Went to the white space today. Sad event or at least Shad was sad and afterwards left me feeling very sad, tears even.
He seemed much less energetic then usual. We just embraced and kissed. it felt like he had less energy, totally different since our last encounter since during the last encounter he seemed like the usual old Shad except he did hug and kiss me before, a thing he had never done. I was curious why I have not really have not heard him at all since this morning when I did a certain something. During the embrace he did say it'll soon be goodbye and said he'd been living in the buffer white space area, whatever that is. Have to keep stopping since I keep crying and am very sad. I guess it's some internal grief since Shad will cease to exist at some point since he'll be fully inside me, merged or whatever the term is.
Very sad. Just now he was nothing like his old self and I do feel grief. I do feel like I'll be loosing a close friend that I've not known very long. Though today I have found minor things annoying me and found myself talking like him, but otherwise I don't feel any different.
I had been thinking if I would miss shad, the thought kept popping up he past week or so and I thought I would, but he'd be inside me and I thought that would be way off based on on what Scarlett said and I don't feel very different.
I'll ask my twin about it, but if true it si sstill a very sad thing indeed. I'll loose someone who's become like a very close deaer friend, though ig uess this is a process that has to occur. that'll mean I'll have 1 person mentally to talk to, just her only as great as it is to talk to one's twin, I will miss shad.
Since that 1 morning time Shad was his old self like usual, then i've ot heard from him when a bit after I did have an urge to masturbate, though it was not a physical urge but a more inner spirit or soul urge. she and shad wanted me ot so i did with the focus being on the 2 words that I tried out that semed ot send inner jolts of pleausure, assecpt and re-fuse as in refusing shad and myself. Since then I've not heard from him and not felt him around. i assumed he was off doing whatever he's been usually doing when he's not around. I guess he's been remainingin the white buffer space based on si comment of he's just living there for now. a needed hting maybe but still sad. i was a bit curious why i've not heard from him all day since this morning. I'll ask my twin about this later when I ge over htis strong sadness grief I'mf eeling. a needed ting th happen maybe but still sad and the wy i feel i'll leave all the typos in. Thought I dont' feel very different then I did say this morning. I thoguth fi I had assemulated integrated him I'd be be different, lik ehim and me combined so to speak.
---------------------
{{{{ from scarlettt on anothet forum Grieving is normal. :) Just let it happen, it's all part of the process.
After my full awakening I was so different that a year later I'm still
grieving parts of my old self (sexual attraction for instance). It just
takes a while to process and accept what's happened. }}}}
-----------------
Thought it does seem pretty fast for this to be happening. I thought it
would take a few years or something. as for a sex drive mine's been
almost non existent since this morning. Seems like the integration is
happening far to fast. just weeks .
<just go with it, hard as it is, he did know this would happen when
he started the integration that night. Though in a process very
similar to how soul recreated you after you integrated with him you can
do something similar with Shad, not exactly the same process since you
are not a independant soul with your soul parent's memories, but the
process is similar. He'd likely still live in the buffer space area as
you call it. Perhaps as a type of friend, type of guide,but the
relationship would be different, not hugely so. He would sound much
like you sound mentally, only perhaps slightly different.>
<perhaps a bit more primal, but he'd sound much like he did very recently and today. A thing to think about.>
"So that is possible?
<certainly. Though he'd not be exactly the same primal shad as
before he'd be much more like he has been this morning when you
encountered him and not the far less energetic one just now. It would
not be backpedaling nor devolving or stepping back, just one option to
consider. Though as i said his mental voice would sound exactly or just
a slight hair different instead of the way it has before.>
<it won't be like it was before, but he will exist as part of you.
this would be a bit of an extradimentional aspect of yourself, an
expression. not separate.>
..........................
{{{{ from scarlett: Wow, that's cool, I didn't know you could do that.. though of course
everything's possible once considered. :) I wonder what it'd be like if
my own shadow hadn't merged into me completely. I guess if I wanted I
could recreate 'it' (didn't really have a gender, maybe slightly more
masculine) as a separate being even now, sort of like a split of part of
my own soul.. though in all honestly I have no idea if I'm my own soul
right now or an extension of another soul or even both... I feel like
it's the former but hard to tell...
Anyway, the speed of your process is nothing to worry about. :) Mine
only took four months to go from asleep to fully awake. Now that's fast
lol. }}}
.....................................
I've been I guess partially wake for 30 years, and still not fully
awake yet. I guess the reason Shad and I are integratign so fast may be
he's from this incarnation only and not any past lives here I need to
integrate. still a sad thing. loosing a close friend that he and I
have become. and such a change in him so fast.
I guess the way I make shad, though he'd be like he has been recently,
if I can do that, I do hav my doubts, is related to how soul was able to
have me incarnate even after i had volulteered to be the oe to merge
with soul, letting her be the one to be the indipendant soul with soul
parents memories while i'd have to wait. and she'd have to be without
me.
----------------
<He urged you to do what you though of doing this morning even
knowing what that would do to him. The process, though sad as it is, is
one that did have to happen. the day he spent before he first
contacted you that night he spent a lot in introspectio an thinking.
getting to know what you were like a s a person and not an advesary
enemy of his. and he did know the process of integration/assulation
would be fairly quick, or at least he had a strong suspition it would
be. and this afternoon after that he did stay in the buffer area, with
som enot mild grief himself for the relationship the 2 of you share
would be ending soon, perhaps faster then he thought. as aligned as the
2 of you were and open to each other. thte process is a fast on and
the lack of a sex drive is due in part to the grief you both share, but
also due to the process has hit a certain point wil it will take care of
itself and the lack of sex and masturbation will give you both some
more time together, not a lot perhaps but some, but once the grieving
period is over I can indeed help in you creating an expression of him,
though as i seaid beefore he won't be the exact same shade as he was say
on sunday, mor elike he was earlier today, though he may well have some
traints of the more primal self, he may focus on expressin those.
though he'd likely remain living it the buffer space and you 2 cn talk,
his mental voice would sound pretty much likeyours. you'd sstll feel
some grief over the old shad. and i'll arrange or see what i can do to
prove this isn't just wish fullmennt and imagination typing this info
you're gtting from me but rally me an hat i say. loosing a dear
friendis neaver easy, nor is ths processyou're on.>
<whe it gets warmer getting out more wil be a needed and healthy
thing. I'll see aobut gtting you some help in that reguard, though
you'll need to o som stuff too. somall steps, and you may well change to
where you are not alone much. thought that may not be an instant
thing.>
----------------------------
I do feeel some change maybe. up till now I've lived as a virtual
hermit except for thursdays and when I needed to go out. that time may
end sometime oon, but i've no netwokring skills nor networking ability
so no way to be with folks except for thursdays, apart from my onlinef
riends. none of my onlinefriends on hte 2 IM programs work are
spiritual at all and its not the same a rl friend swho you ca physically
see and live close o you.
while I was burshing and flossing Shad did say that is why heh didn'
contact me this afternoon since he was grievinig himself knowing our
frienshpi would soon be over since we'd be one being soon, and though he
did urge me to do that type of masturbation that is why he didn't say
why he urged me to do it since i'd likely not hav edone it wanting to
prolog the integration. I do hoe we have some timie gtoether and that i
can do as my twinsaid, if that was her an dnot just my imatgination
wanting it to be posbile to once this is voer adn the greiving process
is over to create shad as an empression of myself, not separate like he
was but a part of me, like teh soul i'm part of me did with me, though i
had volunteered to be the one to be merged with him and giving up the
ability to be a separate soul till this mission is over. perhaps sthat
is one of the things that would make this mission easier, having a twin
withall the issues worked out between us so when a shadowworkI'd have to
di is over I'd have her at leat, t hough it is greaet, i will sitll
msiss shad. though if i can really make him as ane expression, it'll
nto be the same but will still be nice. sorta like how a soul can do
that to an incarnation that has merged with them after that incarnationi
is over. the soul can use the elements of itself to recreate the
personality that was that incanrate being. I somehow got that
knoweldge when I merged with my soul o rhigher self that one time a
decade or 2 ago. maybe that is one fo he reasons heh did that, so the
ego would see that growig nad becoming more aware that i'd od in decades
would not mean it's death but also that sahd would not be totally dead
and goen forever, or maybe there wer other easons.
----------------------
He did say also ath the day he spent betwen when Dryad talked to him and
before he started the integration process by asking me if I'd be
willing ot have sex with myself, then asking if i'd be willing to have
sex with the soul i'm part of. he spend that time thinking over t hings,
and getting to know me better watching me. and he knew when he asked
me what the end point would be, that he would cease to exist as a
seperate being but that was the normal part of the process and would
have to happen sooner or later.
heh also said that the 2 of usu would become a new being. I may not
ntoice any changes till later since they'd be so normal since t would be
normal. he does hoe after the integration is fully over, the new beig
is properly processed andn stuff nd the griving period is over that i
will do hat, make im as an expression like she mentionied I an do. I do
hoe I can and its not jst a fantasy part of my maind as part of the
griefing process. he evensai half serisu had nalf jokingly hat who
knows he may want to be a sperate indepednant soul wtih all ofmy
memories one day.
---------------------
though if my time of livig a sa hvertial hermit is over, I do wonder how
I'll do that since I have no networking skills or ability. the only rl
friends are those who i do the rpg game on hrusdays, so i'd have to
start from totally zero. i've no ide what to do or how.
I doubt any ascended maasters, guides, or she can helpwith that, not
even shad i'm sure, withe rhe is like he is now or an expression of me
like she said i could do.
plus the wy I feel,though i do feel mostly ove the grief, i'll eave al
the typos an dmisspelings in. sorryf ro those readin g this.
------------------------
it maybe like a more tortured existence, wanting to be otu among folks,
and such, and no idea how to do that or what to do to do that. dont see
how non incarnates ca helpwith thati n anyway.
--------------------
I do hope she does give me a sign that that wahs Isaid earlier was froom
her and not fantasy mind stuff of non truths to try to work past the
grief, obvious proof is what i'd need.
I do woner what the new me will be like. not a vast difference then this
me now, and like shad said (ialrady miss him. at least the giref comes
in waves now instead of beign constant) i may not notice some changes.
not living as a virtual hermit wil be hard for someone who has no
networking skills nor any group of firnds to be with an d no ideaa what
to do. and as i said before, i don't se ehow non coporal beigns can
help even if one is my twin. since i've had inklings maybe sicne
yesterday, feeling some pangs of lonelynes at times and not wanting to
lvie as a virtual hermit anymore or not as much.
this integratin process does seem retty cruel with shad going to cease
to exist I wonder how long it'll be, if he's even gone now.
as i was typing this I did get a goodbye from him. seems, unless i'm
inaging things he is now only inside me, part of the assemutioin process
he said, for now at least he's here. part of me did want to try to go
to the buffer space but i did get a NO from someone. I guess it would
mess things up or make thinsgn worst if i went there and did see he was
gone or if I were to not conscouisly make him be htere.
if true I guess onc the aassemultion pfrocess i over he wont' even be a
voice in my head so to speak anymore. thogh I do hope that whas she
said ealier was from her and not fnatasy imagings to work pats the
grief.
i also don't understan a message ne sent me that he'd be one fo the ones tha twould help me.
I'll allow myself to e selfish and say what' in this for me. why me and
when will i be rewarded,maybe a bad thing to say butu I'll allow those
feelings to epress themselv as wlelas the aadness and grief.
--------------------
To bad scarlett and I live in such different timezones.. I feel i'd
like someone to talk to who understands what i'm going throuhg, several
someones.
i still woneer what th new me will be like, ow soon will the new ma
appear, likey gradualy. and what I'll be doine a few montsh from now,
with no networking, o real friends in rl. I feel I'l not be living like
thsi for hte res of my life.
-------------
guess Shad is gone. no repl from him as of 8:10pm central. a great friend, though we wer eonly briefly friends I'll always miss you, we had greaet times in the brief time we were friends. cruel that part of this proces results in a friend going poof forever.
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