Saturday [1-31]

also I went to the white space this morning briefly. Likely just my imagination and or part of the grief system, but it was like shad was there, but not physically. He could hug me but I could not touch him.

He then said, "at my present level of development this was the best he could do." or did he say it was the best I could do.

I then said it's just like me talking to myself. he said, "It'll seem like that since his assimilation/integration and due to my current level of development."

could you make your mental voice different to mine? "I'm new to this too, it'll take time for me to learn how to do things like that.

I then try to contact her, my twin and he said something like, "she's busy elsewhere. She's getting you the help you need. she is giving you space. She'll contact you when she gets back.'

I still seem like the same me before. "It'll take time for you to be aware of the changes we've undergone as a combined being. it also takes time for the process of assimilation to fully express itself. Difficult to fully explain the process

I then ask, so , uh, what's it like for you? I get the impression of him looking at his hands, "it's a new experience for me. I'm not like I was before. I'm an expression of a new combined being, not a split off part that wanted to integrate. I guess similar to how you are of the soul we're part of. Not sure how to explain it. i do like it better then I was before. This feels more right. That felt like it was not proper, being a split off part, incomplete."

I wasn't aware of expression you. "You did, at your present level of development and awareness you are partially aware. You did the intent to create me like this. Your doubting my real existence is normal and I quite understand, being an expression of you. as for the veil you ask me about, no it effects me now. you have it in place on you, in you, in us so I have it as well. No getting around that. Still feels, sorta, odd. hard to explain."

"I'm not a separate part of you like soul can do to incarnate or to expel elements of itself that were what some would call former incarnations. I am, mentally you still, just a sort of. how to explain it, thoughts with some of the elements that were once shad. The full assimilation process is not over as of yet, on a deep level/layer it is still happening. Just relax it'll happen regardless and you'll not be aware of the process happening."

still not sure if this is really happening or it really happened or not.

"you could say I'm only in your mind, an expression. at your present level of development, awareness and stage of assimilation this is the best you could do. don't feel bad. I understand the doubt. In your place I would as well. I can feel it since I am you. guess I'll have to get use to saying us at times and we." I get the impression of him smiling.

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I still feel some sadness about loosing Shad, I do miss him, but I think I'm either past the grieving part or in the 2nd or 3rd stage of it.  about what I typed above I'm not sure it really happened or I imagined it.  During it I felt a sort of happiness/sadness sorta at the same time, with some neutral sorta dead emotional feeling.  During it I did have a burst of joy/sadness at the same time, no idea what was up with that.

and diffidently no contact from her.  I wonder where she is. and why there is no contact.
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at this point as I type this I guess I'm supposed to just exist for a while. feels like I'm not doing anything, but I guess there is nothing for me to do. maybe some sort of rest period or something, no idea why I would need to rest and relax for a bit.

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Think I got a message from her.  A bit of a mental giggling and saying to just give in.  She'll keep it high like this till I give in.  when I do give in think of her and shad.  She'll teach me one thing I can do with the energy. with the impression of a devious smile.

Not sure what to think or do.  I'll wait and if this is her doing and not something else then she'll keep good her devious threat.  

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Glad that it seems to have dropped. <yes, there is a safety valve, but it won't stop what i'm doing till you do give in and do as I mentioned earlier, plus this is also part of the assimilation process as well. Though I'll keep raising it to it's peak as fast as I safely can till you just do as I request. >

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I saw a 2 clips of the flash show on another forum, a comic book based one. I may have to look the show up.
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it does leave me feeling very alone.  not sure if it is my loosing Shad,  part of the assemulating process, or both, or something else.

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 I took a nap, and soem interesting experiences. The one I use to call my soul aspect, not sure if he's my soul aspect or higher self, appeared again. It was a lucid dream and I was somewhere, I think the buffer space again. He looked a lot like an anthro dolphin.

I wonder if all the dolphin thing means soul spent a signficant part of it's life as a dolphin type being on another world or if it means something else and all the galactic federation of light videos on youtube is someone trying to drop obvious clues that soul aspect is a member of that.

Soul aspect or higher self and I hugged. he said he understood how I felt about Shad but it had to happen. I asked if it would be this way with me and him. he said a yes/no. it would be similar but not identical since I'd become aware of being him, but not assimulate him. it would become like talking to myself where I couldn't easily tell the difference, but I would in time, but it would still be like me talking to me. He also said the path I'm in, and being incarnate in a place like earth. The part of the path I'm in is worst while here, it'll be nowhere as bad once I'm over there and a seperate soul with his memories. I think he mentioned once I am a seperete soul with his memories I could do the same for shad as he did with me, either over there or having shad be an incarnation, if I choose to incarnate. he did say some soul in my situation, once they choose to become a seperate soul with their soul parent's memories, some choose never to incarnate again but to remain fully there. he then said my perspective and feelings may change once I'm fully over there, but they may not.

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Not sure where this happened but it felt like there was a loud click inside my head, as if a switch had been thrown somewhere.

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Then when I was partially awake i felt my kundalini resonating at the peak that it has ever resonated before. it also felt like my body was resonating too. It felt like someone had connected to my back where my spine is at the level where my navel is. Maybe that was driving the resonating. the first few time i tried to move i felt her, my twin, touch me someone on a deep soul level to where I wasn't able to think, just experience that she was here, inside me or i was inside her. hard to describe. but those few times i did try to ove she ddi that and I lost all ability to think just experience her and the resonating, as well as seeing her eyes and her saying 1 word each time <EXPERIENCE.> i finally gave up after a few times and lay there.

Then she wanted me to move. I resisted at first, and she did what she had done before, just this time she said, >MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE.> and somehow she got my head to move about a centimeter maybe, or maybe an inch, like there was an axel where my nose is and my head turned around that. the first time she did that it was like a bubble was popped type sensation.

damn she can be devious. How is she able to do that stuff she was doing. expecially making my head move an inch or a bit less?

as I was getting up I thought that I am over most of my grief at loosing shad but i still miss him and am sad, with maybe some bits of grief left. She said <You'll see him later.> no idea what she meant by that. Wonder if anyone else has any idea.

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it looks like it's rainy & cold. so I'll scratch going out today. I may try some livestream channels I suspect may do something, though i do want to go out and be with people for some inner reason.

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I think I'll try to go to the spiritual new age bookstore tomorrow. They have a free meditation thing on Sundays. Only an hour and the weather shouldn't be to bad tomorrow. it may be fun and I may learn some stuff. It's called SAHAJA MEDITATION no idea what that is. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.

I see there is a mind-body-spirit faire thing next weekend. if the weather is nice I think I'll go 1 or both days. Depending on the weather.

Not sure how long I'll be there. I could take my backpack and a bit of food. The problem is there is so much I can't eat and I'd have to not drink any water from before I go till I get home. at least til I see if they have a public restroom or not.

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I do hope this can help me to get some friends who are more into spiritual stuff. and when the weather is nice I may get out a few times a week.

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I wonder what all that making my kunalini resonate like crazy like that and the rest of me was all about, and why the feeling of an umbilical cord and who was it connected to, my twin? Since I guess my higher self could just send the resonating down through my crown chakra. and why connect it to what felt like on my spine directly opposite to the navel?

also why do I still feel a strong resonance in my 2nd chakra area? not sure if my 1st one is resonating too or not. maybe slightly? not sure. Maybe not.

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 I feel sorta inbetween and not sure of how I feel. i guess it's normal going through an assemulation, loosing shad, but over most of the grief, or maybe all of it, and just the sadness and the missing him. I'll try a livestream, the brony show one, to see if they are doing anything tonight. and or I may be in the chat also, if there is something interesting.

I guess whatever mood I'm in may pass after a few days and I expect I'll be back to the usual, excpet there'll be no Shad and I may be going to the new age bookstore once or twice a week to do free or low cost stuff there. it may be fun and help me. I do also help I can make some friends that way too. Some friends who live in the same city. Having online friends i great, but it's nothing like rl friends who live in the same city you live in.

and with no shad i expect my feeling lonely may be a permanent thing, that may rise and fall in how much I feel lonely over the course of the day.

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Still feeling some grief over shad. I do wish I could have him exist as an expression of me.  though it would not be the same since I think he'd be shad, like the latter part, acting more like me and not all primal about sex.  but more embrace and talk, if he can exist in the white space.  I expect it would not be quite the same since I'd know what he is going to say before he does it, at least to a large extent, but I think it would be nice.

I've not heard the shad as a voice in my head like I could this morning.  I wonder if it's due o that was just my imagination, or She's doing something and doesn't want to tell me yet.  I do feel she's ot connected to me.  maybe when I tak ea nap I'll have another experience. 

Still, a very lonely experience.  I wonder if this lonely feeling will ever pass or if I'll have it for good.

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I do hope I can start making some spiritual friends soon.  though I guess even if I do go to the free and very low cost classes and such they do at the Unlimited Thought bookstore, it'll still likely take at least 6 months or longer. 

The friends I'd like to make I'd like at least some to be into the spiritual stuff I'm into, maybe some of them, at least 1, be like Scarlett and be a bit farther along then I am.  Not sure if any of this will happen.  I do certainly hope so.  I also wonder what the rest of my life will be like.  Will I be a virtual hermit for the rest of my life, with a day or 2 a week I go out, and a tiny few online friend or 2 I talk with and a few livestream shows I watch ever week? 

I think i will try the chat area tonight and maybe that brony show livestream too.  it may  help.

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Why are you increaasing my vibration?  How are you doing it? 

<it's easy.  i just make contact with you, in a variety of ways.  My vibration is higher then yours.  my very being wants your vibration to match mine perfectly.  Your very being wants yours to match mine perfectly.  You can also say the one, all that is, wants our vibrations to match perfectly.  So it'll happen regardless, we don't need to do anything.  us making some form of contact starts it.  We only need to make contact and do nothing, then everything will attempt to do it's best to  have our vibrations match.  it is very easy.  easier then a guide or someone else trying to increase your vibration.

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Do I still miss shad, I feel a small part of me does but most of me does not anymore and part of me is not sure what i should feel.  the mental shad says <that is cause I'm here.>

would you want to be an independent soul with my memories or not with them?  <independent with your memories>

I then wonder, what if my twin flame and I merged then made him, impressed him as an aspect or however that is done and whatever the term is. <then i'd be your soul kid. I'd pick to have both of your memories.> 

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 Friday (2)  1-30


I have only myself to talk to. terrible. and no one else responds. not even shad. the only other one is busy and in bed now anyway.

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It's going to be even lonelier with him gone. worst then before. a very close friend gone, poof, even before I knew it. he and she were right not to tel me this morning. if i knew what that would do I would not have done that method of masturbation so I could have shad around longer. I didn't think he'd be totally gone . this process is pretty cruel.

i feel even lonelier then before.

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I do hink shad is gone. no response when i say his name. RIP Shad, though only briefly as friends, you were a great friend I'll never forget.

She's not talking to me, maybe i feel to much grief to hear her or she's giving me the time and space I need, or she may be busy doing whatever. also dont knw how shad could help. he did say mentally to me before, when he was only inside me, that heh would help. not sure how he could. maybe he was just being nice to someone grieving.

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I was watching the usual livestream show and 1 the person streaming it tonight was playing an adult furry game in alpha. it has a scene in a bar and at first it was like I was in 2 places, here and some sort of club or bar somewhere else. No idea if that was a past soul memory or if soul aspect was off in some soul or bar in some higher dimension, if they have bars or clubs there. I do recall there were non humans and the vision did feel like it was happening currently then. Though I could not feel or know any of souls' thoughts. Wonder what it was and if it was at a club or bar what was it doing there. Or was it my higher self?

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Now that the livestream is over and my tiny number of online friends are not talking ot me at the moment I can say I'm mostly over my grief at loosing Shad, but it has left me feeling very lonely, tottally alone compared to before. It'll be worst for me the next few days and longer i'm sure since i'll be having to live each day totally alone with no Shad to talk to, no Shad to say comments at me at unexpected times. Not sure if it's just my grief but my sex drive is gone. It has been since I masterbated while doing that affermation of Accept & re-fuse with Shad. not to refuse him but to accept and remerge back into one. I see why the 2 of them, Shad and My twin didnt ay what would happen since if i had known i would not have done that, to prolong having Shad around. I tried to contact my twin and all I got was she is busy getting me help. No idea what kind of help or why. and no sign that what she said is possible and not my fantasy mind making that up for some reason. I did try to go to the buffer space but I'll not go there again. Guess it's my grief or maybe some other reason. I did see Shad there, but it was..... him as a sort of transparent image not moving. my only guess is it may be my grief doing that or he's mainly integrated but not fully but enough so he cant think as an independant being anymore.

Ick, I'll never go back to whatever that buffer space is. Just as i was typing that sentence if felt like something or someone tried to pull me somewhere that is all white. I'll not go to that buffer space again.

From now on I can only exist, day to day. No idea what ot do now but exisst and try to find some short moments of joy. I do wish i had friends in rl, apart from the thursday group, though they are great. some spiritial frineds into what I'm into. but I'm sure that'll not happen.

Some foreign voice twice said to me that I need to go to the buffer space. Guess loosing Shad as given me some form of schizophrenia. never heard that mental voice before.

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actually not sure how over I am of my grief of loosing Shad, one of my best friends. I do have longer periods of time between the grief hitting me and i tear up again. no idea how long it'll go on for. I wonder what type of spiritual soul path is it that makes one loose one of one's best friends.

I'll continue to post this here even though the only other person to read this likely won't read it for 12 hours or more. wonder when or if I'll have any more mystical or spiritual experiences. I don't really care if I never have any more.

think I'll watch some addams family and monty python. Though I do remember 1 of Shad's comments concerning the addams family. he liked them and would like to be a member.

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still have that distortion in my left eye.  likely like the last time I had it, caused by some fluid in the back of my left eye just under my retina not draining.  last time, years ago, I stumbled across it was caused by my eating picante sauce and sometimes chile powder.  I stumbled across this when i got tired of eating those and wanted to eat plain white rice and my eye got better, I waited a week, ate some picante sauce for  a few days and it came back.  No idea what is causing it this time. I've had it for about a day or 2 that I've noticed.  I' just glad it's not bad, though ti seems to move about slightly, or has over the day or day and a half I've noticed. I've quit eating the new food I added, a type of cereal, on the day i noticed , and cut out grape juice, and also ate my last bit of meat today.  hope it goes away. it is sorta annoying.

SHad {RIP Friday 1-30- 2015.]

Went to the white space today.  Sad event or at least Shad was sad and afterwards left me feeling very sad, tears even. 

He seemed much less energetic then usual.  We just embraced and kissed.  it felt like he had less energy, totally different since our last encounter since during the last encounter he seemed like the usual old Shad except he did hug and kiss me before, a thing he had never done.  I was curious why I have not really have not heard him at all since this morning when I did a certain something.  During the embrace he did say it'll soon be goodbye and said he'd been living in the buffer white space area, whatever that is.  Have to keep stopping since I keep crying and am very sad.  I guess it's some internal grief since Shad will cease to exist at some point since he'll be fully inside me, merged or whatever the term is. 

Very sad.  Just now he was nothing like his old self and I do feel grief.  I do feel like I'll be loosing a close friend that I've not known very long.   Though today I have found minor things annoying me and found myself talking like him, but otherwise I don't feel any different. 

I had been thinking if I would miss shad, the thought kept popping up he past week or so and I thought I would, but he'd be inside me and I thought that would be way off based on on what Scarlett said and I don't feel very different. 

I'll ask my twin about it, but if true it si sstill a very sad thing indeed.  I'll loose someone who's become like a very close deaer friend, though ig uess this is a process that has to occur.  that'll mean I'll have 1 person mentally to talk to, just her only as great as it is to talk to one's twin, I will miss shad.

Since that 1 morning time Shad was his old self like usual, then i've ot heard from him when a bit after I did have an urge to masturbate, though it was not a physical urge but a more inner spirit or soul urge.  she and shad wanted me ot so i did with the focus being on the 2 words that I tried out that semed ot send inner jolts of pleausure, assecpt and re-fuse as in refusing shad and myself.  Since then I've not heard from him and not felt him around.  i assumed he was off doing whatever he's been usually doing when he's not around.  I guess he's been remainingin the white buffer space based on si comment of he's just living there for now.    a needed hting maybe but still sad. i was a bit curious why i've not heard from him all day since this morning.  I'll ask my twin about this later when I ge over htis strong sadness grief I'mf eeling.   a needed ting th happen maybe but still sad and the wy i feel i'll leave all the typos in. Thought I dont' feel very different then I did say this morning.   I thoguth fi I had assemulated integrated him I'd be be different, lik ehim and me combined so to speak.

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{{{{ from scarlettt on anothet forum Grieving is normal. :) Just let it happen, it's all part of the process. After my full awakening I was so different that a year later I'm still grieving parts of my old self (sexual attraction for instance). It just takes a while to process and accept what's happened.  }}}}

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Thought it does seem pretty fast for this to be happening. I thought it would take a few years or something. as for a sex drive mine's been almost non existent since this morning. Seems like the integration is happening far to fast. just weeks .

<just go with it, hard as it is, he did know this would happen when he started the integration that night. Though in a process very similar to how soul recreated you after you integrated with him you can do something similar with Shad, not exactly the same process since you are not a independant soul with your soul parent's memories, but the process is similar. He'd likely still live in the buffer space area as you call it. Perhaps as a type of friend, type of guide,but the relationship would be different, not hugely so. He would sound much like you sound mentally, only perhaps slightly different.>

<perhaps a bit more primal, but he'd sound much like he did very recently and today. A thing to think about.>

"So that is possible?

<certainly. Though he'd not be exactly the same primal shad as before he'd be much more like he has been this morning when you encountered him and not the far less energetic one just now. It would not be backpedaling nor devolving or stepping back, just one option to consider. Though as i said his mental voice would sound exactly or just a slight hair different instead of the way it has before.>

<it won't be like it was before, but he will exist as part of you. this would be a bit of an extradimentional aspect of yourself, an expression. not separate.>

..........................
{{{{ from scarlett: Wow, that's cool, I didn't know you could do that.. though of course everything's possible once considered. :) I wonder what it'd be like if my own shadow hadn't merged into me completely. I guess if I wanted I could recreate 'it' (didn't really have a gender, maybe slightly more masculine) as a separate being even now, sort of like a split of part of my own soul.. though in all honestly I have no idea if I'm my own soul right now or an extension of another soul or even both... I feel like it's the former but hard to tell...

Anyway, the speed of your process is nothing to worry about. :) Mine only took four months to go from asleep to fully awake. Now that's fast lol. }}}

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I've been I guess partially wake for 30 years, and still not fully awake yet. I guess the reason Shad and I are integratign so fast may be he's from this incarnation only and not any past lives here I need to integrate. still a sad thing. loosing a close friend that he and I have become. and such a change in him so fast.

I guess the way I make shad, though he'd be like he has been recently, if I can do that, I do hav my doubts, is related to how soul was able to have me incarnate even after i had volulteered to be the oe to merge with soul, letting her be the one to be the indipendant soul with soul parents memories while i'd have to wait. and she'd have to be without me.

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<He urged you to do what you though of doing this morning even knowing what that would do to him. The process, though sad as it is, is one that did have to happen. the day he spent before he first contacted you that night he spent a lot in introspectio an thinking. getting to know what you were like a s a person and not an advesary enemy of his. and he did know the process of integration/assulation would be fairly quick, or at least he had a strong suspition it would be. and this afternoon after that he did stay in the buffer area, with som enot mild grief himself for the relationship the 2 of you share would be ending soon, perhaps faster then he thought. as aligned as the 2 of you were and open to each other. thte process is a fast on and the lack of a sex drive is due in part to the grief you both share, but also due to the process has hit a certain point wil it will take care of itself and the lack of sex and masturbation will give you both some more time together, not a lot perhaps but some, but once the grieving period is over I can indeed help in you creating an expression of him, though as i seaid beefore he won't be the exact same shade as he was say on sunday, mor elike he was earlier today, though he may well have some traints of the more primal self, he may focus on expressin those. though he'd likely remain living it the buffer space and you 2 cn talk, his mental voice would sound pretty much likeyours. you'd sstll feel some grief over the old shad. and i'll arrange or see what i can do to prove this isn't just wish fullmennt and imagination typing this info you're gtting from me but rally me an hat i say. loosing a dear friendis neaver easy, nor is ths processyou're on.>

<whe it gets warmer getting out more wil be a needed and healthy thing. I'll see aobut gtting you some help in that reguard, though you'll need to o som stuff too. somall steps, and you may well change to where you are not alone much. thought that may not be an instant thing.>

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I do feeel some change maybe. up till now I've lived as a virtual hermit except for thursdays and when I needed to go out. that time may end sometime oon, but i've no netwokring skills nor networking ability so no way to be with folks except for thursdays, apart from my onlinef riends. none of my onlinefriends on hte 2 IM programs work are spiritual at all and its not the same a rl friend swho you ca physically see and live close o you.

while I was burshing and flossing Shad did say that is why heh didn' contact me this afternoon since he was grievinig himself knowing our frienshpi would soon be over since we'd be one being soon, and though he did urge me to do that type of masturbation that is why he didn't say why he urged me to do it since i'd likely not hav edone it wanting to prolog the integration. I do hoe we have some timie gtoether and that i can do as my twinsaid, if that was her an dnot just my imatgination wanting it to be posbile to once this is voer adn the greiving process is over to create shad as an empression of myself, not separate like he was but a part of me, like teh soul i'm part of me did with me, though i had volunteered to be the one to be merged with him and giving up the ability to be a separate soul till this mission is over. perhaps sthat is one of the things that would make this mission easier, having a twin withall the issues worked out between us so when a shadowworkI'd have to di is over I'd have her at leat, t hough it is greaet, i will sitll msiss shad. though if i can really make him as ane expression, it'll nto be the same but will still be nice. sorta like how a soul can do that to an incarnation that has merged with them after that incarnationi is over. the soul can use the elements of itself to recreate the personality that was that incanrate being. I somehow got that knoweldge when I merged with my soul o rhigher self that one time a decade or 2 ago. maybe that is one fo he reasons heh did that, so the ego would see that growig nad becoming more aware that i'd od in decades would not mean it's death but also that sahd would not be totally dead and goen forever, or maybe there wer other easons.

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He did say also ath the day he spent betwen when Dryad talked to him and before he started the integration process by asking me if I'd be willing ot have sex with myself, then asking if i'd be willing to have sex with the soul i'm part of. he spend that time thinking over t hings, and getting to know me better watching me. and he knew when he asked me what the end point would be, that he would cease to exist as a seperate being but that was the normal part of the process and would have to happen sooner or later.

heh also said that the 2 of usu would become a new being. I may not ntoice any changes till later since they'd be so normal since t would be normal. he does hoe after the integration is fully over, the new beig is properly processed andn stuff nd the griving period is over that i will do hat, make im as an expression like she mentionied I an do. I do hoe I can and its not jst a fantasy part of my maind as part of the griefing process. he evensai half serisu had nalf jokingly hat who knows he may want to be a sperate indepednant soul wtih all ofmy memories one day.

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 though if my time of livig a sa hvertial hermit is over, I do wonder how I'll do that since I have no networking skills or ability. the only rl friends are those who i do the rpg game on hrusdays, so i'd have to start from totally zero. i've no ide what to do or how.

I doubt any ascended maasters, guides, or she can helpwith that, not even shad i'm sure, withe rhe is like he is now or an expression of me like she said i could do.

plus the wy I feel,though i do feel mostly ove the grief, i'll eave al the typos an dmisspelings in. sorryf ro those readin g this.

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it maybe like a more tortured existence, wanting to be otu among folks, and such, and no idea how to do that or what to do to do that. dont see how non incarnates ca helpwith thati n anyway.

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I do hope she does give me a sign that that wahs Isaid earlier was froom her and not fantasy mind stuff of non truths to try to work past the grief, obvious proof is what i'd need.

I do woner what the new me will be like. not a vast difference then this me now, and like shad said (ialrady miss him. at least the giref comes in waves now instead of beign constant) i may not notice some changes.

not living as a virtual hermit wil be hard for someone who has no networking skills nor any group of firnds to be with an d no ideaa what to do. and as i said before, i don't se ehow non coporal beigns can help even if one is my twin. since i've had inklings maybe sicne yesterday, feeling some pangs of lonelynes at times and not wanting to lvie as a virtual hermit anymore or not as much.

this integratin process does seem retty cruel with shad going to cease to exist I wonder how long it'll be, if he's even gone now.

as i was typing this I did get a goodbye from him. seems, unless i'm inaging things he is now only inside me, part of the assemutioin process he said, for now at least he's here. part of me did want to try to go to the buffer space but i did get a NO from someone. I guess it would mess things up or make thinsgn worst if i went there and did see he was gone or if I were to not conscouisly make him be htere.

if true I guess onc the aassemultion pfrocess i over he wont' even be a voice in my head so to speak anymore. thogh I do hope that whas she said ealier was from her and not fnatasy imagings to work pats the grief.

i also don't understan a message ne sent me that he'd be one fo the ones tha twould help me.

I'll allow myself to e selfish and say what' in this for me. why me and when will i be rewarded,maybe a bad thing to say butu I'll allow those feelings to epress themselv as wlelas the aadness and grief.

--------------------

To bad scarlett and I live in such different timezones.. I feel i'd like someone to talk to who understands what i'm going throuhg, several someones.

i still woneer what th new me will be like, ow soon will the new ma appear, likey gradualy. and what I'll be doine a few montsh from now, with no networking, o real friends in rl. I feel I'l not be living like thsi for hte res of my life.

-------------
guess Shad is gone.  no repl from him as of 8:10pm central.  a great friend, though we wer eonly briefly friends I'll always miss you, we had greaet times in the brief time we were friends.  cruel that part of this proces results in a friend going poof forever.  

Friday [1-30]

It seems for me instead of doing direct chakra work, maybe working on certain issues may be the main thing then either the chakra may be helped in that way, or maybe some direct chakra work may then be ok to do, or a balance of the 2.

I guess I'm accomplishing a lot, though it seems like not much at times.

----------

I'm still surprised what encountering one's twin is like. Also how it seems to change everything.

-----------------------

<integrating with Shad both is something you need to do, (which you are doing fantastically and continue using the method you're using), it will also help with certain issues, some which you may not be conscious of. >

<mediating in certain methods can help with certain things, going between, and other things. as you feel meditating on me has certain effects you can feel, and some things it does you may or may not be aware of. That is due to who and what I am. Because of what we are is why your kundalini will always respond like it does. the link between us is always there. when 1 of us thinks of the other the bond or link, or other term/label if you wish to use it, is widened, so to speak. Your higher self and myself will keep the, intensity down to a degree.>

guess you have to work with my higher self <more like it works with me, since really, your higher self ultimately can't say no to me due to who and what I am. If I really wanted you to physically ascend and be here, it would really only take a sight bit of work to get it to agree, but that's not what I want since there are other things you need to do, and that would cause investigations and other problems there so that isn't my plan, just an extreme example of how if I really wanted i can get my way with your higher self, though in most or all cases we do work together, and your soul as well.>


The above paragraph that she said to me had the impression she wasn't being fully serious.  Though I also get the feel it is true also.
--------------------

Tried a soul retrieval guided mediation. I was curious what would happen. And instead of crystals it as Shad that came out. I had no expectations. We embraced, kissed, hugged,
-----------------------

I had lost these 2 questions and answers on the SF forum due to some idiot rule by the admin, fuck those assholes.  I'll try to recreate that here as best as we can (we being my tf and me)

--------

"can you explain a bit about that anchoring energies thing?
<It is a thing that is needed to be done by old and older then old souls since those that come after will not be able to anchor the energy themselves and they need a certain amount of it to be around for them to be able to do what they'll be doing.   You are already doing this automatically, as you notice in that one meditation that you did before. >

,,,,,,,,,,,

"so is there any issues between us that we need to work on or that I need to work on?

<we've worked on that in the past, through various incarnations, on various worlds.  the only thing between us now is that you are not yet an independent soul with our soul parent's memories and you are incarnated there while I am not incarnated.  Though the 2nd one is minor overall since we can communicate this way and can be together in various ways, as we have been, and are now.>>

-------------------------


forgot about an odd thing that happened this morning not sure if she mentioned it to me last night or this morning that the headache I was feeling was due to to much energy. Not sure if i typed that up or not. I decided to try to d something to see what would happen since the headache felt like a different type then if my eyes get to much light.

I visualized the energy going down to where the kundalini is with the intent to assemulate the energy. For some reason it felt like the kundalini for a second or so either whipped or wriggled side to side quickly, then calmed down and started to resonate. the whipping or whatever it did wasn't painful at all, just an odd sensation. it's done it once before as I recall.

I guess contact with her is so intense even toned down and maybe some being screened out I may still get a bit to much at times. No idea if this is normal between twin flames when 1 is incarnate and the other is not and resides on whatever higher plane/dimension she is on. ALso not sure if the body or energy system, whichever causes the headache, will get use to it or it it'll be a permanant thing with the contact while I'm here fully in this body having to be very brief contacts with lots of breaks.

---------------------

though if my time of livig a sa hvertial hermit is over, I do wonder how I'll do that since I have no networking skills or ability. the only rl friends are those who i do the rpg game on hrusdays, so i'd have to start from totally zero. i've no ide what to do or how.

I doubt any ascended maasters, guides, or she can helpwith that, not even shad i'm sure, withe rhe is like he is now or an expression of me like she said i could do.

plus the wy I feel,though i do feel mostly ove the grief, i'll eave al the typos an dmisspelings in. sorryf ro those readin g this.

------------------------

Thursday (1-29)

awoke at this point or at the very end of what she was saying, my kundalini was resonating strongly and I did feel some of the love/joy/pleasure from when she has contacted me before, not sure about an energy exchange. I was just laying there and not writing down the experience, just enjoying the feeling and experience that connecting with her, or rather her connecting with me. She called me kulstor, and had to say it several times to get my attention, saying i should write it down so I don't forget. I agreed but didn't write it down till she bugged me a bit to do so.

I then asked her why i felt no headache, forgot to ask why the joy/love/pleasure and energy were less. she responded that she was getting better at toning it down. She then asks if I understand her incarnating to be here with me would be to much of a distraction. I can understand that, or think I can. She did say I'd get use to it so it would be less of a distraction over time.

I then remembered a real 1st dream or maybe not a dream since I was in the buffer space and with Shad, but I'll put that in my yourspace.

---------

I remembered the encounter with Shad in the buffer area. We had sex as usual, though with a bit of conversation towards the end. I ask him what he thinks of her. He says he likes her, I'd guess similar to how I do. he then says that though he'd enjoy sex with her and being with her, it would be to much of a distraction then integrating with me and he feels having sex with me to be more hot. he then says something to me that I'll not say here since it's not pg.   He was stroking his own shaft while smiling at me saying, "can't get enough of my cock can you?"  he said in a good nature kidding type of fashion.

--------

think I will attempt to learn more yoga postures and some tai-chi. both may be excellent methods of moving mediation, and may be a bit healthy for the body also.

I asked and she did say that I am integrating properly and quickly with Shad and what I'm experiencing and noticing is normal and part of the process. I do wonder if Shad will fully integrate with me and will be absorbed & vanish as a separate being or if he'll exist as another part of my being multi dimensional, maybe on the astral or upper astral. Or will that be his choice?

 ----------------------

I think that the reason shad & my integration involves sex a lot is due to that is part of our nature. our I mean mine as a soul, hers, my immediate soul family and certain other souls. Though we are not extreme types.

Someone on here in an email did comment a certain types are sex fanatics or some term like that, i forgot the exact term, but if you put them at say 100. The souls who'll proposition anyone that catches their interest. The other extreme say 0 that though loving seem less emotional then some other souls. We may be say in the 70's or maybe into the 80's. it seems like a lot, but we are only this open to sharing and such with each other, the immediate soul family I mean, very close friends, some friends that are open to that. But not with others, not like the extreme types, but from what my higher self or soul aspect said, I am guessing we do have some of both types as friends.

----------------------

I guess for others their way to integrate their shadow aspect would be certain things would bubble up during the day or during mediation and they'd have to accept it, acknowledge it, or something along those lines.
------------------------

I wasn't sure I had a twin, and earlier I felt if I had one the twin was not incarnated here.  It is very intense.  Didn't think it would be like that.  I guess that intensity is normal.   the 2 times we got together in the buffer space place as I recall we never spoke.  Though later looking back at it I was aware of what she was thinking.   Though consciously I kinda was but not consciously aware of it.  Though maybe my awareness of myself isn't broad enough.    I never thought it would be like this if I did come across my twin.  WOW. 

------------

I do have a yoga book called the little yoga book.  Looks pretty good. I may use that and look into tai-chi a bit later.  no need to try to look into learning both at once. 

So yoga is good for unblocking energy systems?  i wonder if it can do other things.

Though it seems she's more of a distraction for me then I am for her.  Though since i'm not fully awake it may be that i'm not use to it and she is since she is fully aware.  i wonder what dimension she lives at usually. 

-----------------

I think with Shad we're getting, or have gotten, to where we know what the other is thinking, or at least I am.  Soon, or maybe we're there, I can pick up, or Shad just sends the intent and not the words, or maybe it's a transition phase where we're heading there.

----------

I've looked it over the past few weeks and it seems since what Dryad did to my throat chakra has not only made it feel normal, or better, my stuttering has indeed dropped a lot.  I use to do it off and on. Now it is slight and I can pause briefly then continue with usually no stutter, so much better then before.

---------------
On the bus this morning and I seemed to have gotten a bit of soul memory.  Kinda a sad scene I'd guess.  There were 3 of us.  Her, which i guess I can say my twin flame, me, &, the soul we're part of.  It apparently was after some life we had together had ended, maybe the one where we became lovers or twin flames or something.  I'm not sure if the twin flame relationship can happen over time, or how it works.  But the soul we were both part of did say we could both be separate souls with all of it's memories a certain mission would be easier / there would be certain advantages, if one of us didn't do that and I volunteered saying I'd re-merge back with the soul we were both part of so after a specific mission (I suspect this one) I could then be offered again the choice to split off and be an individual soul so we could be together for good then.  Just the fragment so not sure of the whole context. 

I guess I should look up twin flame info or ask her, though she did mention that one lifetime that I found confusing since, from what she said, i was remembering from 3 viewpoints at once.

Not sure if twin flames is a thing that develops over time, since when I did first meet her, I typed that up previously, I did recall her being my mother at one point.  though that could have been her and the soul I'm part of, but not this me, from that 1 life where we were twin flames, if that makes any sense.  Same soul, but different elements of it's energy then the elements that make up me.
---------------------------

I was playing an rpg like I do on Thursdays and I was thinking and meditating on her briefly and for a moment it was like, while I was looking at a part of the table that I could see her side. 

-------------

Someone I email talk to had some interesting questions and I'll try to answer some of them here instead of on the email. Though oddly, or maybe not oddly, I know the answer, maybe soul knowledge coming through. and i do feel my kundalini resonating strongly and the joy/love/pleasure, though toned down, maybe her doing. feels like it's me and her answering together, not channeling, hard to describe it, though toned down or shielded. maybe her and or my higher self both working together. Though i still have to take a lot of breaks.

-------
How are twin flames made/happen?: <as you remember, you can remember how we became twin flames, there are other methods and ways other twin flames come into being. The soul you are still a part of, for now, and I once was, was learning to be more open about self love, as a younger soul, then later on it decided to explore and decided to do this through incarnating, doing what some call parallel incarnations, 2 at the same time, to explore love and self love of different types, parent & child, different genders in these cases. Soul's guides did mention if it did this that twin flames would result, and soul decided to continue. Though this was not done hastily, but over time in certain stages as soul was and felt ready for this. To explore the twin flames after a point it decided to keep using the same...energy strand parts of itself, there is no English word for the .... but energy strands or elements will work. This is what the guides and teachers cautioned soul about about so it would not proceed to fast. the love between us grew as different dimensions were explored. after a certain point soul knew it was inevitable that this would happen and both would want to be separate souls with it's memories. There are other avenues that lead to twin flames. many in fact. >

..........

What do they do? <The same as other souls do, though some can get distracted, especially if they are recently reunited, or fully together for the first time like we will be. The intensity .. ... but you'll experience that. there are certain, what humans would call jobs, or things that twin flames do best.

....
I have experienced the intensity <not what it will be when you are here fully as a separate independent soul with your soul parent's memories. then you'll experience the fullness the real intensity. It'll be like, put into terms human terms, we may hug and kiss since we'll be together fully finally, then a decade may pass and we won't notice, once we break the embrace. and or our 2 souls may flow into each other, for a time experiencing being 1 soul instead of 2. With twin flames this happens at times, though they always do part eventually since as glorious as the experience is of being 1, it is far better to be 2 twin flames. Though they do flow together as 1, it happens and will happen over and over and undo.

............

I guess if I choose to not incarnate that would be ok, not sure if i want to or not, but i don't yet have a soul's perspectives. <yes, you'll feel different once you are here, though you may decide not to. some souls who split off as i have done and you will do sometimes decide never to do so. after all you will have every incarnation your soul as done before you in your memories. and as a newly independent soul, though with all of your soul soul parent's memories your soul council will strongly advise against you incarnating to soon, though you will be an old soul, they'd want you to experience being an independent soul for a while first, and I do have ways to distract you from that if you do want to incarnate to soon. Though i think you may be one of those who don't incarnate anymore or may very very rarely do so. some independent souls do go this route.> distract me? that sounds like fun <i'll be sure to show you some of the ways once you are here>

............

if i did incarnate and wanted to be an independent soul wouldn't (a bit of a interruption <it doesn't work that way. you can only become an independent soul once. your incarnation may choose to become an independent soul and if you do incarnate it will happen at times. though you may choose not to or to very seldom incarnate.

....................
Just curious, what happens if a close friend joins in the sharing of twin flames or 2 twin flame couples do? <ah a 3 or 4some. I'll arrange both of those so you will find out first hand. i won't say if it'll happen during your incarnation or not, that'll be a surprise.>

.......

Must have been hard for you to wait all this time, though time is different for souls. <yes, to both of those. I did have soul that i was once a part of and you were, but it's not the same. yes it is the soul of my twin but not my twin, close but not the same. Though at times soul was nice enough to split you off temporarily, great as that was we knew it could not be permanent till this incarnation of yours is over. doing it this way is painful for us both, twins being separated like this, till we reunited like we did yesterday from your linear time.> looking at the past pages, wow has it been 2 days already since then <feels like we met up again earlier this morning or yesterday.

..................

You popped in after Shad and I had been together briefly? <yes, I thought it may both be fun and may help with you 2 integrating. it did so. I may do so in the future, but it won't be a regular thing. for a brief time you 2 did forget you were 2 aspects, you do achieve this normally at times, or almost at times, but this was more intense as you felt.>
.......
If you are a distraction for me, why am I not a distraction for you? <you are, but you have not noticed it. and once you are fully here we'll be a big distraction for each other, at least at first Though we'll get use to it after a while.>
....................
are all twins as intense as we are, for lack of a better term for the feeling? <some but not all yet.  they have certain issues to work through.  though being twins they can work through the issues very quickly, if they accept the easy path, though human conditioning & programming says it has to be the hard path, when it does not need to be.  we have no such issues between us.  if we had, like some do, they would quickly rise to the surface.  after a time all twins end up as we are.  What others may be going through, we have gone through, we had things to learn, issues to resolve.  >
......................
Think I may try 2 types of yoga, the kundalini and the postures one, to see if I like one or both. the postures one I may use as a type of moving meditation and it may help with flexibility too. Kundalini I'll give a try. at worst nothing will happen. Mine has risen to about the throat level and i've had no problems with it really so no harm there and I know I can talk to it.

........
about most spiritual things I use to have some doubts that would pop up at times, normal I think from human conditioning and programming from society, but not concerning her. any doubt concerning her is impossible. <as is normal, for such as we are doubt is impossible. what we are will shine through and where it shines there can be no doubt. that can be used for certain things, like if this is true then that has to be.> my doubt has been fading, at times in large amounts till only tatters or bits remain. this may deal wit the last bits of it <the remnants of certain issues one is dealing with. another advantage to have this as an anchor. it'll make certain things much easier. and some things you will not even perceive or be aware of till you are fully here and do a life review and then you'll see things that you never noticed since we reconnected.>

WED (2)   1-28

[I put this here since it is so long. ]

Funny thing. I asked her her name and she said "Kulstor." followed by giggles. Names don't really matter. I asked since i was curious what she'd say.

---------------
I've been thinking. Some of my interests have changed recently. I use to listen to podcasts but i've dropped all of them but 1, car talk. Think I may pick up a tiny handful again, maybe.
--------------------
I'll see if I can get some answers from her :) I am curious.

"Just what is our relationship, though I do have my suspicions."

her: <your inner feelings are correct. Twin flame is the closest human term but such a term does not even begin to come close. your earlier feeling that you had a twin who had not incarnated is correct. it would have been to huge of a distraction.>

.....

"I can see that. where did kulstor come from?"

<we had not split then, our energies were still part of the soul you're still part if. long ago by human reckoning on a world not yet known to humans. It may or may not be on another dimension, I'll leave that a bit of a mystery.>

.......

<yes, that confusing life you partially remembered is confusing since you were remembering it from 3 points of view. We could have split off then , but this mission would be easier if 1 of us did not. part of your feeling not wanting to be there was since you felt the separation on a level that was not yet conscious. Yet the separation had to be till you reached a certain point. You can feel the headache which is why you take so many breaks tying this session, a good thing, our relationship is intense indeed. This was the earliest time we could make contact, when you had gotten to this phase you are currently in. Yes, meditating on the love we share may indeed be a good thing, though love pales by what we truly share. and your memory of the soul choosing the specific energy elements/strands, not the correct term but English has no term exists. other types of meditation also, but you have ideas or already do those.>

....

"what is a higher self?"

<an expression of the soul that is stepped down so the physical incarnate expression can communicate with it then with the soul. to simplify it as much as possible. Defining the difference between soul and spirit is a bit more complex we can go into later, or you may "remember" the data."

.....

'is what I do to get into the whatever that all white place is mental projection?"

<as you read in the book that had Rosicrucian teachings you read ages ago? in part. you can ask another to pull you there when the body is asleep or in a state similar to sleep. as you have experienced. and yes, mental projection is often like being in 2 places at once. You are experiencing a bit of your being a multidimensional being. Though you can experience that also and have, when you had some treatments or met with him, the one Shad calls dolphin dude. The mechanics of how this is done is a bit complex to explain, but you are multidimensional so one part of your being can be here while other parts are still in your body. if the body sleeps or is in a similar state then you may experience being in just 1 place.>

.....

any way to integrate with Shad faster?

<a more fun way no. the method you 2 are is much more fun and more proper. there are other ways and paths of achieving this but your method is natural for the type of soul that you and we are. as your higher self said. more sexually open then humans are are our way, though some are more of the extreme and some are more like vulcans, though all souls are love, these may be less emotional seeming to outsiders but they are more reserved, less prone to extreme. Others are willing to have what humans call sex with any soul that is of at least passing interest. though we are open we are not of that extreme. one has to be a close friend. a mere friend at the soul level we may intermingle energies a bit, similar to shaking hands. >

<yes, the kundalini does recognize me for what i am an that is why it resonates that and any contact we do we do exchange energies, we just do, for us and others like is it is unavoidable. that is why that time with the other what humans call dolphins in the crystal place, the name would be hard to translate to English so why bother. even just being near to each other we were sharing energy at the slight level, that and you did feel the connection, if one wishes to share that term. Even with the veil in place some soul things will still leak through, especially at the level you are on the path you are on, to use terms and labels.>

....

"are you one of the guides for me?"

<as such, in a way. not properly but a guide for certain things, helping you to start to be more aware of yourself, a certain part of yourself. to help with your awakening, though he (the dolphin guy to use your term) will help in certain things that will come to light soon, some things you have seen, like the treatments, the reason for them and if you will have more or not will come to light soon.>

........
"What about chakra work?"

<that will take care of itself in time, though you may want to do certain things at certain times, that will come to light if needed or as an option either you thinking of it yourself or another suggesting it to you since you can't do all the work yourself, others help also at times.>

.....

<be your true self, see past the conditioning and programing. as you progress you help others. >

....

"how about the dolphin guy?"

<a guide for this phase and perhaps the next. his 'relationship' is special, not a mere guide only. certain clues are there and if you mess putting them together it will come to fruition and you will know one day, soon or maybe not so soon. >

....

"so not going to exactly tell. he may be the soul, oversoul or spirit. once this is over will we merge once I'm an individual soul with soul parent's memories. Sounds like that may sorta complicate our relationship which feels kinda cool to me."

<he is a close thing. and we may merge, I suspect we may at times, and decades or centuries may pass before we unmerge, since as glorious as being 1 will be, being 2 and sharing what we share will be greater. and soul relationships can get complicated indeed. and that does make it more fun for ones such as us. more sexually open and sexual beings, though not to the extreme that some are. any embarrassment and bashfulness is part of the human society conditioning and programming, though that is weakening. it'll weaken and go away over time, just relax, accept and be yourself. your progress will happen naturally and you will merge and awaken fully. it WILL happen regardless, even if you were to totally fight it it would still happen, but would take longer, just go with the flow and it'll be far far more fun. part of being limited to linear time does make one want to do something to make it happen faster. all things will happen in time.>

.........
"so after this phase you'll remain in contact and such?"

<no certainly not. though waiting was not as hard for me as you since your soul is multidimensional meeting the incarnate you was a hard wait but the wait is over and we'll not be separated again. except for certain missions & then only temporarily like now.>

"think you'd like some fun with Shad?" (asked in a silly joking manner)

<the more primal, shadow aspect of yours, the funny/silly idea of yours does have a certain fun appeal, but no, the 2 of you need to continue merging as you are now. after all if the 2 of you had not merged to the degree you had the day we saw each other we would have to had waited longer till you entered the phase where we could meet.>

------------------------

WED  (1-28)

I was watching a video that said it was from someone called asket of the league of light. Wonder if they are tied into the galactic federation of light or a rebel group or a subgroup. She did mention a thing I disagree with, that earth is the home of those here. To me it feels like it's not my home, that I'm just here for a mission. my real home feels, elsewhere, or I may have more then one. perhaps where those dolphins are where there are those crystalline structures that sorta sing, but one quickly gets use to it where they can't here it anymore. or that may be one of several permanent homes I live at for various lengths of time. There may be a mission home I hang out at during a mission, or the soul or higher self/spirit, whatever and I may visit and stay at the dolphin crystal place for various lengths of time.

----------------------
think I'll just not bother to go back to capitalize something that should be if I missed it. I'll correct typos and misspellings, but not missed capitalization if I miss then the first time, to much of a bother.
--------------------

I did mentally say to shad and the dolphins and the dolphin guy if any of them wanted time with me to talk or something it would be ok.
had 2 interesting encounters in the white buffer space thing. is that an aspect of me, some sort of inner space somewhere, or something else? I don't know what or where it is. It is all white and I can make stuff appear there. Though the furniture is always white, never did try to change it's color. Food has color. gravity also only effects me as much as I want. i can lay back on nothing and remain in place. neat.

-----

the 2 encounters I had there were interesting. the first was shad, like happened before, was already there before I got there. We mainly had sex, speaking a bit. though it still felt a bit different. Like for him it was a bit more spiritual also and not physical, or maybe I'm becoming more aware of things. Though at some point I went to sleep so maybe it was for the first time I was able to experience being fully there instead of 10% there and 90% in this body.

First he looked like an anthro dolphin, then switched to a shark, then for the 3rd time back to a dolphin. Then he went off some distance saying he needed to rest and I could see him seemingly go to sleep in the distance.

------
after this the female dolphin appeared and I don't think we said a single thing to each other. it was as if we didn't need to. Though looking back at it later I did get the impression she was thinking something like, the wait is over, now is the first proper time in a while, something along those lines.

We shared our being, in a more soul/spirit sharing type sex. At the time it felt like we had done this very often, we were close enough to not need to talk all the time. Almost as if a lot of time had passed, but also no time at all, since we were last together. She was a dolphin looking form at first, switching to an anthro looking dolphin after a while. I switched to a dolphin form like she had after a bit. No idea how long this lasted that we shared our being, in what some may call a soul/spiritual type sex. it seemed to go on for a timeless amount of time. I did feel the kudalini responding and the usual type experience when souls share some of their very essence. hard to describe.

later after I awoke and had been awake for an hour or so i did send a question to her hoping we could do that again in the future, more then once and when she responded with a (certainly/yes). for some reason i felt, from the mental contact message she sent for some reason sent a wave of pleasure through my body and my kundalini started to resonate for a while.

Then a short time after this i had a 2nd question i sent to her. I asked her that when I am a separate soul with all (I was going to finish saying, of my soul parent's memories what would our relationship be, if it would change) but she interrupted with a: (then I'll have another.) with the same wave of pleasure wash through me from her message and my kundalini responding, for some reason. i got the same when I then kidding and half serious said to her, maybe then we can do a 3 some. I meant her, my soul aspect and myself once I'm a separate soul. I got the impression of her giggling at this, liking the idea and the same wash of pleasure and my kundalini responding. i do wonder why I get these 2 reactions when she contacted me those times.

------------------
I got an idea, not sure if it occurred to me or someone sent me the idea. Perhaps I'll learn more yoga postures and maybe study a bit of tai chi. I do have a small yoga book, and I'm sure I can find some good educational tai chi videos on youtube.

-------
watching a video and felt like the energy they were sending were a sort of fussy warm love type feel to it.

--------------

How to describe what the experience with her was like, the being that looks usually like a type of female dolphin. Sharing one's very being, which is what we did, sharing our very being with each other. Saying what we did was sharing soul/spirit sex isn't close, using the term that my immediate family call sharing is closer, sharing, intermingling energies, that is pleasurable, but the experience with her went far deeper. We didn't merge, wasn't our intent so that didn't happen, but we did share our being.

------------
got a fragment of a memory, don't recall if I was anthro, non anthro dolphin, or a humanoid. Maybe they can change the way they look. I was talking to 2 others, a female and male dolphin. the sky i didn't pay much attention to in the memory, but it didn't look like earth's sky. the water was maybe multi colored I think. I do remember various colors either the water, sky or both. maybe the sky was a darker color then earth, violet or something maybe. Not sure. i was focused on talking to the 2 and didn't fully look at the sky during the conversation.

-------------------------
I was thinking about her. Was she that soul i merged with that one time when I was over wherever that place is that I've projected to all those times? Also did she use to be a part of the same soul that I'm part of but choose to to be a separate soul with all of it's memories?

I also wonder about that dolphin guy. he would not admit to much. We are both aspects of the same oversoul, he is one of my guides for this next phase I'm in, whatever the next phase is, no one's telling me what it is. he did say I'm very close when i asked if he's my higher self, soul, or oversoul.

---------------------------

I AM

Got the idea from a video I watched on youtube.  Still no idea why videos pop up from this or that subgroup of the federation of light, this or that archangel of the federation of light or once the galactic federation.    and apparently I'm working with 1 or more cosmic or multidimensional non earth dolphins.  Cool but no idea why me. Though I am missing something obvious with this and dolphins & cetaceans being so common in my recent mystical experiences.

I'll try to list facts about myself that I think are below or outside the programming & conditioning.

I'm a soul (or whatever the proper term is) that is a multidimensional being with an immortal lifespan.

I'll be able to choose to be an independent soul with all of my soul parent's memories.  Thus both a new & old soul at the same time.

Love/joy is part of my being.

I'm  a sexual being, though sexual in the soul/spiritual upper planes sense, not the human connotations.  and not to the extreme that some upper plane soul are, though i do have some of those as friends.

I'm not an earth soul, though i have visited earth in the past and been a guide once, or so some multidimensional dolphins said.

My soul has incarnated on various worlds, systems, galaxies, not restricting myself to one world, ect, ect.

I came here to experience awakening, as well as anchor some sort of energy for some waves who would come after me.  Though I choose to be very early 2nd wave instead of first since this would take some or a little of the brunt off of the incarnate since he would be my first incarnate on earth.

I have some sort of very very strong connection to multidimensional dolphins.  (cool)

I'm integrating with my shadow aspect who is named Shaddington, nicknamed by me Shad, and he doesn't mind the nickname.  I trust we are still integrating and it has not stopped.

I am still trying to keep going between my thoughts and remain there as well as try to get aware and increase my awareness that I'm not just this incarnation in a human body.  I intellectually know, but as of yet am unable to feel or experience being more, like being the shadow aspect, being the soul with separate aspects I want to integrate with. 

I have no idea how or what to do to increase what I'm doing or if I am doing well and doing the best and fastest I can do.

It seems I've had some sort of very very close special relationship with a soul/being that is usually in a dolphin form.  

Tuesday [1-27]

This was a lucid dream and towards the end the body woke up but part of me was still there so I thought I'd post it in my dream thread and here also. Didn't realize the length of it.

not sure how this one started. From what I can remember it took place in what looked like it had crystalline structures of various colors. Like what i call the soul realms (no idea what it is really or where), where the colors seem alive, & the colors here are pale dead imitations by comparison. I didn't remember much, just a bit, but i did ask if I could have help remembering this as I typed.

As I recall there was a type of ? singing or tone? ? crystal singing? were the crystals singing in a thing you are not aware of unless you really try to listen to it. Like a thing you quickly get unaware of since you feel or hear it all the time.

There was a group of what looked like dolphins before me. I don't recall the exact number and the dialog will perhaps not be in order. and the exact dialog may not be written down right, but the general gist will be correct.

----------------------
I look around and recognize it, some part of me does. "I've been here ? before ?"

One of the dolphins: "this certainly isn't your first time here. You've spend time here on this side of things."
-------------------

Me: "At least some of you are .... sonic ?engineers?, not the exact term. and I do know you somehow." I said, I did feel I knew them somehow but couldn't remember exactly how.

Dolphin:"accessing that bit of your soul knowledge excellent."

----
"i've been here, sometimes for more then short visits. ? long visits? living here for periods of time? Not as a sonic engineer or healer..." I say not exactly sure where i'm going.

another dolphin: "actually you were usually ...." it starts to say but gets the equivalent of an elbow nudge.

another one: "Yes, you have lived here as one of us before."

me looking at that one dolphin that seemed to almost let something slip. "that wasn't really you almost letting something slip was it. it was some sort of test?" i said concentrating on him.

that dolphin: "maybe."

----------------
me: "My soul aspect said it's incarnated on various worlds, doesn't restrict itself to one world, system, galaxy or universe. A wanderer I guess."

Dolphin: "not a wanderer nor a nomad. Usually you go where the mission takes you to. The mission you pick that is. Though no one does just missions all the time."

-------------------------
"and I guess you can look like however you like here?"

Dolphin: "due to where we are and the dynamics and properties of this area/place certainly. These forms are more comfortable to use and many of us have had forms similar to this in most of our incarnations. We're not limited to 1 form or appearance unlike those in the 3rd dimension such as you humans are."


Me: "I'm not a human. I am incarnated in the body of one, but I'm not a human."

Another dolphin: "non assimilation is to be expected. He is not a human soul after all. & this is his first time incarnating as a human."

yet another one: "yes, he's visited earth before, but never incarnated there, till now."

yet another one: "though he has been a guide before to at least 1 person on earth before."
----------------------

I then look at one of the dolphins, feeling a stronger connection and recognition with ? her ? then the others.

"I do know you, a stronger connection then with most of those here." I say to her.

Female dolphin: "you feel our stronger connection. That is a good sign indeed." She says as she comes up to put her hands or flippers on my shoulders (not sure which she did).

me: "You were my mother in at least 1 incarnation".... I say, an image appearing, "not necessarily in a form like this... humanoid, skin not dark blue... light or medium."

female dolphin: "ah, the veil thins. yes, one of the races of sirius."

me: "not always as mother, but in other ways and forms. at least once in bodies that look like yours."

female dolphin: "yes, and at least once I was one of your guides. We've shared many relationships."

--------------
I can see that pretending to almost let something slip being a pre arranged thing. Like one of them saying something like "hey, i'll pretend to let something slip and one of you stop me before I do." and maybe another saying, that won't work, he'll be able to tell. maybe the first one saying something next like, let it be a sort of test.

and that one referring to me as a human. Looking back at the scene I think he did it on purpose, another test perhaps. I say he but except for the one dolphin that did feel female to me, the others I'm not sure, maybe androgynous? Didn't think of it at the time and really it's not important.
-------------------------------
Had another dream this afternoon. It was of a type of mediation I may try. I was mentally saying to myself "I love myself." I've done it before, but I've not felt anything happening. Though the effects may be more below the surface.

Then I did another type, a visualization. In this type of meditation I visualized the different aspects of myself being drawn towards each other, and at the same time there was a circle around the aspects, and as the aspects were drawing each other towards each other. The circle was decreasing in size, also pushing them towards each other.

Not sure what this means, but I'll try these 2. and I'll also try adding them together and saying to myself "I love myself." as I do the visualization, see if anything happens.

-------------------------

I forgot, when I woke up I felt a strong resonating along from the end of my spine all the way to the top of the spine.  Along the entire length.  No idea what was up with that.


i tried the mediation but it didn't seem to do anything.  Also likely unrelated i do feel a pain in my abdominal area, no idea why.  no biggie I guess.

-------------------------------------------

? is the being I called soul aspect really my higher self?  What is the difference between higher self, soul, and spirit. 

? who and what is that dolphin guy to me?

? am I doing perfectly, not to well, or is there a way to progress faster along the path of integrating and fully awakening? 

------------------------------------

Think maybe another impression of a memory popped up. THink I may meditate on this later.

It was about the dolphins I encountered in wherever that place is I mentioned before is. ? I've been a member of them before? Or I spend time as a member of their group at times?

-----------------

I still wonder if all the dolphins in my recent mystic experiences mean anything.  shadow aspect looking like an anthro one.  In the buffer space place I was one.   That dolphin in that white place with crystalline structure.   and videos showing up on my suggested to watch thing including some from galactic federation of light, or I guess certain subgroups of them.  If any of this is meaningful I'm missing it.  No biggie.

---------------------------------------------------

Was being between my thoughts while preparing a small meal when I got a message, I guess it was one.  First it was a mental image of the dolphin saying: "you're missing" then some other male mental voice, or was it the dolphin changing the way his mental voice sounded, whichever it is it finished the sentence, "the obvious."  I went between a short time later and got the same mental image of that dolphin with a mental giggling like he was enjoying some joke i was missing.  then just as i was typing this the same dolphin smiling humorously.  the same one from whatever that white place is with crystalline structures.  Think I got the feeling he can change his appearance to have a more anthro appearance or do that with parts of his body but doesn't usually bother?   I'm still missing the obvious, no biggie, seems someone somewhere is getting a laugh out of it.
--------------

Just had a strange experience while I was eating. I felt a presence appear behind me. I asked Shad if it as him but he said no it wasn't him. I tried to feel the presence, it felt vaguely dolphin shaped, sort of like my ability to feel is very blunt, crude, and not very well done at present. maybe that dolphin I have seen before over there and that sent me the 2 messages? It felt like it had arms. it rested a hand on each shoulder. I felt a strange sensation. Sorta like there is an energy body inside this physical body just below the skin and it shook or part of it shook or that was the sensation. Kundalini did grow warm just after this for a minute or so. then a few minutes after this I felt some sort of energy burst from inside me somewhere and ripple through my body quickly. odd, I wonder what all that was about.

-------------------

Hmm, wonder if this is part of the next phase.  I felt some sort of energy wash or pour in from above and into my body.  It has left me feeling like I'm resonating and feel warmer.   I do wonder what is going on, out of curiosity.

And yet another burst from within that washed over all through my body, more potent then the previous one.
------------------------
I do wonder if my fully awakening, getting to an abiding awakening is not one of the main reasons I'm here, but a side reason that will happen regardless of what I do. If my main reasons for being here maybe are to anchor the energy for the new indigo folks. And maybe to help the collective, so to speak as well.

-----------------

I am also wondering, like I was before, if the one I called soul aspect was that. was he maybe my higher self and the dolphin guy is my soul, or is he my spirit, and what is the difference between higher self, soul and spirit. and just who and what is the dolphin guy, & what is the next phase he mentioned.

---------------------------


Had an interesting thing happen. I was getting ready to lay down to rest or take a nap when Shad said to me "the dolphin dude wants to talk to you next." wasn't expecting that. Wonder if it's symbolic or something Shad telling me instead of the dolphin guy. I did ask Shad if he knew who the dolphin guy was he said he's not telling. I asked, but you do know. He said with a bit of humor to his mental voice, "yes, but I'm not telling."

I then lay down down to rest and mentally said to the dolphin, "If you want to talk to me i do give you permission to either partially pull me out or whatever like you did yesterday, or to do it fully so I can concentrate on our conversation fully. I relaxed and at some point I was in some place just the 2 of us, it seemed an all black place. I'll try to recreate our conversation as much as i can below. he did give a bit more info, but was also being evasive. I may not remember the exact order my questions were in but that is ok.

....................

I look around a bit. "So what is this place?" i ask.

Dolphin guy: "it's an inbetween sort of place."

....................

"I do hope I can remember this for later." I say.

Dolphin: "you'll remember at lest the general gist, which is the important thing." (not sure he may have said part instead of thing.)

.......................

No reason why I asked him if he's of he light, the question just popped out without my knowing why.

Dolphin (giggles a bit as i recall) : "i'm as much of the light as you are." Guess that means he is? I remember, and had forgotten before, no idea when but i asked Shad that, also with no idea of why i did and forgot i had. Shad had answered that he wanted to be of the light.

........................

"So just who and what are you?"

Dolphin: "what do you think and feel?"

.............................

I reached out to touch him with my right hand and feel my kundalini start to resonate as well as my hand. Also faintly like we're mingling energies somehow.

Dolphin: "you can feel your kundalini responding, what does that mean to you?"

.........................

"It recognizes you." I said.
Dolphin: "yes."

......................

"It knows who and what you are." I say further.

Dolphin: "yes."

..................................

"Are we both aspects of the same oversoul?" i ask, figuring I'll not get a clear answer from exactly who and what he is.

Dolphin: "yes."

"are you a guide?" I ask him.

............................

.....He doesn't answer but I get the answer that it's sorta yes/no, he can't really answer that question the way I phrased it.

"are you here to be one of my guides during this next phase thing you mentioned?"
Dolphin: "yes."

...............................

"are you another aspect of me. My oversoul, spirit, soul or something a few steps, or more, so to speak, from me?" I ask.

the dolphin put his hands on my shoulders, or I had the impression he did. maybe he can shapeshift. "you are very close to the truth, closer then you know." he said.

.........................

"are you me?" I ask.

Dolphin does like waving his arms: "All are me." he says. I think meaning everyone is really separate identities of each other, or of the one, depending on how one wants to phrase it.

.....................................

"are you and I going to integrate like Shad and I are doing now?"

Dolphin: "not exactly. Not in the same way that your shadow aspect and you are integrating but we'll eventually do something something similar. But you need to mainly focus on integrating with your shadow aspect. We'll be doing some stuff mainly behind the scenes, so to speak, but you'll know and feel some stuff we are doing at times."

..................................

"You could be an aspect sent by the oversoul specifically to help me during this phase or part."

Dolphin (he smiled mischievously): "I could have been."

...........................

"Will I ever know who and what you are?"

Dolphin: "certainly you will."

................................

"within a year?"

Dolphin: "Maybe, depends."

..........................

"before this incarnation ends?"

Dolphin: "certainly."

..........................

"There is a strong connection of some sort. I do feel some sexual desire with regards to you, but less then with Shad. It could be that that is due to this phase i should focus on integrating on Shad and other stuff takes a secondary roll to that, for now. and right I think that is why my sex desire is currently mainly tied into only other aspects of me."

Dolphin: "That should be your primary focus for now. And you have come across another bit of information concerning me." and he smiles.

do wonder how if I conjure a glass of liquid to awaken me it works. Though I can't taste it much. Or is it just placebo?

--------------------
Also got what i think is a message from the dolphin guy who said he can shapeshift and i got an image of a dolphin that was all silver like a mirror.
------------
maybe being to self critical, thinking I am not any better at going and remaining between my thoughts and when I do think trying to think in the concept or intent rather then using words.


maybe I'll be fully awake eventually regardless of what I do. It may be more of a side effect of what I'm doing and what is being done to me and why I'm here, rather then the main focus. I do hope i will be fully awaken & have a abiding awakening, if the path I'm on is where that'll eventually happen and I'll be as fully integrated as possible.

-------------------
Not sure if what happened is a daydream or not. Shad said it did happen. Sorta odd thing. I was feeling a bit out of it and thought Shad said the dolphin dude wanted me for something, while I was watching The Brony Show Livestream.

I mentally said ok, you can take me out fully or partially if so. I sat back in the chair and relaxed while listening to the brony show and closed my eyes part way through this. It seemed like to me it took less then a minute, no idea how long it really took.

I was somewhere else. I still wonder how can that dolphin guy just have me be partially or fully somewhere else? How does that work?

Anyway I was somewhere where there were some large crystals around me. I had the impression of some ? dolphins ? nearby doing some sort of sonic, or ? singing? and the crystals around me were starting to resonate in response. I was in a ? booth or something with large crystals? I only had a moment to see it since then i saw the dolphin guy from before. For some reason my attention was drawn to his eyes and that is all I could see was just his eyes. He said something like "relax." then the next moment I know I'm in another room.

Looking around I saw a another, but his form was indistinct and I couldn't see it very well. I knew him/her? from somewhere, I knew it. I pointed at the figure saying, "i know you, but why can't I see you very well?"

the figure answered: "The reason you can't see me very well is because....." the figure went on with an explanation for a sentence, but I can't recall that was said. Then I was back in this body fully wondering if that really happened or I just daydreamed it. Shad said it really happened and I'd have another treatment later, that was just a short one.

Strange. What happened, if it did happen and why? What sort of being can pull folks partially or fully where they are. Partially I guess is since I'm multidimensional. But how does he pull me partially or fully there and what kind of being an do that. And why is Shad the one who tells me when he wants to see me and the dolphin guy doesn't contact me. I think a few minutes later my body did start to slightly resonate. My lower half of the body more then the upper half for some reason. Odd, if it did happen. Though before it happened I was mentally out of it and afterwards I was mentally alert in less then a minute. So I'll just have faith whatever it was did happen.

----------------------

Sunday (2)  1-25

Very interesting experiences I've had today. I do wonder what they mean. I also wonder what that all white bright white crystalline place really is, is it a plane or something. Also is the male dolphin there, or he looked pretty much like a dolphin, as i said above, is he a guide of mine, a guide of my soul aspect, some immediate family member, some aspect of mine?

Wonder if the reason Shad looks like an anthro dolphin and was in the buffer space a sign his vibration is higher then it was before, and or if we've absorbed some traits from each other, or we have integrated past a certain point so his appearance changed and he get go to the buffer space anytime he wants.

-------------------------

 Hmm, wonder if it's chance or not. But on youtube lately sometimes there have been short videos popping upon my what to watch that are I guess channeled messages to different people who post messages that say they are from something called the galactic federation of light. Sometimes they'll add into the title this or that group. I've watched a few of them. not sure if someone is trying to give me a message of some sort. If I had to guess what the message is I'd guess either I have some connection to whatever the galactic federation of light is, and or one of the sub groups, or since the messages have been mainly positive, that I'm doing well and continue as I'm doing. or if it's multiple messages.

-----------------------------------


I was thinking of the dolphin. I do wonder if he is another aspect I don't know of, higher self, soul or spirit. I don't know if the 3 are interchangeable or not. Just like what I've been calling my soul aspect, is that what it is, or is it one of the other 2, spirit or higher self, and just what is the difference between those 3?

There is some connection there, kinda annoying and that I feel it like the tip of my tongue, and there is some connection there. Not a weak connection, maybe a strong one, a medium one?

Also why do dolphins and cetaceans keep popping up recently. Not that I mind, just curious. if it is symbolic, or means something.

--------------------------

Went to the white space, still don't feel like I'm there much when I am there. Felt like I was less there then before. Guess I'm loosing my awareness and getting worst. Shad was there before I was there. The encounter left me a bit of a discomfort in my throat that is pretty quickly passing and i was feeling like i was resonating all over my entire body. I lost the experience and was fully here. Though with the feeling of resonating all over and all through my body and the slight discomfiture in my throat. But as I type sentence, taking over 5 attempts to get the typos out. It feels basically back to normal.

-----------------------

Interesting I tried to do the light body activation and crystal chakra cleansing. it seems Shad was effected as well, more strongly then I was. Funny thing was during the guided meditation he gave a running commentary. During part of it i did feel like this body was resonating, but Shad, who felt like he was very close, behind and to one side, felt like he was resonating even more strongly then I was. I think from his commentary he liked it. During part of it he hugged me which got me to start resonating again. Overall an interesting experience. Extra benefit that he was there, as well as liking it and having some sort of beneficial effect on him. His commentaries added a lot of humor to the experience. ;)
------------

 ------------------
Can't edit the encounter I had in the white space before this entry. I forgot to put in that he gave me what looked like a fish to eat. It looked like a normal fish, but had no bones. He said it as a purgative. guess to help remove some negative stuff. Also he looked like he was a dark color, then changed to have more of the coloring close to that of a common dolphin. I was able to briefly switch viewpoints to see through his eyes, he didn't seem to mind my doing that. I did that and saw I was an anthro dolphin that was mainly a dark black sorta color, but had some white on. the Black seemed to come to a point on the sides of the chest, so to speak. Don't recall the rest of the pattern. I'd say from my memory overall I was half white and half some dark maybe black color. It was some very dark color. Though in an interesting pattern.    I could have been indigo or midnight blue or some other very dark color like that.


I tried to make food appear and at the same time it was a fish and angel food with vanilla frosting, like it was multi dimensional and had the same looks both at once. I'm less aware maybe since both had no taste to me.

-------------------

More soul memories, or am I tapping into some data files? No idea where this is coming from.

The large ships, or many ships leaving some world. yesterday got a bit more from the stabilizing the nuclear furnace of a star. stellar engineers. One thing they can do is delay or lengthen a star's life by a certain amount, say by a million years or less, and it can be done for a number of reasons, like a promising race given more time to get up to interstellar travel technology, or other reasons. it takes a certain number of ships positioned at certain points around a star... not sure if details nor where any of this is coming from.

Non human figures, but I still can't clearly see them, though some have eyes that are a bit larger then humans and a bit farther apart.

? dolphin or dolphin type beings with some sort of sonic technology? can shapeshift?

I was also thinking that I've not lost the love/joy and the feeling of love being sent from somewhere. It's a natural part of me that I don't realize it. Though i do get other emotions too that are at times on top of this.
-----------------------
I wonder how long till I get into 5d fully. and how long till I"m fully awake.
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