Saturday [1-31]

also I went to the white space this morning briefly. Likely just my imagination and or part of the grief system, but it was like shad was there, but not physically. He could hug me but I could not touch him.

He then said, "at my present level of development this was the best he could do." or did he say it was the best I could do.

I then said it's just like me talking to myself. he said, "It'll seem like that since his assimilation/integration and due to my current level of development."

could you make your mental voice different to mine? "I'm new to this too, it'll take time for me to learn how to do things like that.

I then try to contact her, my twin and he said something like, "she's busy elsewhere. She's getting you the help you need. she is giving you space. She'll contact you when she gets back.'

I still seem like the same me before. "It'll take time for you to be aware of the changes we've undergone as a combined being. it also takes time for the process of assimilation to fully express itself. Difficult to fully explain the process

I then ask, so , uh, what's it like for you? I get the impression of him looking at his hands, "it's a new experience for me. I'm not like I was before. I'm an expression of a new combined being, not a split off part that wanted to integrate. I guess similar to how you are of the soul we're part of. Not sure how to explain it. i do like it better then I was before. This feels more right. That felt like it was not proper, being a split off part, incomplete."

I wasn't aware of expression you. "You did, at your present level of development and awareness you are partially aware. You did the intent to create me like this. Your doubting my real existence is normal and I quite understand, being an expression of you. as for the veil you ask me about, no it effects me now. you have it in place on you, in you, in us so I have it as well. No getting around that. Still feels, sorta, odd. hard to explain."

"I'm not a separate part of you like soul can do to incarnate or to expel elements of itself that were what some would call former incarnations. I am, mentally you still, just a sort of. how to explain it, thoughts with some of the elements that were once shad. The full assimilation process is not over as of yet, on a deep level/layer it is still happening. Just relax it'll happen regardless and you'll not be aware of the process happening."

still not sure if this is really happening or it really happened or not.

"you could say I'm only in your mind, an expression. at your present level of development, awareness and stage of assimilation this is the best you could do. don't feel bad. I understand the doubt. In your place I would as well. I can feel it since I am you. guess I'll have to get use to saying us at times and we." I get the impression of him smiling.

-----------------------

I still feel some sadness about loosing Shad, I do miss him, but I think I'm either past the grieving part or in the 2nd or 3rd stage of it.  about what I typed above I'm not sure it really happened or I imagined it.  During it I felt a sort of happiness/sadness sorta at the same time, with some neutral sorta dead emotional feeling.  During it I did have a burst of joy/sadness at the same time, no idea what was up with that.

and diffidently no contact from her.  I wonder where she is. and why there is no contact.
----------------------
at this point as I type this I guess I'm supposed to just exist for a while. feels like I'm not doing anything, but I guess there is nothing for me to do. maybe some sort of rest period or something, no idea why I would need to rest and relax for a bit.

---------------------------

Think I got a message from her.  A bit of a mental giggling and saying to just give in.  She'll keep it high like this till I give in.  when I do give in think of her and shad.  She'll teach me one thing I can do with the energy. with the impression of a devious smile.

Not sure what to think or do.  I'll wait and if this is her doing and not something else then she'll keep good her devious threat.  

----------------------

Glad that it seems to have dropped. <yes, there is a safety valve, but it won't stop what i'm doing till you do give in and do as I mentioned earlier, plus this is also part of the assimilation process as well. Though I'll keep raising it to it's peak as fast as I safely can till you just do as I request. >

-----------------------
I saw a 2 clips of the flash show on another forum, a comic book based one. I may have to look the show up.
----------------------------

it does leave me feeling very alone.  not sure if it is my loosing Shad,  part of the assemulating process, or both, or something else.

---------------------------- 
 I took a nap, and soem interesting experiences. The one I use to call my soul aspect, not sure if he's my soul aspect or higher self, appeared again. It was a lucid dream and I was somewhere, I think the buffer space again. He looked a lot like an anthro dolphin.

I wonder if all the dolphin thing means soul spent a signficant part of it's life as a dolphin type being on another world or if it means something else and all the galactic federation of light videos on youtube is someone trying to drop obvious clues that soul aspect is a member of that.

Soul aspect or higher self and I hugged. he said he understood how I felt about Shad but it had to happen. I asked if it would be this way with me and him. he said a yes/no. it would be similar but not identical since I'd become aware of being him, but not assimulate him. it would become like talking to myself where I couldn't easily tell the difference, but I would in time, but it would still be like me talking to me. He also said the path I'm in, and being incarnate in a place like earth. The part of the path I'm in is worst while here, it'll be nowhere as bad once I'm over there and a seperate soul with his memories. I think he mentioned once I am a seperete soul with his memories I could do the same for shad as he did with me, either over there or having shad be an incarnation, if I choose to incarnate. he did say some soul in my situation, once they choose to become a seperate soul with their soul parent's memories, some choose never to incarnate again but to remain fully there. he then said my perspective and feelings may change once I'm fully over there, but they may not.

----

Not sure where this happened but it felt like there was a loud click inside my head, as if a switch had been thrown somewhere.

-------

Then when I was partially awake i felt my kundalini resonating at the peak that it has ever resonated before. it also felt like my body was resonating too. It felt like someone had connected to my back where my spine is at the level where my navel is. Maybe that was driving the resonating. the first few time i tried to move i felt her, my twin, touch me someone on a deep soul level to where I wasn't able to think, just experience that she was here, inside me or i was inside her. hard to describe. but those few times i did try to ove she ddi that and I lost all ability to think just experience her and the resonating, as well as seeing her eyes and her saying 1 word each time <EXPERIENCE.> i finally gave up after a few times and lay there.

Then she wanted me to move. I resisted at first, and she did what she had done before, just this time she said, >MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE.> and somehow she got my head to move about a centimeter maybe, or maybe an inch, like there was an axel where my nose is and my head turned around that. the first time she did that it was like a bubble was popped type sensation.

damn she can be devious. How is she able to do that stuff she was doing. expecially making my head move an inch or a bit less?

as I was getting up I thought that I am over most of my grief at loosing shad but i still miss him and am sad, with maybe some bits of grief left. She said <You'll see him later.> no idea what she meant by that. Wonder if anyone else has any idea.

------------

it looks like it's rainy & cold. so I'll scratch going out today. I may try some livestream channels I suspect may do something, though i do want to go out and be with people for some inner reason.

---------------------------------

I think I'll try to go to the spiritual new age bookstore tomorrow. They have a free meditation thing on Sundays. Only an hour and the weather shouldn't be to bad tomorrow. it may be fun and I may learn some stuff. It's called SAHAJA MEDITATION no idea what that is. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.

I see there is a mind-body-spirit faire thing next weekend. if the weather is nice I think I'll go 1 or both days. Depending on the weather.

Not sure how long I'll be there. I could take my backpack and a bit of food. The problem is there is so much I can't eat and I'd have to not drink any water from before I go till I get home. at least til I see if they have a public restroom or not.

------

I do hope this can help me to get some friends who are more into spiritual stuff. and when the weather is nice I may get out a few times a week.

------

I wonder what all that making my kunalini resonate like crazy like that and the rest of me was all about, and why the feeling of an umbilical cord and who was it connected to, my twin? Since I guess my higher self could just send the resonating down through my crown chakra. and why connect it to what felt like on my spine directly opposite to the navel?

also why do I still feel a strong resonance in my 2nd chakra area? not sure if my 1st one is resonating too or not. maybe slightly? not sure. Maybe not.

---------------------------------

 I feel sorta inbetween and not sure of how I feel. i guess it's normal going through an assemulation, loosing shad, but over most of the grief, or maybe all of it, and just the sadness and the missing him. I'll try a livestream, the brony show one, to see if they are doing anything tonight. and or I may be in the chat also, if there is something interesting.

I guess whatever mood I'm in may pass after a few days and I expect I'll be back to the usual, excpet there'll be no Shad and I may be going to the new age bookstore once or twice a week to do free or low cost stuff there. it may be fun and help me. I do also help I can make some friends that way too. Some friends who live in the same city. Having online friends i great, but it's nothing like rl friends who live in the same city you live in.

and with no shad i expect my feeling lonely may be a permanent thing, that may rise and fall in how much I feel lonely over the course of the day.

---------------------------
Still feeling some grief over shad. I do wish I could have him exist as an expression of me.  though it would not be the same since I think he'd be shad, like the latter part, acting more like me and not all primal about sex.  but more embrace and talk, if he can exist in the white space.  I expect it would not be quite the same since I'd know what he is going to say before he does it, at least to a large extent, but I think it would be nice.

I've not heard the shad as a voice in my head like I could this morning.  I wonder if it's due o that was just my imagination, or She's doing something and doesn't want to tell me yet.  I do feel she's ot connected to me.  maybe when I tak ea nap I'll have another experience. 

Still, a very lonely experience.  I wonder if this lonely feeling will ever pass or if I'll have it for good.

-------------------------
I do hope I can start making some spiritual friends soon.  though I guess even if I do go to the free and very low cost classes and such they do at the Unlimited Thought bookstore, it'll still likely take at least 6 months or longer. 

The friends I'd like to make I'd like at least some to be into the spiritual stuff I'm into, maybe some of them, at least 1, be like Scarlett and be a bit farther along then I am.  Not sure if any of this will happen.  I do certainly hope so.  I also wonder what the rest of my life will be like.  Will I be a virtual hermit for the rest of my life, with a day or 2 a week I go out, and a tiny few online friend or 2 I talk with and a few livestream shows I watch ever week? 

I think i will try the chat area tonight and maybe that brony show livestream too.  it may  help.

------------------------
Why are you increaasing my vibration?  How are you doing it? 

<it's easy.  i just make contact with you, in a variety of ways.  My vibration is higher then yours.  my very being wants your vibration to match mine perfectly.  Your very being wants yours to match mine perfectly.  You can also say the one, all that is, wants our vibrations to match perfectly.  So it'll happen regardless, we don't need to do anything.  us making some form of contact starts it.  We only need to make contact and do nothing, then everything will attempt to do it's best to  have our vibrations match.  it is very easy.  easier then a guide or someone else trying to increase your vibration.

------------------

Do I still miss shad, I feel a small part of me does but most of me does not anymore and part of me is not sure what i should feel.  the mental shad says <that is cause I'm here.>

would you want to be an independent soul with my memories or not with them?  <independent with your memories>

I then wonder, what if my twin flame and I merged then made him, impressed him as an aspect or however that is done and whatever the term is. <then i'd be your soul kid. I'd pick to have both of your memories.> 

----------------------------------