Sat [2-28]

I do wonder if Sam was another shadow aspect a lesser one. Not sure if i have multiple lesser ones. I guess Sam may have decided to fully integrate with me so he's not round as an aspect but is fully part of me, instead of like Chad who's an internal aspect. at least for now. He won't always be one, as mentioned in above posts. Also not sure if they are all external or some are internal. Last night I did ask Chad if he'd help me to integrate any other shadow aspects if there are any. I think he refereed to them as lesser or minor? I think he had one come by last night so I could integrate it. Though if so it didn't become an aspect, or not one I'm consciously aware of, and was pretty indistinct since I didn't' really get a mental image of what it looked like, just a vague thing.

===============================

I was also thinking of the thing my twin said a day or 2 ago, concerning our making another soul and my desire to do so that popped up , as I mentioned above, through our sharing our love, intimacy and, affection, ect while having soul/spirit sex (and as mentioned Chad does want this done to him too, his being 2nd.) She mentioned either some or most of the other pod members were created this way. maybe some are the products of twin flames, being external aspects of souls that are say 7D+ and some maybe the products of some pod members creating new souls. Say if I and Dan or Stan, me & green sister or Dan or Stan and green sister, of if a group of say 3 or more got together to do this. Though i may be wrong.

========================

I read what Leonard Nemoy tweeted as his last tweet. still not sure exactly what tweeter is. I found his last tweet touching.

"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP"

The weird thing is, I thought a bit after I read this and some other people's reaction that i heard his voice in my head saying, "I'm still around, just not there." I'm use to unusual things happening with me due to the various spiritual/mystic stuff happening, but this is by far really out there. If it were really him why would he contact me like that. not like we are connected in any way.
===============


Did a bit of a humor with my twin, asking her in a joking manner, "you wanna fool around with a human." and her semi serious semi not serious reply, "you're not a human." I find it funny at least.

===============

As I was drifting off to sleep I felt like something inside me shifted or clicked and it felt like some energy of some kind was coming into me, or the energy body, but like it couldn't hold any more but more was sort of waiting to enter into me, but was not able to since this energy body, or something, wasn't able to hold more. I woke up to much the same feeling as well as a slight resonating all over my abdominal area and the 1st energy center of the light body. And maybe a very slight sorta resonating through out the rest of the energy body, but that very slight resonating felt a bit different.

====================

I did the 8th meditation. The 3rd light body energy center didn't feel like it responded as much, but maybe it's either cause I just started working on it, or I'm less sensitive to it. Though I did feel some stuff. I felt more on the first 2.

I did feel like something, stabilized, a foundation or something was set or a stable foundation was set inside the abdominal. Not sure where. Or what it means exactly. maybe a good sign. I also felt a slight type of resonance in the rest of the energy body. though a different type or resonance then usual. hard to describe.    also like usual I got hot during it and was thirsty at the end.

------------------------------------

I do wonder if once I get to parts 5 and 6 of this course if I'll be able to project or not. or if I'd have to try astral projection techniques, would those even work on light body projection. That that is months away in any case. Just curious.

------------------

I also wonder if doing things this way will while I won't have much contact with the pod, guides ect, if it'll lead to me being more stable then I have been before in recent months.
=====================

I did the 8th meditation again. i felt some pain on one side near the area of the 2nd LB energy center, like slashes. I focused on sending that are love and saying I accept it unconditionally. it seemed to work but it took more then a few to do that. immediately I felt much more resonance in my abdominal area. as usual I'm a bit warm and thirsty. feeling a bit over warm is a nice change since it is chilly for me here. I also got the feeling of an area in my abdominal area. The feeling is one of stability, a good foundation? not sure if that makes any sense but I get the impression of that. Also towards the end of the meditation I got the mental image of 2 robed figures around me with their arms raised up. not sure if there was a 3rd behind me or not. I couldn't see them with very much detail. I felt no fear from them nor did I inside myself. Just my curiosity. I also have a bit of a pressure headache inside my head, that I can't localize.

==================

I think with qi gong I'll aim for learning enough forms from youtube so if i do each form at the proper slow speed It'll take 15 minutes. If I get more that is ok. My goal is 15 since i figure if i want a 30 minute qigong session i can just repeat the session a 2nd time. If I get more then 15 minutes that is ok. I may then try for tai chi short form maybe.

---------
I was thinking I may have 3 soul parents, former soul, current soul and maybe current soul's twin flame (though i thought she was at first one of his soul parents. Former soul i may have gotten dolphin, orca from current soul and maybe dragon from his twin. Though I asked and got a faint answer of 4, the 3 I know & 1 I don't. I asked who and what was the 4th and all I got was I'd find out later. Hmm.

I can see the mistake I may have made. Current soul may have had a dragon or dragon hybrid parent and a twin flame who's a dragon or dragon hybrid too.

I wonder if this love I feel inside me is that part of my essence, this me here, higher self, the soul I'm an external aspect of, my twin, or a mix of these and more perhaps?

Friday [2-27]

I got to wondering today, with chad's comment of I want to be 2nd, when I was thinking yesterday of creating a soul with my twin, if we do as chad wants then we'd be quintuple flames, if that is possible. That would maintain the balance of an even number of males and females. i do wonder since chad is a former shadow aspect of mine, not sure if he still counts as one, since he's an internal aspect. i wonder if the soul Twin and I will be making one day is my twin's shadow aspect or former shadow aspect, like chad is to me.

I then go to thinking. the female soul who contacted me those few times, and is at least partially or mostly dragon. I had assumed that she was one of my current sou's parents. could she be that or maybe my current soul's twin, and she did say i am of her lineage, so some of her energy was used. Was it done in a similar fashion to how my twin and I will create a soul that we will, assuming our daughter to be is an aspect of my twin, or if we create chad as a son of ours.

Does that mean I didn't just split off from my old soul, but I also was created, at least in part, by current soul and his twin. I could have 3 parents if I'm guessing right. Old soul, current soul, and current soul's twin. which makes me wonder if old soul has a twin flame. I had no hint of that.

or is she old soul's twin, or both old and current? Not sure. In searching my feelings for her, if I am reaching at the soul level, it is stronger love then the regular love for all souls that I feel or for fellow external aspects like Dan and Stan. maybe twin soul once removed, or something like that? Instead of just a sort of love for a grandmother? if any of that makes any sense.

Since as odd as it may sound I do think i feel a sort of different sort of love towards Stan and Dan as to say green sister or a regular pod member or if I had a soul friend. Though green sister it is very close to the same as for Stan and Dan, maybe a soul sister in fact. Though it maybe is a bit complicated or odd sounding.

=============================

Did the first meditation for the 2nd half. Felt the resonating for the first 2 light body energy centers. didn't feel as much for the 3rd one, but I did feel some. Not sure if it'll take time, if I'm having a few off or partially off days, or this is normal.

============

I was also thinking earlier. I've read some who say everyone eventually merges back with source. Either you finish your incarnating and do so since there is nothing else to do or you work your way up to say 13d and then merge.

I may be wrong but I don't think everyone necessarily does merged with source. I think some may never do so. Some sure. Some may have that as their soul goal. Work their way up the dimensions til they get to where source is, if you want to use that terminology. Though we are already part of source so no need to work our way up. Just go within yourself and source is already there. Everyone is already a part of source.

Though as I said some may have that as their goal, or may for now. But I think most, if not every soul, will eventually reach a point they really like doing certain things and may just cruise along, enjoying doing those things. Adding new things here and there and maybe doing older things less and less, though some older things one will continue to do regularly, and some one may do now and then or on a semi regular basis.

some souls may really enjoy incarnating, and may prefer say 3d or 4d worlds and once a world shifts up past that may stick around for a bit then move to a new world, and so on. Others may stick with just 1 world for good, and others may either never incarnate or may just get to where they dislike it. Others may incarnate now and then.

Some may shift back and forth. say they enjoy being with the 6d pod, (assuming the pod where I'm a member is 6d) and you are say now 7d . You can either make a new body or shift to 6d, not sure which is possible or would be preferred, and experience 6d again for a while. Then either let the body dissolve and go back to 7 or 8d. or keep say a tenth of 1 percent of yourself in the body so it doesn't dissolve and keep it in say a room of a dwelling, either your own, or one you share with another or others.

I think some places like where the pod is someone manifesting to hang out with the pod or the area, or keeping a body you use sometimes, would be ok and some do that. But other places, maybe very dense places it may be either exceedingly hard, or it's not done since say earth is not for that. Though on earth I think it's a mix of it would be very hard since it is so dense here, but also earth is not a place to allow that to happen on a soul's whim. Some other places, say where the pod is, I feel that is ok to do there. And that some do. either just manifest to either hang out with the pod, wonder around the area, do some business here or there. or they may keep a body with the tenth of 1 percent or less and keep the body asleep somewhere when they are not using it much.

============================

I was thinking. It may be another mechanism to create a soul if twin flame and I do it while expressing our love and intimacy for each other through/while having what some would call soul/spiritual sex, though that term I don't like, I prefer the pod term sharing, though that is a broad range term that can cover mingling energies lightly, soul/spiritual sex, or more perhaps.

--------------

I think us creating a new soul during our soul/spiritual sex would make the soul different then if we just made on while sitting beside each other. Perhaps ensuring the soul would be a twin flame to both of us and maybe they would know love naturally. Not sure how to put what I think into words. English seems inadequate. I was mediating on this earlier today to see if there is a difference and the desire flared up full again, so I'll not go to try to find out the info again. Luckily it is slumbering again. It was quick to go back to slumbering since I did say the honest reason, i want to wait till I'm more aware, 5d or 6d and can project back to where the pod is consciously, at a minimum, or after this incarnation is over and I've gone through any rehab, if I will need to. I also contacted Twin to talk to the desire to since I figured if both of us were honest it would go back to partially slumbering again. I do feel Chad wants to have us (my twin and me) for him also, rather then me just making him an external aspect or me merging with twin and making him an external aspect to us both.

I am also curious, if Chad wants this, does this mean the desire is my twin's former shadow aspect who wants it also? And would the 2 of them, her shadow aspect and Chad, be twin flames for each other and for the 2 of us? I think my twin says yes, if we do create them using that method. Chad has said before that he would prefer to have both of our memories if he can. I don't blame him, if I were in his position, I'd want to be created as a new/old soul using that same method and would want the memories of both of my soul parents.

==============================

Gets me to thinking, can the 4 of us really be twin or quintuple flames, true flames, maybe is a better term? and what if the 4 of us got together to have some .... and with the intent to create a soul or to that way. Or if say 2 pairs or more then 2 pairs of twin flames come together to do that and make souls. More things to ponder now and then and find out one day.

=========================

I did the 7th meditation again.  I didn't feel much, though I did feel the resonance from his voice going to the various light body energy centers.  So I guess that is something.  Don't have to have wow moments to have progress. 

===================

I feel a constant slight resonance all over the energy body thing.  I wonder if that is significant.  Though it feels strongest in the first 3 light body centers.

================

I asked Twin if we did make the female soul like I mentioned before and Chad also, using the soul/spirit sex method to make them while expressing and experiencing our love for each other, if they would be twin flames with only each other or us. I felt they would be twin souls with us and each other. Though their relationship with us may be the slightest bit different. Twin said that they would be twin flames with both each other and us as well. I like the idea of that. Chad does as well. I can tell since he me the mental image of us kissing while I could barely feel his hands on my behind and pressure on my lips. Guess that is his way to say he likes the idea as well. Though I couldn't see what he looked like. No biggie. ----

I guess my light body is progressing nicely.  or is it that I already have a light body and this is awakening or activating it from it's dormant state or something? 

I do wonder if I have any other shadow aspects or just minor ones and if I do how long it would take to integrate them or have them become internal aspects.  Guess I'll eventually find out.

---------------------------

Thursday [2-26]

Was thinking of that strong desire, though less strong, to create at least 1 soul with twin flame. No idea why it popped up, but I mentioned in a previous post about that. 

I decided to try something.  I sent a mental message of "can you wait till I'm fully back with the pod and this incarnation is over?" I got a female voice saying <yes.> I was surprised, I didn't expect any sort of reply.  then thinking maybe they were disappointed, though the voice didn't feel like it was, then said, "Though if I can get fully awake and aware and able to project fully back where the pod is, and if Twin flame is willing I may or would perhaps be willing then.  I got <ok.>  by fully awake and aware I mean if the pod are 6d, I mean fully 5 or 6d, and able to project fully to where the pod is and if twin is willing.  I got a short time later from Chad, <cool, I'll have an older sister.>  I guess as a result I can feel the desire there, but it's sorta partially slumbering, if that makes any sense.  much less then it was but the feel of being partially slumbering.  I guess when certain conditions are met it'll flare back full force. 

Makes me wonder. if it's a special experience being the soul child or a soul created by 2 twin flames.  and if many pod members were created in a similar way, or just created by other pod members.

=====================================

 That may be why the desire popped up so strongly. didn't think of that, but we would be triple twin flames. neat idea.

Can't do that now since i can't project there. I wonder if when I finish the awaken the light body course if I'll be able to project, including project where the pod is, if they are 6d. No idea what d the light body is of. I can't astral project so how could I light body project. how does one light body project.

I do get the feeling from my twin that she is willing and wants to like I do, but like me wants to wait till I'm more aware and awake. i guess at least 5d, maybe preferably 6d. & since I can't astral project and have no idea how to light body project, if that is even possible, we'll have to wait till this incarnation is over. No biggie .
==============================

 I meditated on it briefly and if my twin flame and I were to create a soul, wither we did so the regular way or did it while/through soul/spirit sex the new soul would be a twin flame to us both, like you mentioned. if the soul choose to recall/keep both of our memories then the new/old soul would be us merged. Though they would start to have their own experiences and would likely change. but the would remain twin flames to us both.

I guess like if say Stan, Dan, and I were to make a soul, it would likely be an external aspect of the soul we're an external aspect of since we are all, and it would be from our energy.

======================

Wonder what that experience would be like, the 3 of us being twin flames to each other.

===========

I did the 3rd meditation again. Didn't seem to get as much out of it as the first time. I felt only a very slight resonance on both of the first 2 light body energy centers, and as for feeling the light body or whatever the energy body is, I did feel it, but less so. not sure if I'm less sensitive, or I've grown more use to the way it feels so i feel it less. and as for the slight resonating of the first 2 light body energy centers, that could be due to what whoever did yesterday, maybe its an off day today for me, or other reasons.

===============

I did the sub personality meditation again.  This time I decided to pick 2 sub personalities, my true soul self and inner child.  then at the last second I added in a 3rd sub personality, the human self.  No idea why that popped in but I decided to go with it.  For the circle of personalities I decided to make the circle much larger, taking into account both the soul I was part of sub personalities, aspects, parallel, past lives ect, as well as that of the current soul that I'm part of sub personalities, aspects, past, parallel lives, ect. 

I felt very relaxed, very hot, and for most of it like pinpricks or something in in my face.  I sorta felt the energy body.  I don't feel very different.  Maybe i did it wrong, or it'll take time for any change to be noticed to me and to be incorporated, ect.  Not sure.

---------------

Triple flames, or triplet flames, I'm sure it's happened before. 

----------------------

I wonder if I've changed at all in the past week I've been doing this course, though a week may be to soon to tell.

Tomorrow I start the 2nd part of the course. I would guess it focuses on the 3rd light body energy center and likely all 3. No idea what else it'll cover.

As i was laying down to rest a bit ago I noticed part of my abdominal area seemed to be slightly resonating, I think around the first 2 light body energy centers. During the healing the inner child I decided to go for multiple things self confidence, self image and being a smooth communicator (to see if I can help with my minor stuttering). I felt some slight spots of pain, like slashes so to speak. during part of this, and like most of my abdominal was resonating a bit. Then towards the end I felt a spot or 2 of tightness inside. I tried to get the area to relax, send it love and light and that seemed to help it go dissolve or go away. But it may be a sign of something I may need to work on, or just that what I did worked and I'd need time to integrate the change or notice the change in me.

i was feeling a bit lonely, I guess since the Thursday rpg was canceled due to the gm having stuff to do.

on a more light note i was thinking of (and lightly meditating) what would it be like if twin flame and I made a soul and the new or new/old soul would be a twin flame to both of us, a triple flame? that may mean a new experience for everyone, and I think we'd both do it out of our love for each other. Not sure if he was being humorous, serious or a bit of both but Chad did say he'd want to be 2nd.

Forgot but before or after this i briefly did mediate on hugging Chad and us sharing love.

====================
Also did masturbate briefly, i say briefly since with the erotic thoughts and images my twin started sending me it didn't' last long.

=====================

I am looking forward to starting the 2nd half of the first part of the awaken your light body course. not sure if I've benefited, I think i have. not sure if any have noted any changes, though as I said before a week may not be enough time. I wonder what it'll be like by march 15, when I've finished and done certain meditations a number of times since I'll be fully finished with the course on Wednesday. My plan is to pick out certain meditations to repeat and redo them till around the 15th then maybe buy the next course. Then pick some meditations from this 1st part that I may do a few times over the time I'm doing the 2nd part of the 6 part course.

=================

I do wonder if my whole reasons to be here is to fully awaken as a human to my full soul self, or as much as i can in the time I have left. And to anchor the energies for the new indigo. As well as dealing with the issues I need to deal with to help with my awakening and being more of my true self.

Is there other reasons I came here, or was that sorta messed up when i became a hybrid and switched to becoming an external aspect of the current soul I am of?

And what is my soul heritage and such. Being part cetacean type of being, maybe dragon and reptilian or other things as well, or is some of that past/parallel lives original soul and maybe current soul had/have?

I feel I get lonely at times since, unless I'm wrong, at the soul level I'm not so use to being totally alone when I'm with the soul family. i do spend time alone there maybe, or old soul did. maybe more then average, but not totally.

at the soul level am I use to more of companionship and such then here on earth. Though feel sorta odd saying being a new/old soul since I've never lived at the pod place, but it's my home. sorta neat, but odd being a new/old soul.

Will I be allowed to not incarnate if I don't want to. Not sure if I'm deluded, or tapping into my soul self but this me doesn't feel like it wants to incarnate anymore. Old soul did for specific missions. But this new/old me feels like incarnating isn't really my thing. is that at the soul level or not?

once I'm with the pod, once this incarnation is over, will it feel like home, will I remember places, or will it be a new place that I have to get use to, or both?

why are there dolphin and orca like beings that live in a higher dimension, when there are dolphins and orcas on earth?

Why did higher self look like an anthro shark that one time, though fuzzy and indistinct, and why the mischievous look, or I felt he had a mischievous look to him,though I couldn't see him very well, being indistinct.

I wonder of current soul as more then 3 aspects, counting me. I wonder what adjustments it had to do when it suddenly acquired a new external aspect. and what it thinks of the whole thing.


=============

I saw a video, black and white, that had Jane Roberts in it, and she was channeling Seth, neat.

====================

why at the soul core, if that is what it is, do i feel, love, happiness (or is it joy), sexual feelings, pleasure, needing to be alone at times, but also companionship and affection too. Sharing sex, but not with just anyone, just those one is close to, or feels close to and are open to it. that is if I did touch the soul core.

WED [2-25]

I guess the reason Shad changed his name to Chad could be 1 of 2 reasons. He just wanted to, or I became a new soul, a hybrid, so that may mean he changed too. Or another reason could also be as an internal aspect he changed.

I do wonder what about me changed that I felt and commented on in a previous post. No biggie.

I think Chad will eventually, when I'm back home, want to try being an external soul. I think he'd like that. He may eventually go independent or may remain an external aspect, or he may sorta do both. Go independent for a while then go back to being an external aspect, ect, back and forth.

Some souls do enjoy experiencing as sleeping incarnations. So the soul itself could grow from say 3-4 and onwards, but they really do like to focus on incarnating as sleeping incarnations. Moving on to another worlds when the current one gets up past a certain point. assuming the earth is an actual planetary soul, which I feel is true, and a soul memory I remembered weeks ago that I did put into a yourspace.

Others may remain with just 1 world, with the occasional foray off,and some won't even do that, evolving with the world.

Others go to different worlds, not restricting themselves to 1 world, system, or even 1 universe in some cases.

and some souls incarnate for a time and stop.  Others that are in a situation like mine, may find they just don't have any interest in incarnating and don't.  Or may do so only very rarely for specific reasons. 

-------------------------

I also, think I forgot, had a brief experience last night of being hugged and my behind fondled while a fuzzy sorta image that sorta resembled an anthro short said something like, "I'm an aspect you're not yet aware of dear." or something like that.

Got me to thinking. it could be either as aspect that was always there but may bubble to the surface now that I'm growing and learning spiritually as a soul. Also it may be an aspect of mine gotten since I'm a new/old soul an aspect of a new soul, like I said before. Maybe a part of the meditation that I did a few days ago where I merged them into myself. Who knows how many aspects I have from both the original soul I was part of before, and the new soul I'm an external aspect of now. part of being a new/old soul and a hybrid instead of a pure soul.

----------------------------------

Some seem to think that there'll be a reveal of sentient aliens will suddenly happen at once in the near future. Though I think this is unlikely since that would cause trauma and chaos and such since most of human society and religion are not ready. I think it would be a more gradual thing. Say in processes like revealing that mars and certain non sol system words have the building blocks of life. as do meteors that have crashed into the earth or are examined in space. Then maybe there are fossils of single celled life on mars, and then evidence through color spectrography that there is evidence of live on these non sol worlds. and this would be gradual over decades. maybe longer.

Not sure how the first contact would be done that there are sentients out there. The least traumatic may be sort of listening in on some alien tv shows or something like that. Or maybe reveal that aliens once visited earth 4 or 5 thousand or more years ago.

The first aliens revealed would be the most human looking. the slightly less so.

At least this is how I think it would make the most sense. It's how I would do it, slowly over say 200 years or a thousand maybe. Also introducing the idea of positive aliens into fiction. Though that would be done anyway by the creative. But maybe put in some real races that really exist here and there.

============================

I had an interesting experience as I lay down before getting up. Some resonance energy being pumped into my energy body, the first 2 chakras and light body energy centers, heart, and the kundalini channel.

I think it's better to focus on the first 3 energy centers of the light body instead of doing all 7. Things and more emotionally should be more stable then doing all 7 at once. That would result, in maybe what I've been experiencing, with highs and lows, what could be extreme jumps at times.

================================

After I lay down I had another experience. guess it was my higher self, not sure. it said to embrace my soul heritage. I felt a pleasure/sexual pleasure that was pretty high with a high sex drive. it said to look past those feelings and what did I feel. i said it felt right. and it said to embrace my sexual nature since I'm a sexual being and that is our soul heritage. I said i had already and it said I had taken a first step already, and to continue doing as i had done. not sure why it emphasized that, or mentioned that. afterwards the pleasure/sexual pleasure went poof and my sex drive went down to normal, at the moment very low. Though since I'm about to head out that may be why.

It also , or someone, put tendrils or something into my abdominal area and i felt very high resonating going to the 2 light body energy centers, and to an extent maybe the 3rd one and maybe the chakras were involved too, not sure, just the first 2 or 3 though. I've not gone to the 3rd light body energy center yet. then something was plugged into my spinal area and it felt like some sort of energy was put into the kundalini channel to widen it. at first there was a tightness which i said to relax, after a few times it worked and it was widened to about 3 inches or a bit wider.


and either chad or my higher self did tell me when it was 5:30, well whichever one said to look at the clock & I saw it was 5:30.  I did thank both of them for that.

==============================

Had a conversation with Higher self, a very brief one. I said that i want to learn more of my soul heritage.

higher self said something like, don't recall the exact words, <you'll learn most of your soul heritage as they are revealed to you as you uncover most of it as you become more aware of yourself, continue to grow....>

"Will you (by you i meant plural, higher self, soul I'm an external aspect of now, some other aspects of soul (i guess my soul siblings, Dan and Stan being brothers I guess).

<we'll teach or tell you some of it, but it is more meaningful if you uncover most of it yourself.>

I think what i meant by soul heritage was my aspects that I'm aware and not aware of, paralled/past lives soul I was had, current soul has/had, other aspects of current soul, current soul's parents, ect.

---------------------

I was thinking about something that happened a day or 2 ago. No idea why. I suddenly got a strong desire to some day create a soul with my twin flame, and experience it as soul/spiritual sex. weird. no idea why. I asked her if that is even possible. Maybe more then 1 soul, over time.

She said it was indeed possible for us to do that, though she would not be pregnant. I guess unlike earth dolphins and orcas would be. She added a comment, some of the pod members have been created that same way. or did she say most, I don't recall. It was either some or most. No idea why that desire popped up like that. I still feel it there. odd/weird. No idea why it's still there.

Maybe create with others also, over time, but less of a desire then with her. No idea why. though any soul made will get to choose if it wants to have any parent's soul memories, some, none, the one of 1 parent, ect. Weird feeling to suddenly pop up a day or so ago, I forget it then remember the experience. 

Tuesday [2-24]

Had a similar experience. I guess this time, and maybe last night, was higher self. This time it felt like from behind it reached around to put a hand on the middle of my chest. I had the impression of it/him smiling. I had the feelings of love/contentment/pleasure. While I was eating. Then it felt like it took the hand off for a bit Then it put the hand back on my chest. this time I stopped eating to put the food down to experience the experience, give in to the experience.

It felt like before, love/contentment/pleasure/and sexual pleasure, but this was to a lesser extent. It also felt like I was resonating. The resonating was all over the energy body, I guess the light body. It also felt like the resonating was stronger on the 2nd chakra, and the first light body energy center, and to a lesser extent the 2nd light body energy center. then as i was typing the above I got the impression/feeling of him/her standing right behind me peering over my shoulder as a hand was placed on the shoulder of whatever energy body and similar feelings came through me. It feels like the feelings either are all through me or maybe they come from somewhere in my chest, or it could be both. Maybe the heart center, not sure if it is heart chakra, heart center of the light body, or both. Though I've not been working on the light body energy center, that is not till the 2nd course of awakening your light body. I'm still on the 1st course.

the feelings did feel fantastic.

I got the impression just now that maybe it as stimulating both the chakra and light body heart centers. I did ask if this would count as sharing, soul or spirit sex. it said no, think of this as a bit of a taste or hint of what it will be like later on when we do, if we do. though smiling from him/it. It's sure we'll both decide to when the time comes to choose, and afterwords of course we can choose to do so regularly.

Still could not see it clearly. Though it was anthro. And the aftereffects do feel fantastic, down to the core of my being. Hard to describe. diffidently the right thing we did. there is the lingering great feeling, love and pleasure. I'm quite sure at the soul level if this wasn't right I'd not be feeling like this at this point, or during it. The feelings did grow stronger when I, surrendered to the experience and enjoyed, experienced it.

==========================================
I did the next mediation 6. I looked in the pdf manual and it says to wait till I've done all the meditations at least once and week has passed, which would be Thursday i think. But I think I'll wait till Friday to start 7. Tomorrow and Thursday I'll pick from the previous 6 and maybe do 3-4 of them over the next 2 days. I'll do 7 on Friday. if I do 1 a day that way I should finish a week from tomorrow. Then I'll do a week or 2 where I'll do them again. If I do 1 or 2 meditations a day I'll do a different one each time and go through the meditations once or twice before I think of getting the next part.

-----------------
I did feel some tingling as I did the guided meditations, though not as much as before. maybe it's an off day, and or what higher self, or whoever that is, did may have done some work in those 2 areas again last night a bit and more this morning. Though it seems it bypassed the 3rd energy center, doing the first 2 and the heart.

------------------------

I did the 6th mediation a 2nd time.  This time I felt more tingling and resonance, especially towards the end.  It was more then just in the first 2 energy centers of the light body towards the very end.  Towards the very end it was my whole abdominal area, including what I guess is the area of the 1st energy center and to a slightly lesser extent the whole energy body.  My guess is even if I got the location wrong, the energy knows where to go, or the energy body knows what to do, or both and it goes to the right place, as is my intent, even if I visualize the wrong spot. 


Felt like towards the end the meditative trance was medium or deep.

Almost forgot to put in here, that towards the end and now, I feel different somehow, like something in me has changed somehow. For the better, but not sure what has changed.    I am curious what it is.

=====================

I'm still not sure what has changed about me.  Something positive is changed but I'm not sure what. 

I was doing a meditation earlier, a brief relaxing one.  Felt like my abdominal area was resonating  Then it felt like someone started pumping energy into that area as well as the heart energy center, and also the energy body. 

========================================

I wonder if the reason I have a higher self now is the soul I'm part of now, an external aspect of, and me have gone past the initial assimilation or adjustment process of our new relationship.

I curiously asked new higher self if he'd be interested in sharing at any point and he said yes, once we're both equals. Then we can share and have fun of the sex spiritual soul sex type regularly if we both still want to and he's sure we'll both still want to.

I asked not because I was in the mood, but just out of curiosity to see what he'd say.

=========================================

I asked Chad if he is ok being an internal aspect of mine as I meditated on hugging him earlier today, and he said he can go external for short periods of time. I guess due to my development level in some area.

I don't blame him for going external at times. if he can at times, why not. Not sure where he hangs out. upper astral maybe, or with the pod maybe? I think he went to visit Dan since it felt like yesterday or the day before that he was talking to me and beside me, went into me I guess then dan briefly was here and left, or something.

Not putting myself down, or feeling bad about myself, but if he can go external for short periods of time and visit the upper astral, Dan or the pod, why not. That is if i understand what he means by what he said.   Not sure how often he does this, maybe not to often.  Think he said not often.   As I recall he looked somewhere anthro dolphin like.

===============================

Monday [2-23]

Did the 4th mediation (5). Not sure why these always leave me feeling thirsty afterwards, even if I do drink water before I do the meditation. This one was on healing the inner child. I may need to listen to this one and the previous one often over the next few or 6 months or so. I picked an incident with how my grandmother, who raised me, would act at times. I did look back at that and how she'd act a month or so ago and then, like now, I assume it was her shadow aspect controlling her at times, and or fighting her. I may try to listen to that mediation twice more today, if not i will listen to it again tomorrow and maybe Wednesday, to get the groundwork done. I can think of 2 incidents maybe that may be ok to do.

I did feel slight tightness in the abdominal area. I think it was slight since the sub-personality I picked first in yesterday in the previous mediation affected the inner child. Healed it to a good extent and this was more like fine tuning, focusing on a certain thing & that was general overall.

When she said to send light from the higher self into the area to fill it with light now that that was cleared it did feel like some of the minor knots loosened and were dissolved. Like maybe there are a few even fainter ones left. I may visualize doing the bit from yesterday and send the circle of sub personalities light from an ascended master and love from me as well and see if that will help.

I didn't get a very good look at my higher self in this mediation. i did try to look outside myself since she did go silent for periods of time so one could do inner dialog and feel out how this felt. It did hug me from behind. As I recall the body I had, looked androgynous. Couldn't see it to well either. The higher self did have what looked like a dorsal fin. Not sure if was a dolphin's or an orcas, though orcas are large dolphins. though it did have slit eyes, though the feel wasn't reptilian type slit but dragon like. if that makes any sense. I think the iris maybe had a slight glow to it maybe?

-----------------------------------------


I did the meditation again. Still feeling thirsty afterwards though I drank water before it. During this I started to get very hot, like a summer's day here. after a while I also could not fully relax due to how my right knee felt so crossed my legs and for part of it just let my right leg kick forward a bit in a steady motion. Guess that is where I felt it. This time I picked the way kids would pick on me a huge amount at school, and some other incidents that tied into that. anger, bad self image, bits of sadness too I think. During most of this I could feel my abdominal resonating pretty strongly and the energy body, I guess the light body, resonating less so. This time when the higher self was to fill me with light energy I felt it like a sorta coolish liquid, a very fine sort of fluid, that had a pleasure feel to it. higher self this time looked like a mix of dragon, dolphin and bits of orca, sorta shifting around. a bit unstable or unset, or not trying to have a set appearance or I'm not integrated enough to see it, or know the various other aspects, or a mix of this and other things?

I do recall her saying I may notice over the next week week, but I've ? birthed a new me? person? or something like that, don't recall her exact words.

===============

Sounds like a lot. And as I do I'll get to know myself.  Maybe before a realization I'll have an inkling.

this is a very interesting process indeed.  And this course I got, though expensive, does seem to be doing a lot of good pretty fast.  Though I guess one good thing of the expense is I can't be tempted to go to fast.  though I do know this first part is setting or building a foundation.  That is needed before any more work can be done.

The next part of the 6 part course of awaken the light body, deals only with the heart.  But that is maybe next month, no hurry.  this first one deals with just the first 3.

=======================

Did it again.  The 4th mediation (5).  This time I decided to focus on worry, and some on bad self image as well.  I think Tomorrow I'll pick confidence to focus on as well.  it's enough for 1 day and I dont' want ot miss the brony show, though I may try to do the mediation without listening to the mp3. 

This time I felt like some energy was being pumped into an energy body, I guess maybe the light body.  Pretty strong pumping, the resonance came in  rhythmic pulses and it was a pleasant feeling.  My abdominal was resonating pretty strongly too , and still is.  it felt like tendrils or something or of resonance was dissolving a large block or blocks,  wall or something.  Guess I'll see over the next week if this is doing good. 

=============================

I did the meditation again, though this time not listening to the mp3. I did both self confidence and math since i thought those went hand in hand. Tomorrow and maybe Wednesday if i don't get to do both tomorrow I'll do self confidence tomorrow and math the day after if I don't' get both tomorrow.

it felt like my abdominal area was resonating pretty strongly and feeling a bit sore in the central spot, not muscular sore but non muscular. Plus it felt like the resonance reached deep into the abdominal area. It feels both a bit sore, but also getting stronger? during this it felt like my higher self's hands were over my abdominal area.

My higher self looked sorta anthro shark like, with a mischievous look to his face, though i couldn't see him to well, still blurry. he did hug me from behind, wrapping his arms around me in a hug, his arms felt like they were under my arms. I think he choose this look for a reason.

--------------------------------------------------


Felt a similar experience. the feeling was toned down or weaker but still there. Though instead of just a hug from behind it was also caressing my chest, with at least 1 of it's hands. new sensation being able to feel that. Though as i said the feeling of love, relaxation, pleasure, contentment, was weaker or toned down. what was not is certain spots from the abdominal down was resonating very strongly , and all over the energy body was resonating also, though to less of a degree. i just, enjoyed the experience. Not sure who did it or why. It didn't last to long, like last time. Still watching the brony show.

---------------------------

Sunday 2-22

Forgot to say, last night I read more of the pdf manual thing that came with the course.  it also has sections where you can write down your experiences after each meditation.   It has certain sections where it says to not read farther until you've done x meditation.  I read some more since I have done meditation 2.  It seems the first 2 energy center things I've been working with in the first 2 meditations are the first 2 energy centers of the light body, which Orin or Daben, keep forgetting which one, said are different from the chakras.  Forgot which but it says the chakras are of the astral or etheric body, can't remember which.  They have a question and answer section.  Seems that there was a sort of a play-testing sort of thing where the folks who were the first to do the course could ask or send in questions and they picked the most common asked questions to put into the pdf manual thing.

==============================================

I did the 3rd mediation.  Interesting experience.  It was basically about visualizing a sub personality and helping it to feel better about itself, fulling it with love and with the help of an ascended master also filling it with light.  during this and the absorbing process I did feel sharp abdominal pains, no idea why.   and a slight resonating.  then The circle of sub personalities, including ones that you may not know of yet and do the same.  I don't think any of them looked human, though some,  ? many ? were humanoid.  Some looked like some sort of dolphin, at least 2 , or maybe more then 2, looked like orca type beings, both genders, at least a few dragons, both eastern and western, a ball of light.  And many others I could not see to well.  My abdominal area did feel a bit like it was resonating.  towards the end I did feel like I could feel the energy body as i felt before, no idea what it was.

==========================

I did the 3rd meditation again, (part 4). though this time I had 2 subpersonalities instead of 1. I did feel some slight knots sorta feeling in my abdominal area. The 2 strongest knots did feel like they went away after the ascended master did what he did in the meditation. The others felt very faint and they went away after the circle of subpersonalites. During this and after the light sending my abdominal area started to resonate like yesterday. then the energy body felt like it was starting to resonate, but it felt like a different resonance, or maybe it was getting some light energy, as was described in the meditation.

I think I may feel different. Not sure if it's a little different, slight, or more then a little. Also as I type this it kinda sorta feels like a spot on my abdominal area sorta felt slightly sore, but not at the physical muscle, but it is pretty weak/faint and comes and goes. The area is sorta below the navel and inside. hard to exactly pinpoint it. Maybe a side effect of what I did.


The circle of sub personalites looked much the same, but I could not exactly see them perfectly and as usual it as black and white sorta vision, or more like levels of grey or a non color sorta thing.    1 did look maybe insect like, and another is hard to describe.  A multi tentacled being.  maybe some sort of space creature or living starship or something.    Those were sorta new.

=================================

This 1 mediation is one I may redo often, at least in the near future. She does mention doing it if one feels some self doubt, ect.

Saturday 2 [2-21]

Lay down to take a nap but didn't go to sleep so instead I did a sort of relaxing meditation. I did feel a very strong resonating going on with my entire abdominal area, and groin area that included the first chakra, and my heart chakra slightly. it also felt like the rest of the energy body was very slightly resonating as well. I did try to do a link between the very strong resonating and the heart charka, figured it couldn't do any harm and who knows the positive effects it may have. maybe ones I won't even be conscious of.

----------------

I thought about some things i really want. I'd like to get a group of friends, or a smallish group, that are into the spiritual things I'm into and interest me, and of course some of their own things. Sahaja Yoga isn't it. While free, it doesn't seem to do anything for me. maybe it's effects are more subtle and take longer to be noticed, but the things that seem to do something for me are some guided meditations, and Qi Gong. Though not all guided meditations, noting involving astral projection works.

The Orin & Daben awaken your light body, seem to be doing something, not sure if it's really doing anything or not. The courses are very very very expensive. I do wish they were at least half their price.

=========================================

Did the meditation a 2nd time. My abdominal was resonating, tingling and like the first time I could feel a tingling or resonating at certain points of the guided meditation as I guess energy entered that area. Felt like I could feel some sort of energy body inside the physical body. He didn't say so, don't remember if it was Orin or Daben. I went ahead and imaged a link or channel between the abdominal area and the heart chakra since I'm not sure if the chakras that he was covering could handle all the resonating. I also hooked it up with the end of the spine so the kundalini could handle it also.

Though they are not chakras but vibrational centers of the light body. never heard of that before, but I know very little of the light body. maybe it was a mistake to hook those 2 chakras up, but to late now.

also I saw a mental image though my eyes were closed. it was maybe slightly bigger then the postage stamp of before. it was still a black and white image and not to distinct. These were all still images, and they changed unlike the 1 still image from yesterday. at first it looked like some sort of mostly or partly cloudy sky. Then either some sort of sci-fi gas type being or a galaxy shaped like that. Then some sci-fi type designs. 1 looked like a sorta oval within an oval with some images at certain points i could not clearly see. Some sort of star ship or machine diagrams.

Think I may copy this and my previous experience onto a notepad so i can have them in the folder where the course is. Since i can't write in a pdf, or don't have the software to do so.


=============================

my main concerns right now. (it's in the pdf manual thing so thought why not type up here & they copy paste it in the special folder I'll be making for all this.

Physical concerns: this distortion in my left eye, being intolerant to so many foods. my stuttering, though it comes and goes and could be much worst so that is 2 good points. My eyes being so light sensitive, sensitive to the fact certain areas, ,music, ect has bad vibrations, or it feels bad to me. I'd say correcting my near sightedness, but that is very slight.

Deeper issues; wanting this to be my last incarnation. Evolving as far as i can, embody as much of my true soul self as i can in the time I have left. Learn as much of soul and other stuff as i can, tap into my soul knowledge and memories.

-----------------------

positive changes I would like to see in my life:

Spiritual growth: embody as much of my soul self as i can. Evolve as far as I can in the time this body has left. Be able to know as much of my soul memories and knowledge as possible. Learn more of soul stuff and spiritual stuff.

Financial: it would be nice to have more money on a regular bases.

---------------------------

Sat [2-21]

I do wonder why I like certain types of beings best.  Stuff like dolphins, orcas, dragons, and reptilian nagas.  By reptilian nagas I mean ones that are not human waist up and serpent waist down, I mean reptilian waist up and serpent waist down.  I do wonder why I like these more then some others like other bipedal humanoid reptilian images.  There has to be a reason I like those 4 best, but what is it and how do I find out why?  Will I find out why?

=============================
I did the 2nd meditation. Interesting sensation. I did feel the usual tingling and resonating, concentrated in the lower part of the abdominal area and down, from about the navel level down. Though towards the end it felt like that resonating/tingling crept up to around the level where the stomach or lower ribs were, or close to that. When he did his mantras his voice did feel like it was more resonating was happening. During this I felt hot, almost like a summer day here, and at the end I was thirsty again. I did feel the energy body again, or whatever it is. Felt like maybe it had more energy in it then it did yesterday.

Towards the end of the meditation he mentioned a, forgot what he called it, the chakra thing at the back of the head, above or at the end of the spine. he said to open it to receive the new energies and I did visualize and intent it to open and it did feel like something opened up and was getting some sort of energy. The kundalini was resonating at the first few or 6 inches or so, and after it felt like it had stopped resonating it did feel like it had a stronger flow of energy in it. Also thought i maybe saw waves of energy or something. I had the long sock tied over my eyes like usual since my eyelids have a tendency to twitch and not stay closed often, so I have to often use it at night to get to sleep, or when I take a nap during the day. Though at night it's more like 50/50 if I have to use it or not.

It did leave me with what feels like a hint of a shadow of a headache towards the back of my head area.

Just now I visualized it opening again and it did feel like a resonating in the area. and there is more energy in the kundlaini area in the first 6 inches or so.

-------------------------

Just did some Qi Gong.  Felt like I had done it maybe a minute or 2, but when I looked at the clock it had actually been 7 minutes.  Get get between my thoughts some, wasn't thoughtless but more so then usual.   It does bring a feeling sorta like inner peace.  felt like I felt some energies moving around inside and outside the body a bit.  And left feeling a bit warm as well.  Though that could be just from moving around.  Though Qi Gong is done very slowly. 

==========================

Still wonder why I have a liking or attraction for certain beings like I said before. Dolphins, orcas, dragons, Fully reptilian nagas, and some reptilian humanoids, but not all the pictures I've seen. maybe one of those things I'll have to wait till this incarnation is over, assuming there is life after the body dies, before I find out. Lots of information that those incarnate are not allowed to have and can't access. Lots of secrets.
---------------------------------------

Friday [2-20]

I purchased the very expensive course. Got a free album of music also, nice. Also came across a book that may be handy, I cut into my savings a bit to get the book.

Still have no idea why souls are so secretive and money hungry but I'll do my best to work within the system. It's either that or twiddle my thumbs until this incarnation ends. Hopefully I can get enough evolving and spiritual and soul growth so i can be strong enough so soul can't force me to incarnate but has to regard and treat me as an equal. Since I do not feel any desire to incarnate anymore. It's not cause earth is a dark world and humans are mostly a dark savage barbaric species, but I feel tired of incarnating, as my grandmother would say, bone tired or bone weary of incarnating. Likely a sign I'm a baby soul on his first incarnation, and not the excitement that old souls would have, but I'll see if I can try to ensure with the growth I can get from the very expensive courses so I'll work into the system that souls are a secretive and money hungry sorts.

=======================

My soul must be a pretty dark soul if my eyes are so light sensitive, sensitive to sounds, certain vibrations, the foods I can eat are on a very short list, prone to migraine headaches unless I take ginko and being alergic to this planet.
--------------------------------------------

Didn't like having to cut into my meager savings to get that course from Orin & Daben and the book from amazon, but since souls are a secretive, unhelpful and money hungry lot and I do agree to work within that system, hopefully I can get some spiritual advancement. Like I mentioned above, enough hopefully i can have enough power to force my soul to not incarnate since I do feel totally tired in incarnating. I don't see or feel the attraction. it feels like I've done this hundreds or thousands of times before and have no more desire to do it. I feel tired and bored with even the idea of incarnating.

--------------------------------


Think I got a mental message from someone not sure who.  It was <go far in this course and you won't have to incarnate again.>  likely just my imagination, but would be nice if it were true.

--------------------

Got another sentence from whoever as I was waking up from my nap. I'll mark it up as my imagination. <you took an important first step buying those ...> forgot if the voice said items, things, or used some other word.

--------------------------

Felt tired for no reason. Sat back in the chair and rested. Felt like something is being done to some energy inside this body. Something positive maybe? felt slighty or fainty .... can't describe it.

------------

Won't start the first meditation for a while since i don't want to be doing it when the ups knocks on the door.

-----------------------------

The spare dsl modem came a few hours ago. Far earlier then I was expecting the ups guy to come, that is great.

----------------
Disliked having to pay out all that money for the course and the amazon book, but that is the only way I can have a chance to progress. Fun won't be during this incarnation, except in tiny bits. I'll have to wait till this is over. Then maybe I can have some fun. But not during this incarnation.

----------------------------

Interesting experiences. At the very start my kundalini started to resonate, the first several inches. Then during the guided meditation the area of the body he had me do the tiny muscle contractions on felt like the whole area was resonating. At first I only could do a very light meditation trance since I got hot and had to uncover part of my body, then had to uncover more of it. Then it felt like , somewhere around half way through, like my consciousness switched to some sort of energy body within the physical body. I did try to see if I could move a finger or something during the guided meditation, but that was not possible, not a finger of whatever energy body it was, my physical body i could have but didn't want to come out of the meditative trance. once I uncovered myself I was able to then get down to I'd say a medium one. I guess this was for the first 2 chakras since he had the focus be for males on the prostate and later on in the meditation add in the area where ovaries would be. After about maybe 20 to 30 seconds maybe I felt like I was ready to uncover my eyes and maybe that was 10 or 15 seconds to early. Interesting experience. Forgot to add in that I felt very relaxed, and much more at peace during this. Plus it left me thirsty for some reason.

------------------------------


I do hope these courses, though expensive, will help me to grow spiritually as far as I can in the time I have left in this incarnation. Since I do want to grow as much as i can, and not just so I can get past the point where i won't be incarnating anymore since I do feel bored, tired, worn out, of the whole process and want it to end so i can go on to the next phase.  

====================

I did it a 2nd time.  I didn't go as deep, but I had a few distractions like a slight time constraint, so maybe could not relax as fully.  At the end it left me as thirsty as before, no idea why.  Also this time feeling the slightest bit tired.  I didn't feel any real resonating, unlike the first time.  At the end when he spoke his voice did cause momentary resonating in the area.  I did feel the waves he spoke of.  Didn't the first time.  Maybe I lost consciousness briefly during that or didn't notice his saying that. 

I did feel the energy body, but this time I seemed to slip into it mentally faster, but it was still paralyzed.  No idea if this is the astral, or light or etheric body.  Not that it matters likely.  That is if I have a light body, astral or etheric.  Tried to move it and again it seems totally paralyzed.  Though it did feel lighter then the physical body which right now feels extremely heavy, like it's made of lead or something more dense. 

--------------------------

I do wonder what and where this will take me. And what is that energy body thing I felt twice?

At least I'm past those lies those beings were telling me that past few months. No idea why they would do that. seems pretty cruel to do that, but who knows what immortal non corporal beings may do for fun, or think is fun.

I do hope, deep in me, that this course can take me far. I'd like to fully awaken the light body, and grow and evolve enough so at the very least I won't have or be forced to incarnate, since at the heart of it I do, like I said before, feel tired, bored, feeling no draw or interest in incarnating. I want to develop as far and as much as i can during the rest of this incarnation.

I assume there are more interesting things to do then just incarnating all the time.

The livestream I usually watch in Fridays was canceled. I can understand why, like I said in the chat it as just me in the audience and 1 person doing the stream, so I can see why he canceled it. I would have as well in his place. Think for my alternative plans I'll read some of some e-books. watch some Adams family & Monty python, and maybe do that meditation a 3rd time, though in the introductory pdf thing it is said don't do it more then 2 times in one day. Doubt if I did it a 3rd time it would have any negative effects.

====================================

It is pretty lonely having only me to talk to about this. No one else. the story of my life. Bet if i do grow enough to not need or be forced to incarnate anymore I'd likely by myself with only myself to talk to or have fun with 90% of the time, for the rest of eternity. I'm sure, like now, i can find or think up t hings to do. no soul family. only maybe 1 or 2 online friends that are into anything spiritual.

---------------------------

Back to being totally alone. On the plus side I did find out about their tricks. though it seems pretty short sighted the way their tricks were so quickly came to an end. Telling me now is a good time to project, and keep bugging me to try to project again. that revealed their trick. I believed their lie about they can't pull me out since it would spoil their readings. But their refusing to teach me how to project or saying to look online, or suggesting youtube. If they were really trying to help they would have suggested that and said that it may take a month or 2 and to try to project at least once a day, maybe several times a day.

at least I know of their lies now, though it does leave me even more lonely then before. It's fairly normal for me, though I do wish there was 1 or a few folks in rl who lived in this same city I could talk to who who have had similar circumstances. or even a few online. But it's not to be it seems. Just like most of the past 32 years I have only me to talk to, even though that sucks at times. I only had a very very brief time where that was an exception, but that forum didn't' last long.

I wonder if I do grow enough spiritually to be my own soul so I can choose to never incarnate, if I'll still be as alone as I am here. I bet it is likely so. I guess to counterbalance those who have a close family, close friends, a group of friends, there has to be some who are totally alone most of the time and don't' fit in anywhere. Who feel like earth is a stranger's planet, not one I've incarnated on before, but it's my first time ehre and I'm tired of the whole incarnating thing, i want out of it. i feel bored of the whole thing. Live I've done this a million times and it is all exactly the same. it's not that I'm depressed, i do feel bored of incarnating. it's just not fun anymore. Don't recall if it ever was since i have no memory of any past lives. just those lies those lieing beings tricked me into thinking I remembered flashes of. When earth is the only place that has any sentient life, or any life at all likely. Though other dimensions may have other types of soul beings, like those liers. hope I don't encounter any since they seem to be super prevalent. Some talk of angels but I don't' believe in angels nor ascended masters since I've never seen even a hint of 1. Just these lier beings who have been playing this elaborate trick on me all this time.

There has to be more to existence then just incarnating. Why is incarnating such a big deal anyway. I'm bored stiff of it. Feel like I've done everything, seen all the sights, and so on. Does it ever stop? Or must i go through eternity being forced to incarnate and being bored stiff of it since i've done everything, been everywhere.

maybe if I evolve & grow enough from this course it may get me enough of a growth and evolution so i won't be forced to incarnate. maybe that will help me to do whatever needs doing so one can be allowed to move on to the next phase, doing stuff that does not involve incarnating. I can't see how once one becomes a soul that incarnating will be all one will do for the rest of eternity.

I just wish that growing and evolving spiritually wasn't so expensive and hard and so secretive.

=========================

Did some Qi Gong, as little as I know, no idea how long i did it, maybe 10 minutes or something.  I do feel better.  I diffidently thought I felt energy of some sort moving around me, and at times some into me, coming from above or moving upwards.    Also I could go without thinking for decent periods of time.  think I almost have the movements down to kenetic memory.  if I keep doing all the movements I know as 1 set several times a day, even if I am just going through them very fast and not in a Qi Gong style.  Sunday or Monday I may start trying to learn more.  At the previous speed of 1 movement at a time

--------------------------------------

Thinking of it Doing the Qi Gong had me feel totally at peace.  forgot to put that down. 

Also I had an unusual experience.  I felt like someone had stepped and was sitting where I was sitting, my energy and my energy, an unusual sensation.  My first thought was chad and he did say it was him.  We did some hugging. Then he let himself be absorbed into me, or did that himself, to be an internal aspect again.  Unusual sorta sensation of my energy and another me being at the same place at the same time.  

==============================

THURS [2-19]

Tried a free short cellular activation guided meditation thinkie on the orin and daben website and i did feel some sort of warm energy entering into my body, can fee it now, unless it's all psychosomatic. it feels like a warm fuzzy sort of energy, only way I can describe it.

maybe a good sign I should start getting their VERY expensive awaken the light body course, the first part anyway, can't afford the rest till later.

-------------------------

 felt like this body was resonating from the chest down, no idea why. Maybe that short guided mediation I did earlier or the body decided to resonate because it felt like it maybe. Still have the annoying distortion in my left eye, and felt like maybe the resonating didn't include my neck nor head. Also had a bit of pain in the same upper left back spot.

-------------------------------

Think I"ll get the $89 Awakening The Light Body Course tomorrow. Hopefully that'll help me to continue to develop spiritually and mystically. Since I have no other way to develop or learn and no help. Very Expensive but at least that is available.

---------------------------

Strongly dislike only way for me to evolve spiritually is having to buy expensive courses, but I have no other option. I have no help in this area, especially no non corporal help and no guidance at all. Makes me very mad, and likely a bit sad too. But with no other options I have no other choice.

And I bet I,ll. Never get to evolve and will have this left eye distortion for good. Earth is a nasty place. Wonder why I was abandoned jerks and lets those fakes were and using me to get their bullies like I said above.

---------------------------------

Had fun at the rpg today. While there I felt a warm inner love. Maybe part of my being. Though none of 'them' contacted me, good thing. They are all liers and nasty teasers so they've gone on to other people to tease and lie to.

Tomorrow I'll get the course, I have scrounged enough to get the 1st course. Doubt it'll do any good but it'll be better then just twiddle my thumbs here waiting or this incarnation to end.

----------------------

and sense I can only depend on me, may as well. No one else is going to help me. 

--------------

Have a bit of a headache. Its likely either caused by not enough water being drunk today, or perhaps more likely being outside my apartment which means I got to much light, even despite my wearing to shades over my eyes. Having light sensitive eyes is annoying, luckily I have some iboprofen I can take that works.


again nothing spiritual or mystical, but that should change once I pay for that expensive course. I wonder why the souls we're part of make it so hard and so expensive to develop spiritually, and why it's such a huge secret. Seems like a very unfair system. I wonder if it is even possible for us to evolve spiritually and as souls ourselves. 

and with no support system as well.   a very unfair system. 

=========================

No idea why souls are so money hungry and secretive, or just secretive, nasty joke playing.  I just hope that Orin & Daben are honest enough that when i do pay for their very expensive courses that they'll have some secrets I can learn to evolve spiritually.  I won't get far but at least I'll have some meager advancement instead twiddling my thumbs waiting for this incarnation to be over , then fighting if I have to to not be forced into another incarnation. 

and mine won't help me at all.  Maybe this is some sort of test.  as long as I continue to pay out money to some other soul and pay it or them lots of money they and mine will help me to evolve.  pretty messed up system, but what can you do, not like we can change the system.
=========================

Headache almost gone, great. Though i still have this distortion in my left eye and pain in my upper left back. Those will be with me for life, but at least my headache is almost gone. The left eye distortion, when it is at it's worst I can just put on an eyepatch I have, though getting it to fit isn't easy. and at least the upper left back pain comes and goes so is not always there. Sort of like my stuttering, which has returned full force, but at least it comes and goes. that is a plus.

==================

 I was thinking of the Stellar nations book, not sure why.  Surely if it were true then there would be other sources of information that had that.  it's like saying that there can be only 1 source of info for the geography and history of the earth, plainly not true.  If it were real then various true channelers would have been putting out the same information in the past.  I doubt there is even life on other worlds in this dimension. and I have my doubts of other dimensions having other then human life, as sad as that is.  Must be pretty barbaric since if you look at humans the vast majorty are barbaric savages, to put it nicely.  Though there are some exceptions.

Some would say if there were aliens there would be proof here.  But I disagree, if I were a non human life form I would stay as far away from this dark savage barbaric would as I could.  Some others talk about things like dracos, though I doubt they really exist, I bet if they do they are at least 50 if not 90% of what looks like humans. as barbaric and savage as humans are, it would not surprise me, and earth is , by my classification, a dark world overall, with tiny exceptions here and there.  If I were to cast a vote, I'd say save the very very few non dark savage barbaric humans and let the others live in the barbaric savage darkness that they love.  or if that were not possible, then I'd vote to quarantine the whole Sol system and let nothing in or out.  The dark barbaric savage humans will kill themselves sooner or later.  and once they have and are confirmed extinct.  I'd come in, repair the ecosystem, and give the world to another species, or open it up for some other purposes.  maybe 1 purpose per continent.

as a species I'd say there is no hope for humans, though there are for a very few exceptions, but the majority of the dark savage humans damn the rest who live here.

---------------------------------

I wonder if he Qi Gong does any good.  I'll keep doing it for a while longer to see if I can get the movements to kinetic memory to see if it does give me more spaces between my thoughts.  though I may be to stupid to get it to kinetic memory.

-----------------------------------
I tried that cellular activation free guided mediation.  thought I felt a feeble warmth through most of my body, got a slight headache from it, and from the waist down there was a brief resonating from some reason.  Perhaps a good sign the very expensive course will work, though only very very feebly, but very very feebly is better then not at all.

------------------

Did the light body activation + crystal chakra cleansing. Feel a bit better, but also out of it as well. my body from the waist down was resonating through most of it. from the waist up it started to slightly when I got to certain chakras like are in the meditation. Then it felt like needles were jabbed into my skin, the sensation remained here for the rest of the meditation, never felt that before. felt some sort of dense energy body inside this body. From the neck up the resonating was very very feeble and didn't last long. Also through part of it I saw what looked like an image in front of my eyes but not what she was describing. It ws the size of a postage stamp so could not see the image very well, because it was small and I could not see details. That was well before she got to the 3rd eye chakra. Also when she was going through the chakras I kept loosing consciousness for a few seconds at a time, not sleepy though.

------------------------------------------

 

WED [2-18]

Wonder if I can get some temporary guides since 2 of the main guides and I are not on speaking terms. Should be possible. and maybe a not so temporary case if things do work out with them. since the first 2, Stan and Sam seem obsessed with me projecting when I can't. NG at least did apologize so I'd want him included with my new guides. Though I'd guess he's new to being a guide and I may be the first person he's a guide for.

I asked and she said she'd make arrangements and it is unfortunate, meaning the current relationship between me and the first 2 guides of dan and stan. I still wonder what happened to sam, I guess he left and went back to wherever he came from, oh well. She also said she'd let the species of the new temporary guides be a surprise, and she'd take into account my personality, theirs , their outlook and such. I did ask for NG to be included since i don't mind being the first person he's a guide for, as long as he has some experienced guides to give him tips and guidance. since it can be a learning experience for us both. and who knows, he and i may become decent friends in time.

-------------------------------


been doing some kundalini yoga for 2 weeks or more, but not getting anything out of it.  So not sure if I'll continue or not. Same with the sahaja yoga.  maybe either yoga is useless to me, or i'm not evolved enough for it to be only good.  another idea is maybe yoga only works for human souls, which I am not. 

---------------------------------


woke up again and same resonating/vibration thingie, all over, still was unable to get out, though it was not due to belief. I kept my belief neutral, thinking that this time I'd succeed, but was not able to.

Ng has no idea why I can't project. he said everything he can look at shows that I should be able to do so now. the light body is complete, as far as the instruments he can look at say. He just sorta shrugs, maybe even after all this time they still don't understand the human body enough that I could project. a pity he says since he'd like to, along, with certain other individuals, to see if the light body they made for me needs any fine adjustments, fine tuning, sorts of things, to use english expressions, but part of that requires me to project and them not to just pull me out since that would spoil those readings.

Hope if I do get new guides they can take into account I can't project and will be stuck in this body till it dies , and can get on with the next steps of seeing if i can embody more of my soul, my true self in this body.

====================

I don't see how humans stand being such a dense place as this. One can't do anything here hardly.  It is so limiting.  How can they stand it?  Everything is also so heavy here.  The body especially.  it's like a lead rock. 

==============

That is likely why my light body is trapped and can't get out and I can't project. This physical body is to dense to allow projection at all.

=======================

Can't project and can't deepen my meditation either.  NG is puzzled why i can't do either since is readouts show that I should be able to do both.  he did try to teach me to deepen my mediation but it didn't work.

before this he mentioned a new guide would be just listening in on our conversation and looking over my file before he introduces himself.  No idea what he will look like.  Maybe something non human. 

I do wonder why I'm unable to project astrally, light body or whatever I supposedly can project and why I also cant deepen my meditation either.   likely something about me totally messed up, malformed, mutated or just bad. 

NG said he would try to teach me to project but he has no idea how to do that himself.  I wonder what is wrong about me that i can't deepen my meditation and also can't project either.  and also why there is this top secret thing about the light body.  I can't find out much beyond the term light body. and the only way to find out more is to start taking 1 of 5 courses that will cost $100 each, which is way outside my price range  I can afford.

Something about me is messed up somewhere.  maybe at the soul level and that is why their instruments can't detect anything.

Can't project and can't deepen my mediation.  sure signs i'm not a high d soul at all.  since a high d soul could do all that stuff easily. 

=============================

Did some Qi Gong. I got a feeling part way through them of my slightly resonating, no idea why.


I still wonder what about me is so messed up that I can't project my light body nor deepen my meditation.

===================

Tried a guided mediation to astral project That claims it has brain wave technology and yet another huge dud. i did ask NG if he wanted to take readings before it and he did. I wasn't able to finish the mediation since it is over an hour and about half way through ti's like everything gave up and all the resonating and stuff stopped. Whatever the energy or light body is it is paralyzed or stuck/trapped inside this physical body and can't move unless i move my physical body.


NG did say he was getting wonderful readings, but all still inconclusive since they all still say i should be able to project, just step out of my physical body,but I can't and he can't see any reason why. wonder why the name Trev popped into my name now, no biggie. He says he wishes he could show me the readings to show me what he means.

it can't be paralyzed since i can't move it with my mind. if it was just paralyzed but not stuck inside this dense body then I could just move it around with my mind and teleport where I wanted to go, but I can't do that either. therefore something keeps it stuck in the physical body. I'd not be surprised if it was either faulty made, despite what NG says that it is properly made and functioning from his readings. or something is wrong with me at the soul level. either way I give up. i don't see why projecting was so <censored> important and why they can't just yank me out if it is so important, but doing that would spoil the readings they need.

and any more spiritual progress will stop since they refuse to bring me to the ship since that would spoil their precious readings they need that need me to leave the body myself, so no more treatments for me.

what a bunch of <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored>

honestly if it were possible, and I don't believe in walk ins, I'd volunteer to be one to get out of here, back home and let someone who wants to be here to walk into this body. Then I'd be out of here, able to quit whatever <censored> organization this is and so I won't be forced or tricked become an independent soul since as a external aspect the soul I'm an external aspect of can force me to incarnate again, or trick me into it.

===================================

Someone in another thread said what i need to do is not astral projection since my kundalini has risen through the top of my head and I am in whatever 5th samadhi is, whatever that is, but what I need to do is light body projection which is not possible here since it is too dense here. and no one here can teach that.

Listened to a show that had Treb on it, channeling seems like a neat thing. Think I'd prefer the trance type so that way none of me would get in the way or mess up the other being. it would be just them. like in the Seth books. Jane goes who knows where. and sometimes she could recall bits of where she was, but I think often not.

-----------------------------

Thought that is not my path. my path seems to be just sitting here waiting till this body dies. since i CAN"T project and they WONT do anything till I can project and they refuse to teach me.

what a bunch of <censored> that they are.
-------------------------------

Went to Qi Gong class. It was good. I enjoyed it. Though I was the only student there, so I had a private class. That done there are just 3 more and that is it. At least i had these and there is youtube.

My stuttering seems to have returned about the same as it was before.

And I think I"ll need to seriously think of saving up to buy those expensive courses, though I really can't afford them. Oh well.

Looking it over it'll be WAY more expensive then I at first thought. Each course is divided up into 6 parts and you have to pay for each part. The download version is a bit under $100, So the first course will take me a year to gradually get it. very very expensive & it'll leave me with very little spending money, but that is my only option for any further spiritual development since those <censored> former guides and others are likely having a great laugh at what they did. Get me to this level, tell me lies like now is a good time to project, I need to project. they can't help pull me out since I need to do it myself so they can see if my light body needs any fine tuning or adjustments. What a <censored> <censored> <censored> . I was angry at them before, now it may well be turning to hatred. I want nothing to do with any of them and their so called pod. bet I'm not even a real member and am just a human soul, those <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> .

Tuesday [2-17]

I half jokingly asked her if I could call her mom.  I didn't expect a reply, though she did say, <that would be appropriate.>  Still not to use to when I connect with her mentally I feel a very intense energy that intermeshes with the top half of my head, that's the only way I can describe what it feels like.  I did ask about the insectoid mental image I got and all she's say was <it could be a past life, a soul friend I have maybe.> 

---------------------------------

I asked her a few questions.

Why the bugging me to project?  <it's time for you to start projecting.  Also we want to see and examine the light body to see if any find tune adjustments need to be made.>

I've tried and can't do it at all.  if you want me to you'll have to tech me yourself. <I'll see if I can make arrangements for that.   It seems your development level isn't at a sufficient level for your instinctive soul knowledge to be enough.> 

and how to deepen my mediation too.  <i'll add that to the list.  perhaps your new guide can help with one of those.> 

Isn't us having some fun, or sharing unethical if I a soul descendant or one of your kids at the soul level? <no rules against it and one can say to help with soul cohesion and development it's not only encouraged but is required to, at certain minimum levels.  besides my views on sharing are shared with those of the pod, so no problems there, them being the same.  Plus it would give you certain positive benefits, at the soul and vibrational levels and aspects.>

Interesting, guess I have to wait till I'm back home with the 6d pod since it would be to intense or something.  <not that long I think, looking at the projected readings of your present development level.>

 that chip that was put into my abdominal somewhere by Dan?  <it does make certain things, much easier.  Easier for the 5d ship technology then me, but I can make use of that.  Where I normally reside technology isn't of to much use anymore.> 

===============================

wonder how messed up i am.  did some qi gong and slipped right into, without noticing into not thinking for a decent amount of time.  can't fully do it since i still have to remind myself what movement comes next since I've not been doing the movements long enough for it to have moved to kenetic memory, that'll take who knows how long. 

yet that doesn't help my sitting mediation.  Likely due ot my being so messed up.  and I can't project, likely due to being messed up.

================
So will I remember any of the lessons?  <some of them, some need to be done with your subconscious for certain lessons and those you likely won't remember, at least not till you are on this side of things.  > 

I don't think I'd want to incarnate again, especially not in anything this dense.  <a natural feeling and you are correct it's not just some frustration but a more soul level feeling.  Once one gets up to where the pod is few want go that dense without a good reason.  and being a 6d native, so to speak, makes compounds it.  I say so to speak since as a new soul, technically you are a 6d native, but you have chosen to keep the accumulated wisdom alternate parallel lives ect that the soul you were once part of has done in the past. > 

How is that possible, for an incarnate to go from being an extension of a soul to being a new/old soul and an external aspect of what was my soul's parent?  <it gets very technical explaining that.  If you don't remember that I'll be willing to start teaching you at some later point, but the real you knows how that is possible, at least at the instinctive level.  >

<that being instinctive knowledge.>

===========================

Had another encounter with who I call NG. He wanted me to try once again. This time he seemed confused why I couldn't project, saying stuff like all the readings he's getting says I should be able to, and everything checks out. Something to do with the chip Dan put into me a few weeks ago I'd guess. he put it somewhere in my abdominal area.

I think he said he'd look into it, not sure if he did or not, but diffidently he seemed confused why I couldn't, everything on the readouts he was looking at says I should be able to. I said likely either the light body the made is falty or I'm not evolved enough of a soul to project. and he said no, it's not that. I did say with some slight annoyance hopefully he and the others will stop bugging me to project when I can't.

Bunch of jerks, put put it as nicely as I can. Hope they stop bugging me to do something when I can't do it till I'm either more evolved of a soul, or this body dies. that is the only way I can project, and the 2nd one is a 1 way thing that will eventually happen. I wonder if this was enough to get them the message or do I need to start punching them in the face mentally to get the message across?

========================

Had an experience that got me fairly angry. the new guide asked me to try to project again. he seemingly can't grasp that I can't project. he asked again and I got pretty mad saying if you think it's so easy to project given my low development level as a soul then you incarnate in this dense world. he said he knows what it's like. I doubt that. I then went to her to ask her to get him to stop bugging me since they seem to want me to project but won't teach me how to.

I then said maybe she should be my only guide and she said that maybe is best, for the near future till they can find out why I can't project. She said she would look into why they keep bugging me and won't teach me. hope all 3 of them will leave me alone, since they seem to refuse to believe I can't project. I'd say my opinion of them but that would not be a g ratted comment. My current opinion and feeling of them would, as my grandmother would say, would make a sailor blush.

I hope that means she has a high enough rank to get them to leave me alone. I've no idea why they are obsessed with me projecting and that I can when I can't.

===============================

I asked Chad and he said he'd teach me how to reach a primal rage so I could telepathically send that at them if they try to contact me till this is resolved, except for her.  he doesn't like their attitude any more then I do.  Though he things she is cool, I think his term.

=============================

I do wish I could project, but having guides bug me to try to project does NOT help any and gets me really mad.

=========================

She asked me to try twice more.  1 laying down on my back and again laying on my stomach.  She wanted to see if there were any differences and asked if i was sure I could not project at a certain point in both. 

I commented that I was glad they had not kept bugging me about trying since they seem obsessed.  She said she's see into why they are obsessed with keeping trying to get me to project.  I then said i guess you won't tell me why and she said likely not.  i then said I'm glad you're not obsessed with me projecting and she said she's above such petty things. 

Nice to go a few hours with no guides asking me to try again to project, are you sure you can't.  It's peaceful again.  <censored> obsessed jerk guides.  Guess that means she does rank above them if she can get them to lay off of me.  Nice.

What I have now is no projection and a resonating body.  
=============================

got a brief message from the new guide (ng I call him). Though the way he kept at me before to keep trying to project I bet it was a fake apology. the other 2 are to stubborn to apologize. the jerks.

==================

I tried another method of astral projection. again all I got was the same vibration/resonance, and nothing. it feels like they are holding up my development till I can project. will I can't, I'm not advanced enough or developed enough of a soul so I can't. I can feel this is why they are holding back on doing anything else. Since they refuse to teach me how to project I'm going to start having chad teach me how to access the most primal rage and send that at those <censored> guides to see if it'll get them off of their <censored> to acknowledge I can't project so that'l have to be taken out of the plan for my development of embodying as much of my soul self as I can in this incarnation. I'm annoyed at them. I can feel it'll turn into anger and rage before to long.

======================

and the distortion in my left eye is so bad I'll wear my eyepatch tonight.

===========================
I wonder if sam was an aspect or not. He seems gone. Oh well. Nothing I can do about that.

Nice to not have guides bugging one to project, try to project one more time. Though 2 of them are not speaking to me at the moment, Dan and Stan, at least the new guy is. he did apologize for bugging me to try to project. He was sure I could and still has no idea why I can't. But we've agreed to not talk about that. Not much else for us to talk about. I did ask about my reptilian soul heritage he was going to teach me, but he said my projecting was part of it, I wonder why. eh, no biggie. He did say for one of his pastimes he likes watching some earth tv. I do wonder why my being able to project seems so important for my mystic spiritual progress, the next phase or something. eh, maybe a thing i'll never find out.

Seems my spiritual and mystic progress is put on hold due to those 2 wanting me to project and they won't allow things to progress till I can, and they are to stupid or dimwitted to understand that I can't project and they refuse to teach me. I'll let this go for a day or so. Then see if I can ask her for a temporary guide or 2. To work alongside NG.

Looks like i still may have bits of me that fears the night, sorta kinda. i wonder what that is, bits of the inner child. No idea what to do about that. i send the inner child love, with that group hug thing I do regularly, when I remember to do it. it's a quick thing.

I did a quick hug, including Chad, my inner child and some spots for others in-case there are other aspects i don't know of. Sam didn't seem to be there. Wonder if Sam left or something else happened. Maybe something I'll never know. One of those mysteries. along side why i cant project. what is this lightbody thing? why do I like dolphins, dragons, orcas and certain reptilians, dinos, and other mysteries.

Today was a big dud for mystic and spiritual stuff. i wonder if since I can't project those 2 will put a big permanent stop to my progress. no idea how to embody more of my soul self myself. no idea how to get more of my true soul self into this fragile dense human body. maybe this is as far as I can go and I can't go any farther. No biggie. though if I have any say, i just don't want to incarnate. not since I hate it or hate being here. but this me just feels no desire for incarnating. What is the big draw? I don't feel it. The soul I was once part of, I guess, liked it, but I don't see the draw nor the desire. Guess when I had to split off and became a new/old soul, something in this me is different.