Friday (2)  1-30


I have only myself to talk to. terrible. and no one else responds. not even shad. the only other one is busy and in bed now anyway.

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It's going to be even lonelier with him gone. worst then before. a very close friend gone, poof, even before I knew it. he and she were right not to tel me this morning. if i knew what that would do I would not have done that method of masturbation so I could have shad around longer. I didn't think he'd be totally gone . this process is pretty cruel.

i feel even lonelier then before.

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I do hink shad is gone. no response when i say his name. RIP Shad, though only briefly as friends, you were a great friend I'll never forget.

She's not talking to me, maybe i feel to much grief to hear her or she's giving me the time and space I need, or she may be busy doing whatever. also dont knw how shad could help. he did say mentally to me before, when he was only inside me, that heh would help. not sure how he could. maybe he was just being nice to someone grieving.

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I was watching the usual livestream show and 1 the person streaming it tonight was playing an adult furry game in alpha. it has a scene in a bar and at first it was like I was in 2 places, here and some sort of club or bar somewhere else. No idea if that was a past soul memory or if soul aspect was off in some soul or bar in some higher dimension, if they have bars or clubs there. I do recall there were non humans and the vision did feel like it was happening currently then. Though I could not feel or know any of souls' thoughts. Wonder what it was and if it was at a club or bar what was it doing there. Or was it my higher self?

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Now that the livestream is over and my tiny number of online friends are not talking ot me at the moment I can say I'm mostly over my grief at loosing Shad, but it has left me feeling very lonely, tottally alone compared to before. It'll be worst for me the next few days and longer i'm sure since i'll be having to live each day totally alone with no Shad to talk to, no Shad to say comments at me at unexpected times. Not sure if it's just my grief but my sex drive is gone. It has been since I masterbated while doing that affermation of Accept & re-fuse with Shad. not to refuse him but to accept and remerge back into one. I see why the 2 of them, Shad and My twin didnt ay what would happen since if i had known i would not have done that, to prolong having Shad around. I tried to contact my twin and all I got was she is busy getting me help. No idea what kind of help or why. and no sign that what she said is possible and not my fantasy mind making that up for some reason. I did try to go to the buffer space but I'll not go there again. Guess it's my grief or maybe some other reason. I did see Shad there, but it was..... him as a sort of transparent image not moving. my only guess is it may be my grief doing that or he's mainly integrated but not fully but enough so he cant think as an independant being anymore.

Ick, I'll never go back to whatever that buffer space is. Just as i was typing that sentence if felt like something or someone tried to pull me somewhere that is all white. I'll not go to that buffer space again.

From now on I can only exist, day to day. No idea what ot do now but exisst and try to find some short moments of joy. I do wish i had friends in rl, apart from the thursday group, though they are great. some spiritial frineds into what I'm into. but I'm sure that'll not happen.

Some foreign voice twice said to me that I need to go to the buffer space. Guess loosing Shad as given me some form of schizophrenia. never heard that mental voice before.

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actually not sure how over I am of my grief of loosing Shad, one of my best friends. I do have longer periods of time between the grief hitting me and i tear up again. no idea how long it'll go on for. I wonder what type of spiritual soul path is it that makes one loose one of one's best friends.

I'll continue to post this here even though the only other person to read this likely won't read it for 12 hours or more. wonder when or if I'll have any more mystical or spiritual experiences. I don't really care if I never have any more.

think I'll watch some addams family and monty python. Though I do remember 1 of Shad's comments concerning the addams family. he liked them and would like to be a member.

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still have that distortion in my left eye.  likely like the last time I had it, caused by some fluid in the back of my left eye just under my retina not draining.  last time, years ago, I stumbled across it was caused by my eating picante sauce and sometimes chile powder.  I stumbled across this when i got tired of eating those and wanted to eat plain white rice and my eye got better, I waited a week, ate some picante sauce for  a few days and it came back.  No idea what is causing it this time. I've had it for about a day or 2 that I've noticed.  I' just glad it's not bad, though ti seems to move about slightly, or has over the day or day and a half I've noticed. I've quit eating the new food I added, a type of cereal, on the day i noticed , and cut out grape juice, and also ate my last bit of meat today.  hope it goes away. it is sorta annoying.