my perspective may change, or it may not.

For some reason I found for a while I could turn on my kundalini resonating, or turn it off. I did that several times then left it on, thinking that a resonating kundalini means something positive.

Maybe odd, just now I had a sudden intense emotion that made my eyes water a little. Love/joy/contentment/togetherness sorta feeling just now thinking of the pod. Hard to describe the feeling but that is the closest I can.

Just a short time ago she , the green dolphin, gave me a pleasurable caress, no sex, just a caress.  She called me brother this time.  I visualized caressing her side.  i get the impression she enjoyed it.   I kidded with her about not making her (my twin) jealous.  She laughed.  Funny since I don't think my twin could be jealous, i know I would not be jealous if she was having fun with someone.  I think from now one I'll call the green dolphin sister or soul sister. Or green sister.  I guess she did it from where they normally hang out. I didn't know they could do that.  That is a pretty long distance.  Though i guess distance doesn't matter.


I asked the dolphin guide guy what do I need to do next and he said nothing.  Guess it's rest time for me, or they will be doing stuff behind the scenes or something.

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Sunday   [2-1]

It seems she is raising my vibration for some reason. I wonder if I'll assimilate her next. I hope not since it'll be I keep getting a new non physical friend and within weeks poof they are integrated into me, like Shad was. My higher self, from what I put in above, won't be, but he said it'll eventually get to the point where I'll be aware of him and if we do talk it'll be like my talking to myself. So I guess at that point we won't see each other, but hopefully we well. My guess at some point the dolphin guy will be my primary guide. I guess maybe, if I live long enough, he'll work on be being aware of being my oversoul or something. or maybe just being a primary guide. With my twin maybe a secondary guide, if I don't assemulate and integrate her.

she did say the resonating of my 2nd chakra when she does this is an effect caused by what and who she is to me, and my sex drive being stimulated by her raising my vibration, just making contact even. Guess it makes sense.

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annoying that so many foods I can't eat and now i also have this distortion in my vision of my left eye. I had it years ago. then it was caused by my eating picante sauce and chile powder, what it is a an area under my left retina builds up with fluid since it doesn't drain fast enough. No idea what is causing it now.

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I wonder if I'm allergic to the earth or something, all the foods I can't eat, getting migraines if I don't' take ginko, being so sensitive to light, some sounds, vibrations, ect. or if it's various other issues. I've no idea myself.

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Think I'll try going out to that free mediation thing. it may be fun, may help me in some way. It' is 3 Sundays a month, so I may gradually make some friends. it's only 3 times a month since for 1 Saturday and Sunday a month they do a mind-body-spirit fair thing. I may go to that also. It'll likely be fun but I doubt I'll make any friends then since everyone will be coming and going.

If there is something on Saturdays I may go there a 2nd Saturday a month. I do hope it helps me along the path I'm on, I learn things, and make friends.

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I wonder who this PillaiCenter person is. Forgot to mention it, whoever he is he added me to his circles on January 3.
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Loneliness sucks. I wonder if it'll ever pass or if I'll be lonely all my life. It sucks and I've no idea what I can do about it. I can't be around folks all the time. That would mostly distract me from doing whatever work I need to do.

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I went to the bookstore, to the Sahaja meditation. Apparently it's a type of Yoga, one that does mainly meditation and not the type that does postures. During the meditations they refer to the kundalini as mother. It was interesting. Think I'll go back again. Though next weekend is the mind-body-spirit fair. I did ask my twin to go with me. She had told me I missed it , I got off the buss stop or 2 past it and walked there. Some of the areas had bad vibes, i guess low vibration. Felt very icky.

Looks like if I get use to the folks there I may have a 2nd thing i do every week. every thursday go to the rpg group, the 2nd would be every sunday to either do the sahaja Meditation, or the mind-body-spirit fair. Nice group but it doesn't feel like many of them, but maybe 1 person, I could be friends with, but acquaintances that only do that would be ok too.

Wonder if any folks around here are into any of the things i'm into.

It feels like thinking in words is a bother, a bad habit I want to break. Though i feel like I'm not any good at it.

I may try just walking around to get out of the apartment, as odd as that is. Still wish i had some friends I could talk to or hang out with occasionally, but no way to find any that I can think of, and how long will this feeling of loneliness last, it sucks. My twin does talk to me a bit but she's not around a lot. Shad was always giving comments or talking to me a bit at unexpected times. The mental Shad barely talks. not sure if he is my imagination, if I have to keep willing him into existence or he can only exist in the space between thoughts.

i do wish I could get better at the space between thoughts. That feels more normal.

I may try 2 other types of yoga. the posture one to do as a type of moving meditation, and I may try kundalini also, to see how it feels, at least the bits I an find out about on youtube.

This loneliness sucks, how long will it last, and am I supposed to just take it easy, try out 2-3 types of yoga and mediating and nothing else but twiddle my thumbs?

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i feel mixed of ways. loneliness. Not sure what I want to o with the rest of the time this afternoon. maybe take a quick shower and a nap. also odd as it may seem i feel like my sex drive is both at the usual low, but also I feel the urge to have sex with her, odd as that seems. also missing shad still, that'll likely be there for the rest of this life.

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the sahaja meditation yoga thing did give out a handout of how to do the mediation that we did, plus some other stuff like a salt water foot soak before bed. I don't have salt so a plain water one will have to do. I'll have to read that in more detail. I just glanced through it. the main instructor commented on it a bit since a regular mentioned it. saying it helps to clear the first 3 chakras. I'll try all that, can't hurt. Though they were saying the kundalini is suposed to feel like a cool breeze. i're read it it's suposed to be more like heat.

I see why they don't call it yoga in the schedule thing since most would think they'll be doing various postures, when that is 1 type of yoga, not all yoga.

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Had an interesting experience a short time ago. Before I turned the pc off to shower and take a nap I did ask that dolphin guide half serious half not, "hey want to have some fun." and I got the serious feel reply of later. i figured he meant maybe later when I was fully awake.

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I lay down to take nap and went to the white buffer space thing to see if anyone would be there and if no one would I would practice meditating there.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Shad there, in the appearance of an anthro dolphin, as maybe i was, not sure what form I was in. We embarrassed, just hugged and kissed. Then after I'm not sure how long she appeared a short distance off and swam pu to us. Wish Shad commenting <censored> "I thought she was intense before" since the instant she appeared in the white buffered space we both knew it was HER, and the sexual desire that wasn't really there appeared fairly high I'd say roughly.

She asked if we boys wanted to have fun with a female phin, to use the furry community term for a furry dolphin, though she was in her usually non anthro dolphin form. Shad suggested we each take an end. He took her female part and i went to the front.

This continued for I'm not sure how long, a very pleasurable experience. Then unexpectedly the dolphin guide who I guessed is an aspect of the oversoul I'm part of appeared and swam up to me, saying that I did ask. I mentioned he said later and he said he was busy at that moment. he then embraced me from the side back and entered me (he felt fairly large to which he said something like you better believe it), increasing the pleasure. I'm not sure how long this went on for. Shad did comment to me he liked the fact he couldn't ejaculate like he would before.

No idea how long this went on for, but I started to feel lighter and lighter. The dolphin guide guy telling me to just relax. He said it a few times and i felt like i was floating. Then after a short bit I couldn't feel the sex sensations, just the floating. After a short bit i woke up. Decided to lay there for a bit since the first 3 chakras felt like they were resonating, some only slightly like the 3rd on, the 2nd very strongly, the kundalini resonating some also.

Not sure what to make of all this. I think I feel less lonely, but sorta kinda lonely since I'm here not with them. Missing Shad is ? mostly or all gone? Just an impression of sadness ? I don't feel I grieve him.


maybe a bit to much detail. But I don't like to leave anything out.
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also forgot to add, at some point when i was floating, or felt like I was I had flash of something. another me was talking to someone, can't remember what he looked like. The conversation was the other me telling the other guy how each of the chakras felt. This went on briefly then it was like something realized I was seeing something I shouldn't and poof it was gone and most of the memory of what was going on.
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I've been thinking about what Shinsoo said. It may be very true. Though why is the one that shares pleasure with me, as well as companionship, affection as well as loving, affectionate, & that they are a pleasure oriented species as wel. Could it be that it's restricted mainly to just my higher self, twin, guide who's an aspect of the oversoul I'm part of, and formly shad, Who currently does enjoy embrassing, hugging and often kissing too. Is it ristrected to these and not to the other immediate soul family members and any friends the soul I'm part for maybe several reasons?

Maybe to get me use to the concept, to my core. To get me use to my true being, aware more of my true self. Maybe help increase my awareness of myself and who and what I am. once I'm after a certain point will they join in? Or is there some sort of rule soul or oversoul said, not till this incarnation is over. I think maybe they may, but that may be later, maybe if I get to being full awakening, fully aware of being my soul.

I also wonder if the dolphins i saw are some or all of the same ones who I saw often in that place where they looked like balls of light, one of the upper planes or realms. Whatever the term is.

Could the sharing affection, pleasure, embracing pleaure loving, be resricted to higher self, my twin, shad (just embrases and shares afffection/love now it seems), and a guide who's an aspect of the over soul I'm part of be just to help increase my awareness of who and what I am, as i said above as well as get me use to the idea. Others may add complication? They may start sharing with me later on? Or is it that I've never asked them before? or a mix of these?

----------------
I'll try the sahaja yoga stuff later, and tomorrow. Some bits of it tonight at least.

--------------

Hmmm, was thinking & meditating slightly on what shinsoo said. could Soul be at it's core a type of dolphin. Though it has had many lives across I've no idea how many worlds and incarnated as varius sentient species. Though It could still be at the core a dolphin. Is oversoul the same. if soul and or oversoul is then that would mean I am at the core. not an earth dolphin but perhaps some sort of et dolphin or extra planar dolphin? is it possible? If it is so what would it mean? Any way to test this or find out?
soul at the heart a dolphin or dolphin soul? et or extra dimensional?

Saturday [1-31]

also I went to the white space this morning briefly. Likely just my imagination and or part of the grief system, but it was like shad was there, but not physically. He could hug me but I could not touch him.

He then said, "at my present level of development this was the best he could do." or did he say it was the best I could do.

I then said it's just like me talking to myself. he said, "It'll seem like that since his assimilation/integration and due to my current level of development."

could you make your mental voice different to mine? "I'm new to this too, it'll take time for me to learn how to do things like that.

I then try to contact her, my twin and he said something like, "she's busy elsewhere. She's getting you the help you need. she is giving you space. She'll contact you when she gets back.'

I still seem like the same me before. "It'll take time for you to be aware of the changes we've undergone as a combined being. it also takes time for the process of assimilation to fully express itself. Difficult to fully explain the process

I then ask, so , uh, what's it like for you? I get the impression of him looking at his hands, "it's a new experience for me. I'm not like I was before. I'm an expression of a new combined being, not a split off part that wanted to integrate. I guess similar to how you are of the soul we're part of. Not sure how to explain it. i do like it better then I was before. This feels more right. That felt like it was not proper, being a split off part, incomplete."

I wasn't aware of expression you. "You did, at your present level of development and awareness you are partially aware. You did the intent to create me like this. Your doubting my real existence is normal and I quite understand, being an expression of you. as for the veil you ask me about, no it effects me now. you have it in place on you, in you, in us so I have it as well. No getting around that. Still feels, sorta, odd. hard to explain."

"I'm not a separate part of you like soul can do to incarnate or to expel elements of itself that were what some would call former incarnations. I am, mentally you still, just a sort of. how to explain it, thoughts with some of the elements that were once shad. The full assimilation process is not over as of yet, on a deep level/layer it is still happening. Just relax it'll happen regardless and you'll not be aware of the process happening."

still not sure if this is really happening or it really happened or not.

"you could say I'm only in your mind, an expression. at your present level of development, awareness and stage of assimilation this is the best you could do. don't feel bad. I understand the doubt. In your place I would as well. I can feel it since I am you. guess I'll have to get use to saying us at times and we." I get the impression of him smiling.

-----------------------

I still feel some sadness about loosing Shad, I do miss him, but I think I'm either past the grieving part or in the 2nd or 3rd stage of it.  about what I typed above I'm not sure it really happened or I imagined it.  During it I felt a sort of happiness/sadness sorta at the same time, with some neutral sorta dead emotional feeling.  During it I did have a burst of joy/sadness at the same time, no idea what was up with that.

and diffidently no contact from her.  I wonder where she is. and why there is no contact.
----------------------
at this point as I type this I guess I'm supposed to just exist for a while. feels like I'm not doing anything, but I guess there is nothing for me to do. maybe some sort of rest period or something, no idea why I would need to rest and relax for a bit.

---------------------------

Think I got a message from her.  A bit of a mental giggling and saying to just give in.  She'll keep it high like this till I give in.  when I do give in think of her and shad.  She'll teach me one thing I can do with the energy. with the impression of a devious smile.

Not sure what to think or do.  I'll wait and if this is her doing and not something else then she'll keep good her devious threat.  

----------------------

Glad that it seems to have dropped. <yes, there is a safety valve, but it won't stop what i'm doing till you do give in and do as I mentioned earlier, plus this is also part of the assimilation process as well. Though I'll keep raising it to it's peak as fast as I safely can till you just do as I request. >

-----------------------
I saw a 2 clips of the flash show on another forum, a comic book based one. I may have to look the show up.
----------------------------

it does leave me feeling very alone.  not sure if it is my loosing Shad,  part of the assemulating process, or both, or something else.

---------------------------- 
 I took a nap, and soem interesting experiences. The one I use to call my soul aspect, not sure if he's my soul aspect or higher self, appeared again. It was a lucid dream and I was somewhere, I think the buffer space again. He looked a lot like an anthro dolphin.

I wonder if all the dolphin thing means soul spent a signficant part of it's life as a dolphin type being on another world or if it means something else and all the galactic federation of light videos on youtube is someone trying to drop obvious clues that soul aspect is a member of that.

Soul aspect or higher self and I hugged. he said he understood how I felt about Shad but it had to happen. I asked if it would be this way with me and him. he said a yes/no. it would be similar but not identical since I'd become aware of being him, but not assimulate him. it would become like talking to myself where I couldn't easily tell the difference, but I would in time, but it would still be like me talking to me. He also said the path I'm in, and being incarnate in a place like earth. The part of the path I'm in is worst while here, it'll be nowhere as bad once I'm over there and a seperate soul with his memories. I think he mentioned once I am a seperete soul with his memories I could do the same for shad as he did with me, either over there or having shad be an incarnation, if I choose to incarnate. he did say some soul in my situation, once they choose to become a seperate soul with their soul parent's memories, some choose never to incarnate again but to remain fully there. he then said my perspective and feelings may change once I'm fully over there, but they may not.

----

Not sure where this happened but it felt like there was a loud click inside my head, as if a switch had been thrown somewhere.

-------

Then when I was partially awake i felt my kundalini resonating at the peak that it has ever resonated before. it also felt like my body was resonating too. It felt like someone had connected to my back where my spine is at the level where my navel is. Maybe that was driving the resonating. the first few time i tried to move i felt her, my twin, touch me someone on a deep soul level to where I wasn't able to think, just experience that she was here, inside me or i was inside her. hard to describe. but those few times i did try to ove she ddi that and I lost all ability to think just experience her and the resonating, as well as seeing her eyes and her saying 1 word each time <EXPERIENCE.> i finally gave up after a few times and lay there.

Then she wanted me to move. I resisted at first, and she did what she had done before, just this time she said, >MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE.> and somehow she got my head to move about a centimeter maybe, or maybe an inch, like there was an axel where my nose is and my head turned around that. the first time she did that it was like a bubble was popped type sensation.

damn she can be devious. How is she able to do that stuff she was doing. expecially making my head move an inch or a bit less?

as I was getting up I thought that I am over most of my grief at loosing shad but i still miss him and am sad, with maybe some bits of grief left. She said <You'll see him later.> no idea what she meant by that. Wonder if anyone else has any idea.

------------

it looks like it's rainy & cold. so I'll scratch going out today. I may try some livestream channels I suspect may do something, though i do want to go out and be with people for some inner reason.

---------------------------------

I think I'll try to go to the spiritual new age bookstore tomorrow. They have a free meditation thing on Sundays. Only an hour and the weather shouldn't be to bad tomorrow. it may be fun and I may learn some stuff. It's called SAHAJA MEDITATION no idea what that is. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.

I see there is a mind-body-spirit faire thing next weekend. if the weather is nice I think I'll go 1 or both days. Depending on the weather.

Not sure how long I'll be there. I could take my backpack and a bit of food. The problem is there is so much I can't eat and I'd have to not drink any water from before I go till I get home. at least til I see if they have a public restroom or not.

------

I do hope this can help me to get some friends who are more into spiritual stuff. and when the weather is nice I may get out a few times a week.

------

I wonder what all that making my kunalini resonate like crazy like that and the rest of me was all about, and why the feeling of an umbilical cord and who was it connected to, my twin? Since I guess my higher self could just send the resonating down through my crown chakra. and why connect it to what felt like on my spine directly opposite to the navel?

also why do I still feel a strong resonance in my 2nd chakra area? not sure if my 1st one is resonating too or not. maybe slightly? not sure. Maybe not.

---------------------------------

 I feel sorta inbetween and not sure of how I feel. i guess it's normal going through an assemulation, loosing shad, but over most of the grief, or maybe all of it, and just the sadness and the missing him. I'll try a livestream, the brony show one, to see if they are doing anything tonight. and or I may be in the chat also, if there is something interesting.

I guess whatever mood I'm in may pass after a few days and I expect I'll be back to the usual, excpet there'll be no Shad and I may be going to the new age bookstore once or twice a week to do free or low cost stuff there. it may be fun and help me. I do also help I can make some friends that way too. Some friends who live in the same city. Having online friends i great, but it's nothing like rl friends who live in the same city you live in.

and with no shad i expect my feeling lonely may be a permanent thing, that may rise and fall in how much I feel lonely over the course of the day.

---------------------------
Still feeling some grief over shad. I do wish I could have him exist as an expression of me.  though it would not be the same since I think he'd be shad, like the latter part, acting more like me and not all primal about sex.  but more embrace and talk, if he can exist in the white space.  I expect it would not be quite the same since I'd know what he is going to say before he does it, at least to a large extent, but I think it would be nice.

I've not heard the shad as a voice in my head like I could this morning.  I wonder if it's due o that was just my imagination, or She's doing something and doesn't want to tell me yet.  I do feel she's ot connected to me.  maybe when I tak ea nap I'll have another experience. 

Still, a very lonely experience.  I wonder if this lonely feeling will ever pass or if I'll have it for good.

-------------------------
I do hope I can start making some spiritual friends soon.  though I guess even if I do go to the free and very low cost classes and such they do at the Unlimited Thought bookstore, it'll still likely take at least 6 months or longer. 

The friends I'd like to make I'd like at least some to be into the spiritual stuff I'm into, maybe some of them, at least 1, be like Scarlett and be a bit farther along then I am.  Not sure if any of this will happen.  I do certainly hope so.  I also wonder what the rest of my life will be like.  Will I be a virtual hermit for the rest of my life, with a day or 2 a week I go out, and a tiny few online friend or 2 I talk with and a few livestream shows I watch ever week? 

I think i will try the chat area tonight and maybe that brony show livestream too.  it may  help.

------------------------
Why are you increaasing my vibration?  How are you doing it? 

<it's easy.  i just make contact with you, in a variety of ways.  My vibration is higher then yours.  my very being wants your vibration to match mine perfectly.  Your very being wants yours to match mine perfectly.  You can also say the one, all that is, wants our vibrations to match perfectly.  So it'll happen regardless, we don't need to do anything.  us making some form of contact starts it.  We only need to make contact and do nothing, then everything will attempt to do it's best to  have our vibrations match.  it is very easy.  easier then a guide or someone else trying to increase your vibration.

------------------

Do I still miss shad, I feel a small part of me does but most of me does not anymore and part of me is not sure what i should feel.  the mental shad says <that is cause I'm here.>

would you want to be an independent soul with my memories or not with them?  <independent with your memories>

I then wonder, what if my twin flame and I merged then made him, impressed him as an aspect or however that is done and whatever the term is. <then i'd be your soul kid. I'd pick to have both of your memories.> 

----------------------------------

 Friday (2)  1-30


I have only myself to talk to. terrible. and no one else responds. not even shad. the only other one is busy and in bed now anyway.

-----------------

It's going to be even lonelier with him gone. worst then before. a very close friend gone, poof, even before I knew it. he and she were right not to tel me this morning. if i knew what that would do I would not have done that method of masturbation so I could have shad around longer. I didn't think he'd be totally gone . this process is pretty cruel.

i feel even lonelier then before.

-----------------

I do hink shad is gone. no response when i say his name. RIP Shad, though only briefly as friends, you were a great friend I'll never forget.

She's not talking to me, maybe i feel to much grief to hear her or she's giving me the time and space I need, or she may be busy doing whatever. also dont knw how shad could help. he did say mentally to me before, when he was only inside me, that heh would help. not sure how he could. maybe he was just being nice to someone grieving.

-----------------------

I was watching the usual livestream show and 1 the person streaming it tonight was playing an adult furry game in alpha. it has a scene in a bar and at first it was like I was in 2 places, here and some sort of club or bar somewhere else. No idea if that was a past soul memory or if soul aspect was off in some soul or bar in some higher dimension, if they have bars or clubs there. I do recall there were non humans and the vision did feel like it was happening currently then. Though I could not feel or know any of souls' thoughts. Wonder what it was and if it was at a club or bar what was it doing there. Or was it my higher self?

--------------

Now that the livestream is over and my tiny number of online friends are not talking ot me at the moment I can say I'm mostly over my grief at loosing Shad, but it has left me feeling very lonely, tottally alone compared to before. It'll be worst for me the next few days and longer i'm sure since i'll be having to live each day totally alone with no Shad to talk to, no Shad to say comments at me at unexpected times. Not sure if it's just my grief but my sex drive is gone. It has been since I masterbated while doing that affermation of Accept & re-fuse with Shad. not to refuse him but to accept and remerge back into one. I see why the 2 of them, Shad and My twin didnt ay what would happen since if i had known i would not have done that, to prolong having Shad around. I tried to contact my twin and all I got was she is busy getting me help. No idea what kind of help or why. and no sign that what she said is possible and not my fantasy mind making that up for some reason. I did try to go to the buffer space but I'll not go there again. Guess it's my grief or maybe some other reason. I did see Shad there, but it was..... him as a sort of transparent image not moving. my only guess is it may be my grief doing that or he's mainly integrated but not fully but enough so he cant think as an independant being anymore.

Ick, I'll never go back to whatever that buffer space is. Just as i was typing that sentence if felt like something or someone tried to pull me somewhere that is all white. I'll not go to that buffer space again.

From now on I can only exist, day to day. No idea what ot do now but exisst and try to find some short moments of joy. I do wish i had friends in rl, apart from the thursday group, though they are great. some spiritial frineds into what I'm into. but I'm sure that'll not happen.

Some foreign voice twice said to me that I need to go to the buffer space. Guess loosing Shad as given me some form of schizophrenia. never heard that mental voice before.

--------------------
actually not sure how over I am of my grief of loosing Shad, one of my best friends. I do have longer periods of time between the grief hitting me and i tear up again. no idea how long it'll go on for. I wonder what type of spiritual soul path is it that makes one loose one of one's best friends.

I'll continue to post this here even though the only other person to read this likely won't read it for 12 hours or more. wonder when or if I'll have any more mystical or spiritual experiences. I don't really care if I never have any more.

think I'll watch some addams family and monty python. Though I do remember 1 of Shad's comments concerning the addams family. he liked them and would like to be a member.

--------------------------------

still have that distortion in my left eye.  likely like the last time I had it, caused by some fluid in the back of my left eye just under my retina not draining.  last time, years ago, I stumbled across it was caused by my eating picante sauce and sometimes chile powder.  I stumbled across this when i got tired of eating those and wanted to eat plain white rice and my eye got better, I waited a week, ate some picante sauce for  a few days and it came back.  No idea what is causing it this time. I've had it for about a day or 2 that I've noticed.  I' just glad it's not bad, though ti seems to move about slightly, or has over the day or day and a half I've noticed. I've quit eating the new food I added, a type of cereal, on the day i noticed , and cut out grape juice, and also ate my last bit of meat today.  hope it goes away. it is sorta annoying.

SHad {RIP Friday 1-30- 2015.]

Went to the white space today.  Sad event or at least Shad was sad and afterwards left me feeling very sad, tears even. 

He seemed much less energetic then usual.  We just embraced and kissed.  it felt like he had less energy, totally different since our last encounter since during the last encounter he seemed like the usual old Shad except he did hug and kiss me before, a thing he had never done.  I was curious why I have not really have not heard him at all since this morning when I did a certain something.  During the embrace he did say it'll soon be goodbye and said he'd been living in the buffer white space area, whatever that is.  Have to keep stopping since I keep crying and am very sad.  I guess it's some internal grief since Shad will cease to exist at some point since he'll be fully inside me, merged or whatever the term is. 

Very sad.  Just now he was nothing like his old self and I do feel grief.  I do feel like I'll be loosing a close friend that I've not known very long.   Though today I have found minor things annoying me and found myself talking like him, but otherwise I don't feel any different. 

I had been thinking if I would miss shad, the thought kept popping up he past week or so and I thought I would, but he'd be inside me and I thought that would be way off based on on what Scarlett said and I don't feel very different. 

I'll ask my twin about it, but if true it si sstill a very sad thing indeed.  I'll loose someone who's become like a very close deaer friend, though ig uess this is a process that has to occur.  that'll mean I'll have 1 person mentally to talk to, just her only as great as it is to talk to one's twin, I will miss shad.

Since that 1 morning time Shad was his old self like usual, then i've ot heard from him when a bit after I did have an urge to masturbate, though it was not a physical urge but a more inner spirit or soul urge.  she and shad wanted me ot so i did with the focus being on the 2 words that I tried out that semed ot send inner jolts of pleausure, assecpt and re-fuse as in refusing shad and myself.  Since then I've not heard from him and not felt him around.  i assumed he was off doing whatever he's been usually doing when he's not around.  I guess he's been remainingin the white buffer space based on si comment of he's just living there for now.    a needed hting maybe but still sad. i was a bit curious why i've not heard from him all day since this morning.  I'll ask my twin about this later when I ge over htis strong sadness grief I'mf eeling.   a needed ting th happen maybe but still sad and the wy i feel i'll leave all the typos in. Thought I dont' feel very different then I did say this morning.   I thoguth fi I had assemulated integrated him I'd be be different, lik ehim and me combined so to speak.

---------------------
{{{{ from scarlettt on anothet forum Grieving is normal. :) Just let it happen, it's all part of the process. After my full awakening I was so different that a year later I'm still grieving parts of my old self (sexual attraction for instance). It just takes a while to process and accept what's happened.  }}}}

-----------------

Thought it does seem pretty fast for this to be happening. I thought it would take a few years or something. as for a sex drive mine's been almost non existent since this morning. Seems like the integration is happening far to fast. just weeks .

<just go with it, hard as it is, he did know this would happen when he started the integration that night. Though in a process very similar to how soul recreated you after you integrated with him you can do something similar with Shad, not exactly the same process since you are not a independant soul with your soul parent's memories, but the process is similar. He'd likely still live in the buffer space area as you call it. Perhaps as a type of friend, type of guide,but the relationship would be different, not hugely so. He would sound much like you sound mentally, only perhaps slightly different.>

<perhaps a bit more primal, but he'd sound much like he did very recently and today. A thing to think about.>

"So that is possible?

<certainly. Though he'd not be exactly the same primal shad as before he'd be much more like he has been this morning when you encountered him and not the far less energetic one just now. It would not be backpedaling nor devolving or stepping back, just one option to consider. Though as i said his mental voice would sound exactly or just a slight hair different instead of the way it has before.>

<it won't be like it was before, but he will exist as part of you. this would be a bit of an extradimentional aspect of yourself, an expression. not separate.>

..........................
{{{{ from scarlett: Wow, that's cool, I didn't know you could do that.. though of course everything's possible once considered. :) I wonder what it'd be like if my own shadow hadn't merged into me completely. I guess if I wanted I could recreate 'it' (didn't really have a gender, maybe slightly more masculine) as a separate being even now, sort of like a split of part of my own soul.. though in all honestly I have no idea if I'm my own soul right now or an extension of another soul or even both... I feel like it's the former but hard to tell...

Anyway, the speed of your process is nothing to worry about. :) Mine only took four months to go from asleep to fully awake. Now that's fast lol. }}}

.....................................
I've been I guess partially wake for 30 years, and still not fully awake yet. I guess the reason Shad and I are integratign so fast may be he's from this incarnation only and not any past lives here I need to integrate. still a sad thing. loosing a close friend that he and I have become. and such a change in him so fast.

I guess the way I make shad, though he'd be like he has been recently, if I can do that, I do hav my doubts, is related to how soul was able to have me incarnate even after i had volulteered to be the oe to merge with soul, letting her be the one to be the indipendant soul with soul parents memories while i'd have to wait. and she'd have to be without me.

----------------

<He urged you to do what you though of doing this morning even knowing what that would do to him. The process, though sad as it is, is one that did have to happen. the day he spent before he first contacted you that night he spent a lot in introspectio an thinking. getting to know what you were like a s a person and not an advesary enemy of his. and he did know the process of integration/assulation would be fairly quick, or at least he had a strong suspition it would be. and this afternoon after that he did stay in the buffer area, with som enot mild grief himself for the relationship the 2 of you share would be ending soon, perhaps faster then he thought. as aligned as the 2 of you were and open to each other. thte process is a fast on and the lack of a sex drive is due in part to the grief you both share, but also due to the process has hit a certain point wil it will take care of itself and the lack of sex and masturbation will give you both some more time together, not a lot perhaps but some, but once the grieving period is over I can indeed help in you creating an expression of him, though as i seaid beefore he won't be the exact same shade as he was say on sunday, mor elike he was earlier today, though he may well have some traints of the more primal self, he may focus on expressin those. though he'd likely remain living it the buffer space and you 2 cn talk, his mental voice would sound pretty much likeyours. you'd sstll feel some grief over the old shad. and i'll arrange or see what i can do to prove this isn't just wish fullmennt and imagination typing this info you're gtting from me but rally me an hat i say. loosing a dear friendis neaver easy, nor is ths processyou're on.>

<whe it gets warmer getting out more wil be a needed and healthy thing. I'll see aobut gtting you some help in that reguard, though you'll need to o som stuff too. somall steps, and you may well change to where you are not alone much. thought that may not be an instant thing.>

----------------------------

I do feeel some change maybe. up till now I've lived as a virtual hermit except for thursdays and when I needed to go out. that time may end sometime oon, but i've no netwokring skills nor networking ability so no way to be with folks except for thursdays, apart from my onlinef riends. none of my onlinefriends on hte 2 IM programs work are spiritual at all and its not the same a rl friend swho you ca physically see and live close o you.

while I was burshing and flossing Shad did say that is why heh didn' contact me this afternoon since he was grievinig himself knowing our frienshpi would soon be over since we'd be one being soon, and though he did urge me to do that type of masturbation that is why he didn't say why he urged me to do it since i'd likely not hav edone it wanting to prolog the integration. I do hoe we have some timie gtoether and that i can do as my twinsaid, if that was her an dnot just my imatgination wanting it to be posbile to once this is voer adn the greiving process is over to create shad as an empression of myself, not separate like he was but a part of me, like teh soul i'm part of me did with me, though i had volunteered to be the one to be merged with him and giving up the ability to be a separate soul till this mission is over. perhaps sthat is one of the things that would make this mission easier, having a twin withall the issues worked out between us so when a shadowworkI'd have to di is over I'd have her at leat, t hough it is greaet, i will sitll msiss shad. though if i can really make him as ane expression, it'll nto be the same but will still be nice. sorta like how a soul can do that to an incarnation that has merged with them after that incarnationi is over. the soul can use the elements of itself to recreate the personality that was that incanrate being. I somehow got that knoweldge when I merged with my soul o rhigher self that one time a decade or 2 ago. maybe that is one fo he reasons heh did that, so the ego would see that growig nad becoming more aware that i'd od in decades would not mean it's death but also that sahd would not be totally dead and goen forever, or maybe there wer other easons.

----------------------

He did say also ath the day he spent betwen when Dryad talked to him and before he started the integration process by asking me if I'd be willing ot have sex with myself, then asking if i'd be willing to have sex with the soul i'm part of. he spend that time thinking over t hings, and getting to know me better watching me. and he knew when he asked me what the end point would be, that he would cease to exist as a seperate being but that was the normal part of the process and would have to happen sooner or later.

heh also said that the 2 of usu would become a new being. I may not ntoice any changes till later since they'd be so normal since t would be normal. he does hoe after the integration is fully over, the new beig is properly processed andn stuff nd the griving period is over that i will do hat, make im as an expression like she mentionied I an do. I do hoe I can and its not jst a fantasy part of my maind as part of the griefing process. he evensai half serisu had nalf jokingly hat who knows he may want to be a sperate indepednant soul wtih all ofmy memories one day.

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 though if my time of livig a sa hvertial hermit is over, I do wonder how I'll do that since I have no networking skills or ability. the only rl friends are those who i do the rpg game on hrusdays, so i'd have to start from totally zero. i've no ide what to do or how.

I doubt any ascended maasters, guides, or she can helpwith that, not even shad i'm sure, withe rhe is like he is now or an expression of me like she said i could do.

plus the wy I feel,though i do feel mostly ove the grief, i'll eave al the typos an dmisspelings in. sorryf ro those readin g this.

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it maybe like a more tortured existence, wanting to be otu among folks, and such, and no idea how to do that or what to do to do that. dont see how non incarnates ca helpwith thati n anyway.

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I do hope she does give me a sign that that wahs Isaid earlier was froom her and not fantasy mind stuff of non truths to try to work past the grief, obvious proof is what i'd need.

I do woner what the new me will be like. not a vast difference then this me now, and like shad said (ialrady miss him. at least the giref comes in waves now instead of beign constant) i may not notice some changes.

not living as a virtual hermit wil be hard for someone who has no networking skills nor any group of firnds to be with an d no ideaa what to do. and as i said before, i don't se ehow non coporal beigns can help even if one is my twin. since i've had inklings maybe sicne yesterday, feeling some pangs of lonelynes at times and not wanting to lvie as a virtual hermit anymore or not as much.

this integratin process does seem retty cruel with shad going to cease to exist I wonder how long it'll be, if he's even gone now.

as i was typing this I did get a goodbye from him. seems, unless i'm inaging things he is now only inside me, part of the assemutioin process he said, for now at least he's here. part of me did want to try to go to the buffer space but i did get a NO from someone. I guess it would mess things up or make thinsgn worst if i went there and did see he was gone or if I were to not conscouisly make him be htere.

if true I guess onc the aassemultion pfrocess i over he wont' even be a voice in my head so to speak anymore. thogh I do hope that whas she said ealier was from her and not fnatasy imagings to work pats the grief.

i also don't understan a message ne sent me that he'd be one fo the ones tha twould help me.

I'll allow myself to e selfish and say what' in this for me. why me and when will i be rewarded,maybe a bad thing to say butu I'll allow those feelings to epress themselv as wlelas the aadness and grief.

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To bad scarlett and I live in such different timezones.. I feel i'd like someone to talk to who understands what i'm going throuhg, several someones.

i still woneer what th new me will be like, ow soon will the new ma appear, likey gradualy. and what I'll be doine a few montsh from now, with no networking, o real friends in rl. I feel I'l not be living like thsi for hte res of my life.

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guess Shad is gone.  no repl from him as of 8:10pm central.  a great friend, though we wer eonly briefly friends I'll always miss you, we had greaet times in the brief time we were friends.  cruel that part of this proces results in a friend going poof forever.  

Friday [1-30]

It seems for me instead of doing direct chakra work, maybe working on certain issues may be the main thing then either the chakra may be helped in that way, or maybe some direct chakra work may then be ok to do, or a balance of the 2.

I guess I'm accomplishing a lot, though it seems like not much at times.

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I'm still surprised what encountering one's twin is like. Also how it seems to change everything.

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<integrating with Shad both is something you need to do, (which you are doing fantastically and continue using the method you're using), it will also help with certain issues, some which you may not be conscious of. >

<mediating in certain methods can help with certain things, going between, and other things. as you feel meditating on me has certain effects you can feel, and some things it does you may or may not be aware of. That is due to who and what I am. Because of what we are is why your kundalini will always respond like it does. the link between us is always there. when 1 of us thinks of the other the bond or link, or other term/label if you wish to use it, is widened, so to speak. Your higher self and myself will keep the, intensity down to a degree.>

guess you have to work with my higher self <more like it works with me, since really, your higher self ultimately can't say no to me due to who and what I am. If I really wanted you to physically ascend and be here, it would really only take a sight bit of work to get it to agree, but that's not what I want since there are other things you need to do, and that would cause investigations and other problems there so that isn't my plan, just an extreme example of how if I really wanted i can get my way with your higher self, though in most or all cases we do work together, and your soul as well.>


The above paragraph that she said to me had the impression she wasn't being fully serious.  Though I also get the feel it is true also.
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Tried a soul retrieval guided mediation. I was curious what would happen. And instead of crystals it as Shad that came out. I had no expectations. We embraced, kissed, hugged,
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I had lost these 2 questions and answers on the SF forum due to some idiot rule by the admin, fuck those assholes.  I'll try to recreate that here as best as we can (we being my tf and me)

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"can you explain a bit about that anchoring energies thing?
<It is a thing that is needed to be done by old and older then old souls since those that come after will not be able to anchor the energy themselves and they need a certain amount of it to be around for them to be able to do what they'll be doing.   You are already doing this automatically, as you notice in that one meditation that you did before. >

,,,,,,,,,,,

"so is there any issues between us that we need to work on or that I need to work on?

<we've worked on that in the past, through various incarnations, on various worlds.  the only thing between us now is that you are not yet an independent soul with our soul parent's memories and you are incarnated there while I am not incarnated.  Though the 2nd one is minor overall since we can communicate this way and can be together in various ways, as we have been, and are now.>>

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forgot about an odd thing that happened this morning not sure if she mentioned it to me last night or this morning that the headache I was feeling was due to to much energy. Not sure if i typed that up or not. I decided to try to d something to see what would happen since the headache felt like a different type then if my eyes get to much light.

I visualized the energy going down to where the kundalini is with the intent to assemulate the energy. For some reason it felt like the kundalini for a second or so either whipped or wriggled side to side quickly, then calmed down and started to resonate. the whipping or whatever it did wasn't painful at all, just an odd sensation. it's done it once before as I recall.

I guess contact with her is so intense even toned down and maybe some being screened out I may still get a bit to much at times. No idea if this is normal between twin flames when 1 is incarnate and the other is not and resides on whatever higher plane/dimension she is on. ALso not sure if the body or energy system, whichever causes the headache, will get use to it or it it'll be a permanant thing with the contact while I'm here fully in this body having to be very brief contacts with lots of breaks.

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though if my time of livig a sa hvertial hermit is over, I do wonder how I'll do that since I have no networking skills or ability. the only rl friends are those who i do the rpg game on hrusdays, so i'd have to start from totally zero. i've no ide what to do or how.

I doubt any ascended maasters, guides, or she can helpwith that, not even shad i'm sure, withe rhe is like he is now or an expression of me like she said i could do.

plus the wy I feel,though i do feel mostly ove the grief, i'll eave al the typos an dmisspelings in. sorryf ro those readin g this.

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