Awoke this morning without Mirabelle next to or near me. First time in about a week. Guess she was busy and never came here or came and left while I was asleep. No biggie, the slightest bit disappointed, but I don't expect her to be here every morning like I don't expect her to be with me 24/7. She has friends, family, lovers, and various things she does so she has those things/people.
She did say a message that she didn't know when I was going to wake up.
Later as I was shaving I felt a jolt of love/pleasure. I guess it came from her aimed at me, or was I experiencing a bit of what she was doing?
I do feel an urge, a strong one, to have sex with her, but I do feel it is separate from my sexual desire. Maybe soul level or some sort of bond or link we have is responsible for that?
I'm remember a funny thing she said to me yesterday, not sure if I put it down. Some things I mean to put down and I forget to. Anyway what she said to me yesterday, forgot the time, but she said when I'm back home I won't ever need to masturbate again, she'll make sure of that, and some others will also. I think her almost exact words were, I'll make sure of that, and the others. Had to pause on typing that since if felt like she lightly caressed my chest, surprising amount of pleasure i felt as she did that.
Also as i was fixing breakfast she asked if I'm sure I'm the proper weight. I look a bit thin as a human to her.
I do think when I'm back, I would like to, during our first 'time together' spend a good amount of time as not just me a stallion and her a mare, though I think that'll be most of it. But also as switched genders, me a mare and her a stallion, then us both as stallions and then both as mares. Though from her remark when I mentioned that that she's never considered have sex with us both being stallions.
I still doubt I have any place of importance with in the pod, how can I have that? I'm an average soul, despite her saying I do have a position of importance. and that symbolic thing. To have a lover among some of the more numerous dominant species. In my case a dragon, unicorn and naga, more then 1 is ok. She says it's an ancient tradition, done today only for symbolic reasons, and used as a excuse to have multiple lovers. Though there's been peace a long time. After all from my soul memories it seems the current soul I am an external aspect of was created as a symbol of the peace, with the 4 present saying there would be peace between them as long as this soul lives/exists. Which since souls are immortal, You can see what that means. My soul memory seems to indicate the 4th was a naga. I've been told it was a reptilian but not what type. That would mean an orca, dolphin, dragon, and naga.
I have witnessed first hand, before I lost the ability to project, that when they are among the other pod members we orcas look like regular dolphins. Maybe this is part of the reason.
Not sure how old current soul is. He did mention to me, during one of the times he pulled me into himself, before I had a higher self, that he told the humans that the veil of forgetfulness is a bad idea but they didn't listen to him. I think he's a bit reluctant to help them since he said he did tell them it was a bad idea and what they would experience so now he feels since they made their choice they should have to live with it and it's up to them and them alone to change their situation. No idea how old this could be. He's not said.
In a joking manner I asked Mirabelle if she'd hold it against me if I said I really want to pound her rump, meant in a sexual way. And maybe she could pound mine a bit. I guess from the mental giggles that she doesn't. makes me laugh a bit at the memory.
For some reason "Wild." seems to be a word I like, no idea why.
I must say that feeling at the soul level, or inside me. The urge or desire to have sex with her is not physical sexual urge but a desire from within, maybe at soul level. and it is very strong. mostly us having sex with me as a stallion and her as a mare. Though maybe us in other forms too, both orcas, ect. Less so with us as switched genders, and both as stallions and mares. That seems a more secondary type thing. The main desire is us both as we are, me a stallion and her as a mare.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Another maybe soul memory, either mine or current soul's. The current world where home is was created so the ? 3? or more, races could live in peace. A symbolic thing. I wonder if the world was created, or terraformed. I do seem to recall the unicorns were not part of the original, but they came along later, invited by the other ? 3 ? main races to move there, or a group of them that was in some sort of trouble or fleeing from some darkness of some kind, always on the run. Current soul and someone else, no idea what unicorn did, made a unicorn, I think the one that calls himself Duke, to lead them to that world. He was made since they would trust a true pure unicorn. No idea who his unicorn parent was, But he was intended to be an aspect of current soul and still is.
-----------------------------------------------------
ad fun at the Thursday game today.
I'll type up the experiences and thoughts later. Found out from Mr H
that Maribelle is not her real name. Not surprised. I was suspecting
that and duke are not their real names. I guess since compared to the 2
unicorns on here that i call Mr. H and Ms K, I can't even begin to
pronounce their names, let alone spell them. i also found out from
him that the ones I call the pod are not dolphins nor orcas. So its all
lies.
He claims that I need to get the space between my thoughts up to where I
can not think for 10 minutes. that is impossible. I've been trying to
widen the space between my thoughts for 32 years. I've never ever gotten
any better. ever. as a teen along with the poof things i got was
also that, that since I didn't know the terms called i listening to the
silence behind this reality.
I bet those that I heard that say this is a prison and some beings are
using it to siphon off energy and tricking folks into incarnating is
true. i didn't use to believe it but ti does fit in now. But ti does
fit. i feel tired of incarnating. Totally tired of it. Don't' want to
incarnate anymore, but I was force here again. One of these times I'll
get to escape, whoever I have to fight and whatever beings i may have to
kill. Telling me stuff that is impossible like the first step is
widening the space between my thoughts to where I can go without
thinking for 10 minutes. that is impossible. I've been trying for 32
years and have NEVER EVER GOTTEN ANY BETTER. and i never ever will.
I bet I'm not really part dragon, part unicorn and part whatever the
hell. bet I'm just a human soul through and through and the jailers say
this stuff and the other spiritual stuff to tease us. I bet she
isn't really my mate at all.
This whole place is some sort of holographic prison and none of us can ever get out, ever.
================================================================
Though it's all lies, I'll type up my notes, fleshing out what I was thinking or the experience of the time. all the lies. I bet the so called being who fooled me into thinking she was my twin flame did so for kicks. bet I'm not even part unicorn, dragon and whatever the pod is, but I've said that before. on to the note of my experiences and thoughts that the past me was fooled into thinking and believing. What lies. I will have to wait till this body dies and the incarnation is over before I have a chance to may find out the truth and I bet even then I won't. if I can't kill a few jailers I'll end up forced into another incarnation so they can feed of the energy and have fun playing around with whatever they'll do to the next incarnation, just for kicks.
My current thoughts and feelings will be in <> the text not in the <> are my thoughts and such at the timem i was taking the notes.
------------------------------
Dolphin & orca long ago made peace before that world or whatever place the live now and see themselves as 1 race? as i recall the lie that I got was this happened very very long ago, many tens of thousands of years ago maybe, maybe hundreds of thousands. just a vague impression
--------------------
I was also thinking at the time, fool that I was, that eventually maybe I'd not mind at some point in the future maybe being a mare and having a kid with Maribelle with her as the father. Though that would be a while. That is how I felt at the time based on my notes and memory sure as <censored> not how I feel now. I was thinking I felt most comfortable mainly as male, sometimes as herm and a bit sometimes as female. maybe say something like 70-75% male, say roughly 15% a herm and 5-10% being a female (this doesn't count getting pregnant and having a kid). Likely more tricks by the jailers and liers fiddling around with my mind without me knowing about it.
I also thought at the time that maybe my twin flame was a reflection of this, preferring and being female more then male, ect, a mirror refersal of me. Though now I know she's not a my twin and it was all a lie along with all the other lies. Just for her jollies i bet.
-----------------------------
I imagined Maribelle sent me a message that she has a large family. and she had spent the morning up to that point and was still with friends and family. more lies likely, all laughing over how they had me fooled and she's not really mates with me. more trickery and fun for those immortal <censored, censored> who like to toy around with us who are imprisoned here for their fun and amusement.
-------------------------
Duke regards me as equal despit he is one of my soul parents. also all a lie. I'm likely 100% human earth soul, since I am imprisoned and trapped here after all.
Dan and Stan do too. I have a similar position in pod. Duke not his real name. What he does perhaps. I have former soul's position in the pod.
Also a bunch of more lies by those <censored, censored>
----------------
I had an experience at the rpg group <likely more of her trickery> it felt like my horn <yea as if I had one, which i really don't. The 2 of them, duke and Maribelle, really had me fooled, believing their lies>
as I recall I felt some sort of pleasure, other positive feelings. Sorta like she was with me touching horns. felt as if mine had some sort of energy or something, hard to describe the feeling Maribelle said her mother had told her only true mates could do this. <yea, true mates, more lies.>
I also briefly thought if I was a mare or female and did have sex with her or one of my close friends, twin as male, I'd likely accidentally get pregnant or something, and I imaged I faintly mentally hear someone (didn't recognize the mental voice) don't worry.
<it is hard to read some of my notes here>
----------------
Imagined that Maribelle commented that it looked like I was having fun and she was glad and what I was doing looked like it was fun.
<old notes over>
-------------------------
I bet Matt is one of the jailers having fun with is who are trapped here. I always thought his smiles looked like a smug type of smile and the expression on his face too. Like he was pretending at something and knew the real truth that he was no way going to tell us.
---------------------------------
Yea right, teasing me saying all I need to do as a first step is to be able to go 10 minutes without thinking knowing I never can do that. I've been trying to lengthen the time between my thoughts for 32 years. I got the idea as a teen and the most I can ever do is a few seconds, never any more. I HATE being teased. and the lies that I'll know in time, it'll take time, relax don't try so hard. Yea, <censored> lies. <censored>
<censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored>
---------------------------
Likely dan and stan have not contacted me at all since they got bored with me like Duke likely did too. Not like Dan said that he has to be on his best behavior when he is talking with or with me. More lies i bet. With the feeling I had was due to something she (the dragoness) said to the 2 of them when I complained to her about their bugging me that I can project, I just need to project when I can't and their continued bugging me about it and her saying she'd look into it and speak with them. That was I'm not sure how many weeks ago. I'd have to go through my online notes. and who knows how far back that would be, it's all lies anyway so who the <censored> cares. and she is one of the jailers just having fun with me too. all those <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored>
----------------------------------------------------------
Not sure if I put in what Mr H said. ( call him that since I can't begin to pronounce his name, let aloe spell it.)
he said first my mate told him she'll not tell me her true name and he is not to tell me since I am not ready for it. Yea sure. I guessed Maribelle isn't her true name, but that reason is pretty <censored> rude. To put it as nicely as I can.
She won't tell me everything since I'm not ready? Also pretty <censored> rude. Guess i won't be ready till this body dies and the incarnation is over and I find out she's one of the jailers having fun with me for kicks. and will be one of the ones to try to force me into another incarnation.
and the pod race that I thought of were dolphins and orcas, and they mentioned to me they were, are not really. she claims the lie that it's the easiest for my mind to accept. more lies on top of lies. I could accept whatever the <censored> their <censored> <censored> <censored> forms really look like.
and his mate saying to not to worry. I'm not <censored> worried not by a <censored> <censored> long shot. I need to relax and not try so hard. It'll come in time. Yea sure. I'm almost 50. when it'll come 5 or 20 incarnations from now/ <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> no <censored> way. once this one is over i'll try my best, fight whoever i have to fight and kill whoever I have to kill to be free of this incarnating <censored> . I'm tired to death of incarnating. it may have interested me at one point. but that point is long sense past by a <censored> of a long shot. and the very nasty tease that the first step I need to do is to go 10 minutes without thinking. yea sure. someone who's been trying to widen the space between his thoughts for <censored> <censored> 32 ear and it is exactly the same few seconds now as it was then. that is no <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> help, that <censored> <censored> <censored> tease, and being mean on top of it. what a <censored> <censored> <censored> . he is not trying to help at all. saying i'm angry by all this is putting it very very mildly.
--------------------------------------------
I'm still <censored> about this whole <censored> situation. that fake mate Maribelle saying i'm not ready to know her true name. Yea right, though she is as much of a <censored> as the rest, dan, stan, mr h, former and current soul, 1 or both higher selves, the dragoness likely too. fake green sister, fake twin flame, every non coporal I've been in contact with are all <censored> <censored> <censored> and mr H also. the only non coporal that seemed half way nice and I've not tried to talk to him since he s not talking to me is that one reptilian guy and I bet he was just pretending to be not in the know. all the lieing , teasing that they have all done. those <censored> <censored> <censored> .
the fake mate maribelle saying i'm not ready for her true name. that is a lie and makes no sense. She won't tell me everything since I'm not ready? She really didn't say a <censored> <censored> <censored> thing. a few scraps at most. The most information she said was what I called the pod, and I use that term since that is the term stan used. he said the term pod. when it was a lie and they are not really dolphins, orcas, nor cetaceans, and that lie about my mind can't see them in their true form, big <censored> lie, with as much furry, fantasy and other pictures I've seen, movies tv, some anime (including adult anime) horror movies, I can handle whatever the <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> they look like. Why the lie and they did say they were dolphins and orcas, that has been mentioned to me by some of those <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> and that I was part dolphin and orca. Those <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> . I bet I'm not even part unicorn nor dragon. and everything else is a <censored> <censored> <censored> lie. those <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> .
and mr H being such a <censored> <censored> <censored> about the first step is being able to not think for 10 minutes. yea right. I've been trying to widen the space between my <censored> <censored> thoughts for 32 <censored> <censored> years and have not <censored> <censored> gotten any <censored> <censored> wider then a few seconds, same as when I was <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> 15. I really am pissed at his <censored> <censored> <censored> teasing and bullying. that <censored> <censored> <censored> .
and that bit his mate said about I need to relax and not try to hard, it'll come in time. yea sure. i'm almost 50. not try so hard, how the <censored> <censored> <censored> is that supposed to help any. I've not been trying that hard. I can't twiddle my <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> and expect to become awakened by magic. that doesn't' work in this <censored> <censored> <censored> universe. what does she and he expect me to just wack off and get enlightened. that sure as <censored> doesn't work. I hate all this <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> bullying, teasing, lieing.
I'm beyond being angry at them all. I don't know why I was imprisoned here, or any of us. Likely for their fun and jollies, those <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> and some of them are among those <censored> <censored> <censored> . but they get to come in here have a <censored> <censored> <censored> good time, like MR H, matt kahn, and some others and they get to leave any <censored> <censored> <censored> time they want while the rest of us are Imprinted here. Those <censored> <censored> <censored> and their teasing, lieing. There is no path to enlightenment unless you're one of them. I'm being being <censored> <censored> <censored> at them all. this is highly <censored> <censored> up. Why should those <censored> <censored> <censored> get to use everyone imprisoned here at their whims, their jollies and have fun with us here. when we are not allowed out of this prison. Those <censored> <censored> <censored> . It is totally unfair. and what gives them the right to do what they do , those <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> . those lies we came here of our own free will. I sure as <censored> <censored> <censored> did no. I had no desire to be here at all. It was tolerable when I could project out to wherever it is where folks are balls of light, likely that place is not real and it was just a fake dream. but when I believed it twas real I didn't not mind being here. I had some fun being here. but they removed the chips knowing I'd gradually loose my ability to project within a month or 2. saying I no longer needed the chips that had been put in to let me project and help with being able to communicate, a bunch of lies. the took them out so i would loose the ability to project. and those other 2 things they put into me, that is what keeps this energy body trapped inside this human body. I lost the ability to project a short time after they were put in. and they had me believing their lies that 1 was to help them monitor the progress of my light body and the other was designed to release light inside me at timed intervals and if they were not removed they would be absorbed after they served their purpose. yea sure, they had me believing their lies those <censored> <censored> <censored> .
This whole situation really has me <censored> angry and upset. all of them, mr H, maribelle, dan, stan, green fake, twin fake, former and current souls, however many higher selves I have, duke, the dragoness.
I'm nto sure about the so called aspects. they ddi seem pretty mean, causing m to have ethat nightmare. I don't' recall having any since then. I have no remembered any dreams but I think 1 or 2 since then so until I find out otherwise I'll believe the trickster guy of his promise of no more nightmares. if he really is me, the he would not lie to me. since I hate lieing and would not lie to another part of me. so those 2 are the only ones that i can say have not really lied, since I meet them. the trickster said no more nightmares and I'll take him at his word, if that was him who I talked to that time and not a fantasy thing. no insult to him, but he should understand my being a bit unsure of it, given all this <censored> that has happened today. so hopefully he and chad will understand how I feel and will not hold it against me. hopeful they'll help me in this since we, and other aspects I have no idea bout, did agree to work together as a team. I guess this means it's us against all those external liers, Mr h, Maribelle, former and current soul, dan, stan, duke, green fake, twin fake, higher fake selves, future fake self, anyone else i may have forgotten. I'll be neutral concerning Trev, and it was Trev and not Treb, Treb is supposedly that guy channeled by Rob, but in light of this I have severe doubts about him. thought trev was likely just as much of a lieing fake as the others and was a very good actor. and that light blue skinned technician type. all lieers and being mean/teasing as well. <censored> <censored> <censored>
---------------------------------
=========================================================
======================================================
No comments:
Post a Comment